How do you get past miscarriages?

[sandybeach]

I had a miscarriage at 17 weeks a few months ago. I thought I had gotten over it but now as hubby and I start talking about trying again, I just have such mixed feelings....

It was my second miscarriage - my first was at 8 weeks. Never saw a heartbeat. Was tough to get over it and we took almost a year after that before a BFP, which made the whole process extremely frustrating. Subsequently had a healthy baby and then got pregnant again when baby was about a year old (first month of trying!). We were so excited and everything went well until a regular visit to the doctor's that showed the baby's heart had stopped. It was so surreal... we went for a medical induction 2 days later. The autopsy, blood tests etc couldn't uncover anything so it was just "one of those".... I (thought I) got over it relatively quickly - I already have a healthy baby and it wasn't my first miscarriage. Went back to work within 2 weeks and life went on as usual.

But as time passes, I'm feeling it isn't the same. Losing a baby the first time was just frustration, but this time, I feel fear and anxiety over how fragile life is. I see many peers who had children about the time I had my first (success) giving birth to their second now and I can't help but wonder why mine was taken away. I want to share their joy but feel a pang of sadness every time I read such news. I want another child and I'm in my thirties so I know my bio-clock is ticking but I just can't find the strength to try again. What if it takes another year before a BFP, what if I lose it again, what if the baby is born unhealthy...? Suddenly I'm paranoid and scared about everything.

Anyone has any advice? Breathe....

 

[carang]

you need time to grieve. after 17 weeks, you had almost made it to the 1/2 way mark. that must be absolutely awful. i really can't imagine.

you need time....everyone has the worries that you are having, so you are not alone. the difference is that now, you likely won't believe it and cherish it until you hold that baby in your arms. you will always be worried that the same thing will/could happen again.

i'm sorry, there's no magic to it. no pill you can take to be rid of the worries.

 

[nicolejoy]

It's hard... I have my own "pregnancy demons" and to be honest am terrified of being pregnant again. (I had one early miscarriage at about 5 weeks, followed by a traumatic pregnancy in which I didn't know if the baby would survive. She did and is now a healthy 2 year old with a form of dwarfism)

I think to start with, it's important to acknowledge your grief and allow yourself to grieve. We can't "unlive" these traumas and we are forever scarred by these kinds of experiences. The 2nd thing (which is sometimes even harder) is to recognise that good can still come, that you can still have another healthy baby... allow yourself to hope again.

I don't have any magic answer and if I did, I'd be using it on myself I do know that often people who have had miscarriages/stillbirths/suffered from infant loss find a lot of healing in having another baby. It means having to face those demons - but the vast majority of people who have suffered loss CAN have healthy babies, it just means being brave enough to go there again.

All the best!!

 

[sandybeach]

Thank you ladies for the support. I was having "one of those moments" late last night and just didn't know where to turn... I know I should really be thankful in many ways and so have the strength to move on! I think you are right - I just need to allow myself to grieve and acknowledge that feeling emotional from time to time may just be part of it....

 

[thanka2]

oh, sandybeach, I am really sorry to hear you're going through this.

I really agree with what others have posted regarding grief. Grief is a very real and necessary part of healing and moving on with life after a miscarriage. And grief is really strange. It doesn't follow any set pattern and will be so different for everyone.

After I had a miscarriage I didn't really have the option to take time off of work and went back immediately. It seemed that I was okay but grief cropped up in the form of how I felt about myself which led to a lot of problems in my life and especially between my husband and I. The pain I experienced gave me a sense of worthlessness I had never really had before. And it went on for awhile because I didn't recognize that this was actually a form of grief. I did get pregnant again soon after and it really was a healing experience for me but all the same I still experienced fear and anxiety over the "what ifs" in that pregnancy too...but facing them was what made it a healing experience.

So, my daughter was born the following year. And then another year passed and around the anniversary of my miscarriage this year the grief hit me hard. Both my husband and I were just totally overcome by such a sense of sadness...this is two years after-the-fact and also after giving birth to a healthy baby girl who had just turned 1-years-old. We felt the raw pain all over again. It was truly strange to us because we'd had a very happy two years.

I find that one of the things for me that has been healing is writing to the child I lost on my blog--I usually write her a letter once a year. I'm sure it's not helpful for everyone but for me, it really is.

Again, I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. Give yourself time and grace and definitely if you need to, seek out others to talk through these things. You experienced the loss of a close family member, twice--this is a very real life trauma. All the best as you go through this grief.