Helper viewing porn at night...

i do agree with you, it is your house and you make the rules for your house... personally, i would draw the line at illegal goings on... if she was smoking a joint in her room, i would most certainly object (would also be grounds for dismissal, in my books).... but porn... while we don't view it, it really isn't my business if that is what my 39 year old helper does, so long as it's on her own time, on her own computer. it doesn't necessarily make her a bad person. it makes her a woman, living with another family, who may need to find release in her own way.... besides, how would i EVER know unless i go looking and snooping in her room, on her computer? isn't that a little immoral in and of itself?

however, if she decided to watch it while sitting in the living room or on my computer, i would most certainly have things to say about it.
 
carang said:
i do agree with you, it is your house and you make the rules for your house... personally, i would draw the line at illegal goings on... if she was smoking a joint in her room, i would most certainly object (would also be grounds for dismissal, in my books).... but porn... while we don't view it, it really isn't my business if that is what my 39 year old helper does, so long as it's on her own time, on her own computer. it doesn't necessarily make her a bad person. it makes her a woman, living with another family, who may need to find release in her own way.... besides, how would i EVER know unless i go looking and snooping in her room, on her computer? isn't that a little immoral in and of itself?

however, if she decided to watch it while sitting in the living room or on my computer, i would most certainly have things to say about it.
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Different requirements for different households. I absolutely don't want that stuff in my house. Full stop. There's also certain other media (books, magazines, videos) that I don't want in my house. Some of those are fine by other people--there's stuff that other people are fine with letting their children watch that I'm not okay with as well--just my personal preferences. But in the case of the helper if I came across pornography or other genres of media I don't want in my house I would make that clear. I would just make it clear in the beginning and then trust my helper--she would know that I would find it personally disrespectful and offensive if she brings those things into my house by whatever means (even the internet).

I liken it to a kosher or halal household that find pork offensive and stipulates that their helper not bring it into the house. To do so, even secretly, shows disrespect for the family--whether you personally like pork or not. Especially offensive would be if the helper brings it in, uses the family cookware to prepare it knowing their stance. I think it's the same thing if one's helper is purposely using porn on the family's computer and internet connection--neither of which belong to her. I don't feel for me it's important to be "politically correct" about the matter. And on another bunny trail...porn is not the only outlet for pent up sexual tension. My helper would just have to get more creative in that case to get her needs met if that was the case.
 
Thanks again. To be clear, we didn't snoop on her private life, she approached us with the computer not operating properly, slow, trouble loading sites. We stumbled across the site history. She isn't invited to spend any time in public areas of the house, so using the Internet in our lounge room for example is totally out of the question. It's really a trust issue. I gave her the computer to use after her work is finished to contact her children, not to get herself off on pornography. Totally agree with a previous poster that those sorts of needs needn't be meet through these means. Arghh... It's impossible to get a right answer I fear!
Posted via Mobile Device
 
KCKMelb said:
Thanks again. To be clear, we didn't snoop on her private life, she approached us with the computer not operating properly, slow, trouble loading sites. We stumbled across the site history. She isn't invited to spend any time in public areas of the house, so using the Internet in our lounge room for example is totally out of the question. It's really a trust issue. I gave her the computer to use after her work is finished to contact her children, not to get herself off on pornography. Totally agree with a previous poster that those sorts of needs needn't be meet through these means. Arghh... It's impossible to get a right answer I fear!
Posted via Mobile Device
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Have you installed some software to filter sites? There is also free software out there that you can set up that will e mail you any time a questionable site is visited. But, then it makes you the mother of your helper. Have you spoken to her about it? Maybe set up the free software and make sure your virus protection and anti-spamware software is working well and then just warn her that in the future if you find that porn sites are being visited (via the free software you set up that e mails you anytime it is visited) that she'll have to turn over use of the computer and won't be able to use it. In that way, you've really given her the benefit of the doubt regarding pop-up ads or viruses etc.
 
Regardless how you feel about porn, in this case, since she brought the computer to you with a problem, you are totally within bounds to tell her that she should stop surfing porn on the computer since that's what causing its sluggish performance. In fact, if you're anti-porn, it's the perfect excuse. You don't even have to get moralistic about it - you can just matter-of-factly say that this is what has messed up the computer so don't go to these sites. I think she should get the point, and stay clear of the porn for practical if not moral reasons.
 
agree with penguinsix and carang. possible virus or attachments that just logged themselves in your computer.

why don't you install a parental control thing? it's your computer and just tell her you installed some stuff. don't they have these filter things like thanka2 said? that way she can still do what she wants and you won't have to worry about viruses and whatnot.
 
You're right. It is awkward, since live-in helpers are a combination of employee, roommate and quasi-family member. If my trainee watches porn at work, she gets fired. If she watches porn at night in her own room, it's none of my business. But it's neither here nor there with a helper who lives with you and your children.

Some important questions
* Is she actually contacting other people? Chatting with strangers is dangerous. Just viewing online stories or photos passively is not so dangerous
* Is she doing anything that requires money or credit cards? She's not ringing up huge bills without knowing it, is she?
* Do you ever intend to use that computer again?

If she's just looking at photos, and that's a throw-away computer anyway, then it's her own business.
The fact that she's a 40-year-old mom and Christian has nothing to do with it. 40-year-olds have desires. Mothers have desires. And people of all religions have desires. And life as a helper is lonley.

BUT -- if she is chatting with strangers, racking up charges, or destroying property you need back -- that's really bad.
 
Also, of course, if you are very anti-porn, or if this makes you feel very uncomfortable, you have every right to tell her to stop.
 
I tend to agree with Gracey, if its just erotic stories then I've no comment (but by the sounds of dirtypriest.com.....doesn't sound too benign nor christian) but photos/videos/chats, I'm not comfortable with having in my home. And at the end of the day, it is your home.
I wouldn't feel embarrassed about it, I would just tell her what your position on the topic is.
 
Parental control? Filters?
sheesh, we are talking about a 40 year old adult here (not an 11 year old); leave her alone...

There is such a thing as privacy and personal space. What an adult does in the privacy of their own bedroom, behind closed doors should be left alone (as long as she is not putting others at risk). Some choose to pray and some choose to play. Some want to do both and some want to do neither. Its no-one's business but her own...
 
i've been watching true blood the past couple of days... it's fairly explicit... wondering if that would be considered porn/soft porn/erotica/just a tv show?
 
1) Many if not all Helpers will say they attend church on Sundays. This is not true and not to be too cynical but many are trained to lie or "put their best foot forward". They are not as innocent as they seem. Even with day to day requests they will usually come up with some "reasonable" excuse rather than give the full truth. This is not to say they are bad people. It's just the an observation after dealing with many helper situations on my own and through my extended family.

2) your helper probably is relatively new to using the Internet and porn can be tempting for anyone. I agree with some posters that it could eventually become a problem or even an addiction. Personally I think you should address it directly and tell her the real reason why the computer is running so slowly. If you decide it is her own business what she does after hours you should definitely keep an close eye on how well she is doing her job and that she is not slacking off to go play on the computer.

3) managing employees has a parallel to bringing up children. You have to respect their individuality but they need to be reign in once in a while and be reminded of what is reasonable behavior.
 
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