How do other mums cope with this stuff?

M

mumto2

Registered User
Hi, I am genuinely interested to hear how other mums cope when they hear other mums wanting to do things with their babies/toddlers/kids that goes against what you do?

I know the easy answer is that of course each mum really believes that she is doing what is best for their child (or for themselves). But what do you do when you hear something or read something that just has you shaking your head in bewilderment? Ignore it? Try to find the most non-confrontational way to share another idea?

I love the world we live in now, with access to answers, suggestions, etc. over the internet. We have so many resources to try and find the best possible answers for our children. Its brilliant but sometimes it can highlight the many many different ways and excuses (lol!) for how we raise our kids.

This topic is NOT for bashing other parents, but I'm interested in what you think at the same time...
 
I don't really understand your question?

Are you asking: "What do you do when other people (strangers/friends?) try to do things with your baby that you don't do yourself?"

or

"What do you do when other people (strangers/friends?) do things with their babies that you don't do?"

Could you give an example or something?
 
i think that she meant the latter.

personally, i know i'm very opinionated. i think that it depends on who you are talking to as to how you respond.

sometimes, i just say, "oh, i never bothered about that." "oh, i never experienced that."

often people ask me for advice. i just tell them what i did, but also say that everyone does things differently and the biggest thing to remember is that everyone is doing their best and what they think is the best for their child.

ex. personally, i think it's crazy to spend so much money on buying organic stuff for babies. however, i know that not everyone has the same financial constraints as i have, not everyone has the same experiences or beliefs. so long as it's not hurting their child, it's really none of my business.
 
I agree with Carang, if whatever it is is not harming the child then it really is none of my business anyway. Also I think information overload is just as bad as information underload in the internet age.
 
I think that every parent does what they think is best for their baby and sensitive to the point where they view any advice to be criticism/ interference. Most of the times I consciously try not to view my opinions but there have been occasions where I have asked my friends the reason behind what they are doing. It is a subtle hint for them to rethink and evaluate their action.
 
quote I know the easy answer is that of course each mum really believes that she is doing what is best for their child (or for themselves).

I think you have to believe that this is true. It does not bother me in the least when people do things differently than me, even if I totally disagree, it is not my business how someone else raises their child (assuming not abuse obviously).

For example I am in a moms group and I BF until my baby was 2, not that anyone said anything, but I am sure they all thought I was nuts, but I didn't really care. I look at my BF a toddler as making it more normal for others. If more people BF toddlers then other people wouldn't think of it as "too long". 2 of the women in that group had serious issues with milk supply and ended up pumping and feeding for months and they had really wanted to BF, and had a lot of guilt around that, so I never really discussed my views on BF ever, because all that wouild do is make someone who had such a struggle and guilt over it defensive and feel bad.

Most of them had living rooms were filled with container after container after container (bumbo chair, swing, playpen, exersaucer, jumeroo, it was endless!!) but I;m not really into containerizing my baby'e and used only the swing, perferring to put my baby on the floor. I never once expressed my view on their containerizing their own baby. Another mom cloth diapered only, she was the only one, it was not an issue for her or the rest of us. Some of use used "cry it out", some didn't, it didn't matter.

I think it is fine to share your view when asked, but if someone is saying what they like and you say that's not good and here is why, it turns people right off.
 
and safety??

It is an interesting topic. The answer seems natural - mind your own business. But here is one difficult example:

We went on vacation with our good friends and our children. Their girl is nearly 2 years old, ours 1.5. I am quite strict with safety rules and make sure that my daughter is surpervised. They are always claim that they are "very relaxed parents". We had a non-fenced pool in the garden. Twice during the holiday I found their 2 years old ALONE playing with water in the pool with NOONE in sight. Her mother was cooking in the kitchen. I was nearly physically sick - if she would have lost balance (pulling buckets of water from the pool) and went down with no sound? I happened to be there by pure chance.

I only mentioned this vaguely, in words "arent you afraid if", but response was again "very relaxed". So I left it, feeling uneasy about potential accident. I did not want to hurt their feelings and did not comment or had a discussion. Mind your business. But I still feel weird about it. What would you do?
 
Hi Elizavita, in that situation then I am afraid that the only answer is to speak your mind. The parent was not being a relaxed parent, she was being irresponsible. I am sure this put alot of worry/stress on you about the childs safety. Imagine the guilt if the child had drowned. I bet you were concerned about leaving your own child in her care!
 
hi, mel_g20

Second what you said. We trust our children but not in that way or that much. Most of young children are fearless and anything could happen because of that. They have no idea what can be danger to them. So if we have to apply mind-my-own-business rule, I simply would draw some distance from them, just to avoid any possible lawsuit.
 
sorry, if it comes to safety, i WOULD NOT hold my tongue.

no climbing on tables, playing near water (without supervision), playing with electrical outlets.

if you DIDN'T say something, you would be negligent. (it seems to me that is what your friends are).

some parents are so worried about being their child's friend, they forget to be parents!

you child will have many friends in their life, however, they will only ever have two parents, so act like parents, your kid's will thank you for it!
 
Well that's the whole point - I did say that child was playing alone at the pool without supervision and they just ignored that. I did not call the police - no.

I could add to the story actually. Some time ago they found their child standing OUTSIDE the window in her (of course!) non childproofed room. Do you think it improved their view on security or childproofing? No. After a short panic, the window is still wide open last time I visited.

Back to the topic: even if you say something you cannot always change people's view on parenting even in such drastic episodes. So I would rather agree with previous post - distance from people that do not share your parenting point of view on some important topics, whatever is important to you, for me that's security.
 
i dont think u have to stop being friends with someone because they are not good parents according to u. You did your job telling them their daughter was all alone and if they didnt take your advise and something was to happen to their daughter ( hope not) but that would not be your problem. Yes true i wouldnot leave them to babysit my child , but i would not distance my self from a friend because I dont like the way she takes care or in this kid lack of care of her kid
 
I am not sure that I could continue to be too close in this situation. If the house was unsafe I would not really want to visit. And sometimes there are times where you need a friends help to watch your kids just for afew minutes. You wouldnt trust then to do that. It would be difficult to not make it obvious that you didnt trust them, which would just make things uncomfortable.
 
Thanks to everyone for their opinions - some very valuable insights in all comments made...

So as for me? I guess I'm the paralysed headshaker smiling silently until I get home, rant about it to my husband, get told off by him and told to not worry about how others raise their children and then am glad I did since it is actually nice to get different points of view on raising children and respecting mums' and the hard job we all do...lol...
 
MayC said:
I think it really depends.

If a child's safety is at risk, I would say something. For example, if her child is playing with sharp objects, if he/she is near a non-childproof window or if he/she is near a pool unsupervised.

However, I would NOT like it if someone was on my back for everything I do. For example, my inlaws (mother in law + sister in law). I took a lot of crap from them.... criticising me for not sending my child to a "free" school here, for not putting layers and layers of clothing on her when it's so hot, for breastfeeding my daughter, for my daughter's lack of interest in reciting chinese poems and for her inability to recognise her alphabets and numbers at the age of 2. In fact, my SIL who is a real hypocrite criticised me for sending my daughter to a private local school at a monthly fee of 2.4k a year ago, yet now she's sending her 3 year old son to New Zealand for 2 years on his own (with only his grandma) because her friend who is a doctor said that the English standard in the local school here is poor. In addition, after criticising me for breastfeeding my little girl, she went and did it herself. Now I'm being criticised because her son, at the age of 2, could recognise his abcs, 123s and could recite more than 10 Chinese poems and I haven't done the same with mine.

I mean and I truly mean this... everyone should mind their own business. We all have different ways of bringing up our children and we all have different values. Not two mothers are alike... and what makes a mother think that her ways are better than other mothers? I mean, even if you're good at one thing, it does not mean you're good at another.

Mothers should respect each other. After all, no mothers would purposely try to hurt or disadvantage their own children.

I believe that another mother's intervention should purely be at a "safety" level. If you see danger, then by all means don't just stand there. But when it comes to parenting, we all have our own right to do what we feel is good for our OWN children.

So sorry to sound so bitter.. I've just had some really aweful experience of this from my Chinese inlaws...
Click to expand...

Hi. Thanks for sharing your views. When I read what you wrote this is the thing that popped into my mind, "Wouldn't it be an interesting experiment to instead of just 'minding our own business' when it comes to parenting, actually start to appreciate the differences in our parenting style?" I mean, this is a challenge to me too--because I am very opinionated (as readers on this forum can attest :0) and many times I assume that because people don't do/see things the way I do, then they are wrong--even if I don't consciously do this, on a subconscious level I do.

So, for example, in the case of your SIL, wouldn't it be amazing if she, instead of criticizing you initially for breastfeeding (probably because it was a foreign concept to her and she didn't get it) she just kinda took note and was like, "Hmmm...why do you do that?" I mean, that is a huge step for many people--especially in a culture where criticism is almost a moral virtue (i.e. parents telling there kids when they bring home a B from school, 'Why can't you be like little Billy and get an A?")

I think there is a lot we mothers could learn from one another if we would just let down our guard a little bit and be a little more humble.

Of course, in the case of safety, I totally agree with you too that if a child is climbing out the window of their house then that's an issue.

From a personal point of view, I am beginning to realize that although I have often internally condemned myself as a "bad mother" because I don't swoon every time I see my own child (as a friend I have nearly does), actually this is just a reflection of my personality. I am a hands-on sort of mother. I am laid back and kinda just steadily take my child's growth etc. in stride--not everything he does needs to be broadcast to the whole world. I'm more reflective. Doesn't mean I'm better or worse than the moms who are helicoptering around their kids. :0)

Anyway, sorry for the psychological discourse here but I would be interested to hear other women's point of view on what I shared.
 
MLBW, I agree with you!!

Being a mom is so tough already, it would be nice if moms could all accept that each will do it their own way and that, that is OK.

It's only natural for parents to seek other people who have similar views and parenting styles as assurance that what they are doing is ok. But I also think that being around moms who do it a completely different way allows us the opportunity to grow as parents. I have friends who parent differently, one sleeps with both her kids, another never lets her kid be unhappy, one is very easy going and will leave her baby with babysitters all the time, there is one who works and has family day 1 day a week, another who lets their kids eat anything - including candies and junk food, and one that allows TV watching. From these friends I have learned to be a more easy going parent, that following a routine doesn't mean that I can't 'just let it all go' some days, that 'bad' snacks and sugar on occasion are not going to kill my son as long as I monitor how much he has and make sure to brush his teeth really well. That each family will have it's own way of discipline and teaching, and different approaches to problems and views on life and education. They have helped me realize my own weaknesses and insecurities as well as praise my strengths and be more confident about my own parenting style. I am a much more open and accepting person because of these friends who choose to do it their own way.
 
I agree- we all parent differently and there is no right or wrong way. Different children require different parenting skills.

But are there some things that are just not acceptable? What, for example, if a friend hits their child as a form of discipline?? I am anti-smacking...and I am uncomfortable with my children witnessing others being disciplined by smacking etc.
How do I approach that?? It's difficult because I am so anti-smacking part of me says 'how can I sit by and just watch, and ignore it,'; but another part of me says, ' these are my children's friends, how can I deny them someone who is their best friend?'

How do people deal with a situation like that??
 
its a hard one bekyboo...we too choose to not smack and use time-outs and the naughty step...to be honest none of our friends do use smacking (or if they do I don't know about it) so I'm not sure how to advise on how to handle it. I would make sure she was aware that you do not smack so that she doesn't whack your kid if you weren't there ;-) lol you are bound to have a distasteful look on your face I'm betting if you saw her doing so I'm sure she would know how you feel about it. But I don't think taking the kids away from each other is a good idea.

mlbw - so so funny...I (unfortunately) do the same thing. If someone isn't doing it the same way as me, I assume they haven't done enough research on the best way to do it. lol...ain't that arrogant! BUT I have learned SO much by watching how other mums do things and have friends back home with kids the same age and we share everything we do and I learn off them too. I also have had other mums say that I do "something" well and they're going to try which is always nice too. Why oh why is so tough sometimes...lol
 
i will admit to the occasional smack. it is used more as a way to show my older one what it feels like when he tries it on my younger one. now, the threat of a smack is enough for him to stop his misbehaviour immediately. we normally use a threat of going to his room and sitting on his bed for 5 minutes or removal of privileges/toys. this works WAY better than a smack ever would.

however, i would NEVER smack another person's child, EVER! if someone else smacked mine, i would have some VERY strong words.
 
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