Helper now what to do :-(

just do what you are legally bound to and she will do so too - she has a contract, if she wants to leave she must give you notice. everyone has their own plans to better their own life - whats the problem with that? are helpers any different? my helper's husband is also working in HK - they see each other once a week...and yes, sometimes she gets distracted - she's on the phone with him discussing issues (don't know what cause they speak in tagalog). i give her the "look" and she hangs up - no phone calls when looking after my 3 kids period. she's not about to quit on me - she has kids in college. if she were to quit, i'd just deal with it - that's life. don't predict the unknown and don't always think the negative of others - give them the benefit of the doubt...if they leave, so be it, you will cope - deal with it. everyone wants something better for themselves and their family. who wouldn't?
 
rs2000 said:
all, thanks for your inputs....

firstly, she has not asked for the 24 hours off and its not deal-breaker honestly. What I was more worried about is that she having her own plans even before we sponsored her to come over. I still have a feeling she is not going to last long with us (just my gut feeling).

I am NOT going to stop her or spoil her plans or personal life. Just that it puts me into the situation of having to meet helpers again and then chosing someone and then hoping the next is atleast as workable as the current one.

anyways, i hope things work out for both of us.........
Click to expand...

rs2000, have you ever worked outside the home? Have you ever tried to establish a career? Have you ever tried to get a better job for better pay? If your experience in life has been a stay-at-home mom and wife (and I'm certainly not discrediting you for doing that because it is a difficult job and important) then you may not be able to understand or empathize with your employee not giving you "full disclosure."

I want to tell you a "secret." When I got hired at the job I currently have, I was 6 weeks pregnant. I knew I was pregnant when they hired me. Did I tell my employer I was pregnant? No! Why? Because, I KNEW that would have painted me in an unfavorable light to my potential employer and I really, really, really wanted the job I have now because it was important for me to have a good and higher-paying (than I used to have) job because I am earning all of the income for my family (my husband and two children as well as the partial care of two parents). A lot was "on the line" for me. After I was hired and had been working for a few months my employer was very pleased with my performance and it came the point where I had to tell her "Hey, I'm pregnant and I'm going to need to go on maternity leave next Spring." I had other reasons for not telling her about my situation which were personal to me--one of those reasons was I had lost a baby only a couple of months' earlier and wasn't comfortable even publicly talking about my pregnancy with anyone until I felt that miscarriage was a lesser risk. No, I didn't fully disclose my situation. I had my reasons.

You'll find that most employees don't tell their employers everything. If you had known that she had a husband in Hong Kong you probably wouldn't have hired her, right? You would have rejected her outright because she "might leave you..." So, it makes sense your employee didn't tell you because she wanted that job. That job got her foot in the door. Now, at least she has an opportunity to prove to you that she's a good employee. If you had heard the words, "I have a husband" that would have painted her in a less attractive light from the beginning.

Now, some employers would be understanding in this situation because they, themselves, have experienced what it's like to start from nothing and have to climb up the ladder. Being a domestic helper in Hong Kong is pretty much as low as you can get on the "occupational ladder" in Hong Kong. But, everyone needs to start somewhere. This may be very hard for you to really empathize with if you've never been in a similar situation.

So, drop the issue about "But she didn't tell me..." You're walking around fretting about something that hasn't happened. Instead, why not focus on, "Hey, I have a domestic helper. She needs to be trained properly. I want to do my best to help her develop as an employee. I want to be generous. So, in the future if she decides to leave and go elsewhere for whatever reason we can leave on good terms (and she won't sabotage me) and maybe she'll take some good skills and good memories with her. I can always find another domestic helper and train her just as well because I'm a good employer." Your worries are really counter-productive. And I do hope that things work out best for the two of you. Generosity is always the way to go.
 
"i know about the 24h rule and yes I cant let her do that. I have my own things and cant afford to do this."

You are clearly breaking the law. I'm not sure why you "can't" let her have one full day off. You find a way -- you hire a nanny once a week, you get a night nurse every Saturday, whatever. That's what we do bc both hubby and I sometimes work weekend shifts.

Or if you can't afford it, you do night duty yourself once a week like parents do all over the world. It's no excuse to mistreat people.
 
ok people, before you bash me more for this

I am expecting and its too early right now. and thats why I did not mention it before. I thought it was not relevant

and when I said I cant afford, its because I have a lot of nausea (bad one)
We are paying her well above minimum and she has not asked for a night-out, I may give it to her (hoping I feel better in a few weeks)

But again, this is not the point that I asked. Will givign a day off stop her for looking around or seeking part time emplyment? I dont think so
I am pregnant and worried and I think I need to start looking for my backup options.......
 
Look, I think the only thing you can do to gauge what her plans might be is to be upfront with her and talk to her about it.

If she says she has no plans to find another job you can either:

I) choose to believe her and stay put
II) choose not to believe her, fire her and interview for another helper What reason you give to terminate someone who is otherwise doing a good job is a completely different question, logistically and ethically.

I don't think there is a win win situation. You will always wonder whether an employee will want to find some other job, husband or not. I understand this is an anxious time for you but really, I dont think there is much you can do about it and the more you stress about it, the worse you will feel.

Like I said, be honest with her, tell her your concerns and more often than not, you will find that when you open up and be frank about your feelings and anxieties, this too will be reciprocated.
 
Gemma is right. Instead of driving yourself crazy with worry and posting tons of messages to online strangers, why don't you just ask her? She's a human being after all.
Say "We've got two kids and I'm expecting a third. And I'd like to know if you want to stay with us in the long term. If you have plans to leave, please let me know so I can find a backup plan."
Very likely, she'll say she wants to stay, and all of this worry is a figment of your imagination.

BUT if she wants to find another job, or spend time with her husband, or whatever, that is her right. She's not an indentured servant. She is not bound to you for life just because you're pregnant.

And I still think you're making excuses. When you say you can't "prevent her from looking for other work even if you cut her day off" --- well, it's her right to look for other work if she wants.
 
rs2000 said:
ok people, before you bash me more for this

I am expecting and its too early right now. and thats why I did not mention it before. I thought it was not relevant

and when I said I cant afford, its because I have a lot of nausea (bad one)
We are paying her well above minimum and she has not asked for a night-out, I may give it to her (hoping I feel better in a few weeks)

But again, this is not the point that I asked. Will givign a day off stop her for looking around or seeking part time emplyment? I dont think so
I am pregnant and worried and I think I need to start looking for my backup options.......
Click to expand...

Congratulations on expecting.

But again, bad nausea is not an excuse to BREAK THE LAW. Giving her a day off may not prevent her from ultimately resigning in the future, but it will protect YOU from labour claims. It is also the right, moral and legal thing to do. She doesn't need to ask for the time off, you simply MUST give it to her, which includes YOU making it clear to her that she is free to go and do anything that she pleases during the 24 hour period. I volunteer with a helper's organisation here in HK and one of the most common, and often successful, labour tribunal complaints brought by helpers is that their employers do not give them their legal time off due. It is an easy claim to bring and easy to win, which can cost you a lot of money in compensation, fines and can prevent you from hiring a FDH for a number of years. We aren't trying to be mean or upsetting, quite the opposite, you are exposing yourself to a large liability.

Women around the world deal with nausea and many worse pregnancy complications without even part time help. In the US where I come from there is no such thing as a domestic helper, except for the very, very wealthy (I don't know anyone who has had full time household help in the US). Women, including working women with other children, just get on with it, even when they have difficult pregnancies as they need to. The situation is obviously much worse for women in developing countries, who often still perform difficult labour for long hours throughout their pregnancies, complications or not.

If seems like you are fretting about a lot of "what if my helper does this" type things and you should probably just talk to your helper about her future plans, instead of just guessing and worrying, although she has no legal obligation to share them with you. If you express your concerns regarding her leaving you in a pinch to her then she will be more likely to keep you up to date on her plans.

It also seems like you are making a pretty big deal out of a little thing. Employees all over the place in every profession move around all the time. CEOs of huge companies leave and are replaced and life goes on. Hiring a new FDH takes a month or so, not that big of a deal. A few interviews, a bit of time, and its done. Perhaps you should focus on some of the positives, like you are one of the VERY SMALL percentage of women in the world, including in develped countries, who have full time live-in help at all.
 
You know what? It isn't relevant. Early pregnancy and nausea is awful. But it's not your helper's fault you're feeling poorly or decided to have another child. The law doesn't change because you have morning sickness.

Why have you worked yourself into such a frenzy just because someone has a husband? Many wives work various jobs and do perfectly fine.

Could you imagine if a male boss fired his young secretary just because she got married and would be "distracted?" That's sexism right out of the 1950s. Essentially you're saying you'd do the same thing to another woman.

I can't imagine the extra stress you're putting on yourself is good for your pregnancy either. It seems pretty simple:

If you want her to continue, talk to her straight about wanting her to stay long-term -- and treat her better! Give her an incentive to stay, like personal time with her loved ones.

Or, if you really want to gave someone working 24-hours a day, 7-days a week, with only really a half-day off and no nights off at all -- then hire someone else. Or, if you really can't handle being a mom, get two helpers, or hire a nanny on Sundays.
 
its not that I am going to fire her due to her personal life

i was just worried and tense...may be its due to the hormones...i dont know
trying to get over it and will talk to her too
 
rs2000 said:
its not that I am going to fire her due to her personal life

i was just worried and tense...may be its due to the hormones...i dont know
trying to get over it and will talk to her too
Click to expand...

Hmmmm, it's understandable to be "worried and tense" due to hormones but to not give your helper proper time off can't be blamed on the hormones. That's like saying, "the devil made me do it." (And don't I know that hormones can be the devil).

There is a lady on this very site that I am friends with. She wasn't just nauseous for most of her pregnancy, she was vomiting and couldn't keep most things down. She worked full-time and had at that time a pre-schooler (he's since entered primary) and she handled everything without a helper. C'mon, if you can afford to have another child you're going to have to figure out how to legally and ethically provide care for that child and if you can't do it you're going to have to either A) hire additional outside help or B) enlist the kindness of friends and family. No lady on this forum is going to give you a "pass" card because you happen to be pregnant and nauseous. Most, if not all of us, have been pregnant at some point and many of us have gone through horrendous pregnancies and births. Yes, it is completely irrelevant that you're pregnant and sick.

I'm sorry for you. Many if not most of us have gone through the same thing. No dice.
 
I think you are right to be worried about her leaving you, not because her husband is coming to work in HK but because (just as you yourself have accused her of being less than forthcoming to you) you have advertantly or inadvertantly done the same thing to her. She signed up for a job looking after a family with 2 children, now unbeknownst to her you are planning to increase her work load by adding a third pregnancy/mom who can't do what she normally does --> third child to her workload.

Looking from the outside, your job is not one many helpers would want, and so if she leaves I don't think it's 100% due to her husband coming along (although this may contribute). It's because the job is really, really demanding (my guess) and probably warrants 2 helpers or more, so unless you are paying her the equivalent of 2 helpers......then......the package probably doesn't really add up for her.

On top of that is the implied demand that she doesn't have 24 hours off. Sure she hasn't formally asked you about having a full 24 hours off, BUT she probably doesn't want to confront you and make it nasty between you and her, when you keep giving her instructions to do xyz on sat and sunday nights.

Finally I don't think the posters here are out to attack you or be unkind but your posts do seem to be about me,me,me,me and show very little compassion (and joy) for a fellow woman and wife who may now finally get the chance to live in the same town as her husband (something you and I take for granted). I believe there is karma in this world. As Thanka2 suggest approaching situations with generosity usually pays its own rewards in the end.
 
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