Help - they hate each other!

0ze_Kid

0ze_Kid

Registered User
My DD's hate each other! The just turned two year old is soo mean and knows how to push my just turned 4 year olds buttons. She yells and screams at her big sister and says "that's mine" knowing full well that it will upset her big sister who will then start screaming at her little sister and saying horrible things that she is learning at kindy!

This goes on ALLLL day and I just do not know what to do to teach the older one how to deal with it. I can't keep giving them both time out as they end up spending all day looking at a wall and screaming at me.
 
You're not alone! My 5 year-old son and 4 year-old daughter bicker all day long. No amount of explanations, guidance, or punishment seem to work.

I've recently read a few books about "positive affirmations", and decided that I needed to try a new approach. So instead of saying things like "that's a horrible thing to say", I'll ask my children to repeat after me "I am a nice person. I say nice things." Or if the situation is that they're snatching things from each other, then I'll ask them to say something like "I use my hands to help others and to make beautiful things".

I just started trying this out, so I don't know how it's going to work. But I do feel that by using this approach, I feel calmer myself trying to figure out the appropriate positive affirmation in each case, rather than immediately resorting to negative words and punishment, which often results in escalating emotions on both sides.
 
so sorry, A!

i have no words of advice as my two absolutely LOVE each other. they can play for hours without incident. (they did today, no school and i haven't heard a nasty word or cry from either of them!) as a matter of fact, the most trouble i have is when one wants to hold hands and the other doesn't! oh, the tears!


how does distraction work? are you able to distract them from whatever is setting them off?
 
i can only speak from a primary teacher's perspective - why don't you try reading some picture books that focus around either 1) an older sibling and younger sibling 2) books which have a storyline where one child is not nice to another, but in the end, the two become great friends. Off the top of my head:

1. Julius, the Baby of the World by Kevin Henkes
2. Chester's Way by Kevin Henkes (most of Henkes books focus on a lesson or social issues that young ones can relate to)
3. A Pocket Full of Kisses by Audrey Penn

Using a book helps young ones relate to the situation and can often open up discussions without directly asking them why he/she is acting a certain way. From my experience in the classroom with 6 year olds, sometimes the root of many issues comes from: wanting attention from teacher/mommy/daddy, jealousy, testing boundaries, confusion on their end from the adult on expectations, or lastly they are just modeling behavior they are seeing.

This is just a suggestion. Hope this helps!
 
nope, one of each. the boy is older.
my brother and i used to fight like cats and dogs. even now, we agree that we love each other very much, especially when we live on different continents! LOL!
 
There is a really good book called Siblings without rivalry...lots of examples of kids who seem to hate each other and how and what to say in the situation.

I don't have kids that are old enough to fight yet, but i did grow up fighting very aggressively with my sister. we used to hate each other...

after reading the book, i now understand a lot of the reasons why there was so much animosity between us as children and it's been really helpful and eye opening to see how parents unknowingly making things worse. I'm in now way saying you are doing anything wrong, just that i am now able to see how my mom struggled with the 2 of us fighting and how her reactions didn't make the situation any better. it's an interesting read and could be helpful to your situation.
 
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oh, one thing that i thought was a good suggestion. start the day off with everyone in the family saying 1 thing they like about each person in the family.
 
milk... i do kind of the same thing with my older one (the younger one is too small to understand it still)

"do you love mummy?"
"yes"
"why do you love mummy?/is mummy a good mummy?"
"because she teaches me things."

the answers differ every day. i go through everyone in the family. my son is starting to understand and he's really good at coming up with reasons for loving everyone in the house. and as a mum, it's nice to know what he likes about what we do together.
 
Hahahah way to fish for compliments carang!! i am going to try that one with my 2yr old!

I always try to tell my 2yr old that my 9mth old loves him so much and it always makes him beam. In turn he will tell me he loves his brother and will hug and kiss him...hope it stays that way!!! otherwise i will be back on here posting about it!!!
 
I was going to suggest the same book as milk mommy, siblings without rivalry. I've just read it as my 2 boys fight each other a lot, they are 2 years apart, and after reading the book I can see where I think a lot of the fighting is actually about jealousy. The book talks about how to let your kids express there anger positvley and shows how to say things without promoting jeolously. I didn't really think I did, but after reading the examples in the book, I can see how I may have been making it worse without intending to.

I think part of it is also developmental. My older one is more into role playing and setting up his toys in more elaborate ways, where as the 2 year old of course doesn't understand this and bulldozes his way through things, and can't cooperatively play very well yet.
 
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milk - Is the book by Adele Faber? I know i am not helping the situation, i just can't figure out how to fix it and I am going to hunt down this book today!

c - I love the way your two play so well together! mine need to spend more time watching yours.

Project fiji (moving back) is progressing slowly, flight booked, wait list for school is looking positive (did I tell you she is number 35 on the list? I think this is a good sign!!), DH is working on his CPEng which will help him get a job again! Now we wait for the mail, and a letter of acceptance from school!

My biggest concern is that 'they' are saying that the worst is yet to come in HK with regard to the recession - this makes me nervous in being able to get a job -- sorry, digressed from the topic!
 
I love the Silbings Without Rivalry book. It offers a lot of practical advice. Even though the book is written with older (than 2yo!) children in mind, it gives you alternative ways of dealing with situations and it also makes you see how reacting in certain ways can be counter-productive.

With our two, I do the same as what Milk Monster does --i.e., tell each other how much the other loves them. When one does something thoughtful for the other (hug, share a toy, etc.), I tell them how lucky they are to have a brother/sister like that. Or when one of them does something good or funny, we "include" the other one in our comments about what the other did --e.g. "That was really funny! Your bro/sis sure is funny, isn't s/he?" This way, they both get the attention, not just the star and the other one can "share" our --the adults' --pride (for want of a better word) in commending the other one.

Good luck. :)
 
Yes, by adele faber - its really good!

you're moving to fiji???? My husband and I dream about life in fiji haha you will have to tell us how it really is!! (sorry i too have digressed but couldn't help it after i saw 'fiji')

another topic, how do you deal when other people compare your kids??? like my older son has a smaller head than my younger son and people are always commenting that he has a small head and i am so worried it will hurt his confidence....
 
i always compare my two. they are naturally different. it doesn't make one of them better or worse than the other. just different.

you could say, "yes, he has a small head, but you should see the size of his penis!"

that would probably shut them up! LOL!
 
i'[m l;ying in bed with my laptop on my chest....argh....tried to get outta bed about 10 mnutes ago.... made it to the bathroom and back again.
 
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