Help - need to replace my two DHS - am I expecting too much?

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marshmallow

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I am a mom of a pair of twins (1yr old) and am considering looking for two full-time DHs to replace my current ones.

My current helpers are ok. They can manage taking care of my babies and do the cleaning and cooking etc. However, I am not very satisfied with their cleaning. As we live up hill in a very humid area, my babies' toys and play pens get moulded pretty quickly without proper cleaning. My room is always dusty. I always tell them priority will be my children so I kept quiet about the cleaning of my room although I do ask them every now and then to clean my room as well (maybe once or twice a month). They told me they had been cleaning it every day but the tissue paper I use to wipe the tops just came off with loads of dust. They told me it's because the cloth they are using are losing their fibres (ridiculous I know!) WHen I asked them to wash my babies' play pens, they just say weather is bad and should wait till next week. The fact is they have not been washed since I bought them 9 months ago!!! I just cannot tolerate my babies having to live in moulds anymore and I am sick of all the lies and excuses for not doing the cleaning etc.

Although they do have a busy schedule,I must admit, taking care of two babies and doing the housework, they only start their day around 8:30 am when my babies wake up and their day ends at 10pm when my sons sleep. If they have started their day earlier i think they should be able to do more work. I allow them to take babies for a walk in the afternoon if they finish their work but it seems they have grown into this habit every day without finishing their work. I also allow them to go to church once a week during weeks days (on top of Sat/Sun) because they say their church requires them to attend twice a week. I never set a schedule for them and want to rely on their good discipline and good sense. I thought I have given them an enironment nice to live in the good company (they are cousins).

But the thing that irritated me most is their attitude. Every time I asked them to do something, either there would be dead silence or a not so happy face (then chatting in Phillipino) and they are never willing to take any criticisms but make up excuses (like fibre coming off cleaning cloth and weather being humid so dust stick on surfaces very quicky even if they clean every day).

I do not know if I am just expecting too much but I just do not want to pay to live with some one who gets on my nerves.

If you know any DHs who are willing to take up new employment do let me know. I prefer to rely on self discipline of helpers and do not dictate what they have to do every day. I offer a spacious room with private toilet and wardrobe as resting room but the maids will have to sleep with my babies for the time being as they are still young.

If any one has recommendations or if any one is interested, please let me know. Thanks a bunch.
 
Sounds like you're being taken for a ride.
If you're a hands on stay-at-home-mum, there is no reason why your house should not be spick and span with two helpers! When we had a giant lab and our toddler plus the cat and the tankful of goldfish, our house was virtually dust free and we both worked full time!
My helper always has every Saturday to 'focus clean' - two rooms per Saturday - she does not partake in child minding at all as Saturday and Sundays are strictly family days for us.
I didn't realise that God mandated attendance at church twice a week. Sounds a little suss. We go to church and have never heard of such a thing!
 
a couple of things:
1) you are already asking them to work for 13.5 hrs per day. i do not think it is feasable to expect them to be up earlier to work longer hours.

2) i think that they are taking advantage of you. no one likes to hear they're not doing a good job, but they seem to not be able to improve the job they are doing.


i would start fresh with 2 new helpers BUT i would give them a schedule and make sure that they stick with it.
 
Its hard to know whether we are expecting too much of our helpers. I'm a sahm with two energetic boys (4 and 21 months) and I am 30 weeks pregnant. We live in a 3000 sf house with garden and have 1 domestic helper.
I have recently felt guilty when I leave her with the kids for an afternoon and still expect dinner to be cooked etc.
However she has just had 2.5 weeks holiday and I managed to keep on top of things just fine! I paid to have someone do the ironing and that's it.
I don't think it's that hard to look after two kids and keep the house clean. Especially as you have two of them.
But it is only fair to provide a schedule so they know what is expected of them and hold them accountable to. I can't see any reason why they should need to work more than 10 or 11 hours a day. Even less if they are getting on with their worload properly.
Maybe create a schedule and discuss it with them. If they don't think they can work to it and fit it all in then you'll need to look for replacements.
Good luck.
 
Missed out on the 13.5 hour work day. My helper definitely doesn't work such long hours. Cleaning is done in 3-4 hours each day and the rest of it while we are not at home is strictly babysitting. And our home is pretty much dust free which is difficult with shedding pets!

Our helper gets about 10 hours to herself each day. So she's in bed by 8:00 and doesn't need to stir until about 6:30 or 7.
 
They don't sound great and you shouldn't have to put up with a constant stream of excuses.

But, I do agree with everyone above, 13.5hrs a day is already a heavy schedule.

In particular if they are also sleeping in the same room as your children at night.

If you get new helpers, I would consider changing that arrangement and getting bunks put in.

We have bunks, it is compact but I'm sure my helpers greatly appreciate the privacy at night.
 
In addition to thinking that people here are a bit spoiled with all their help, I have now come to think that helpers can be spoiled too.

The first thing that makes me giggle: In the west when people have twins, THEY take care of them (mother). You have TWO helpers and they still can`t get it together?

I don`t know about the 13.5 hr thing...myself, I`m on shift from 7am to about 10pm. But I`m not sure what the protocol is with helpers.
However, I don`t agree that your helpers need to sleep with your babies. Actually, if anything, that should be your job, especially since you don`t get to spend so much time with them. But at 1 years old, your babies shouldn`t need to have anyone sleep with them. Maybe with the new helpers, they(babies) too can adapt.

Basically your helpers sound like duds and you should replace them. They should be able to keep your house very clean at all times and also take care of the babies. This is basic.
Oh, and I don`t think God will mind if they only go to church once a week. Most Filippinos are Catholic anyway, and I can assure you, Catholics are not expected to attend church more than once per week. They must go to Bible study or some religious social group or something, but I doubt it`s a mass.
 
Shenzhennifer said:
However, I don`t agree that your helpers need to sleep with your babies. Actually, if anything, that should be your job, especially since you don`t get to spend so much time with them. But at 1 years old, your babies shouldn`t need to have anyone sleep with them. Maybe with the new helpers, they(babies) too can adapt.
Click to expand...

I agree with the above quote. Why are your helpers sleeping with your kids if you are a SAHM and they are expected to work a full day on top of minding the children at nights? And if your kids don't really need minding at nights, why is anyone sleeping with them?

I know that for most people, nighttime sleep really does affect mood and attitude during the day, so to start with, this should be looked at.
 
I am a SAHM and my helper starts her day at @ 6/6:30am and ends around 8:30pm. She naps when my son naps for 2/2.5 hours during the day too and I always make sure my son and I do something just the two of us for an hour or two so she can do the cleaning without us interrupting. My son has his own room, but I or my husband always do night duty. Personally, I would never want my son to be with my DH during the night. My DH has a long day, but I am always aware of when I ask her to do more than normal, when she looks tired and I always make sure she has a break somewhere in the middle of the day to refresh herself. If I am out for the day, I would never expect my DH to clean the house as she knows, my son is her #1 priority NOT the cleaning.

I am pregnant now and I have asked her to do more than usual, but she understands that I am tired and just need more help. We have a great relationship with our helper. It's one that is professional, but we also consider her a part of the family. My son and I go home for 2 months this summer to the States and I will be sending her back to her home as well while we are away so she can also have a break and re-energize herself. Yes, helpers can dupe you, abuse you and take advantage of your kindess, but in our case, we've always been respectful, honest and have given her the privacy she expects. In return, she has often gone above her duties as a DH which she knows I appreciate.

My DH gets her SUndays for church and we never bring our DH to birthday parties or other outings like dinners or bbqs. My husband and I can certainly watch our son ourselves.
 
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May I ask people what a typical schedule is for a helper when you have a SAHM and a young child? I think my current helper has been essentially working the same hours as the original poster, although she seems to do it voluntarily as we often encourage her to go to bed earlier and don't ask her to wake up so early to begin her day. We are co-sleeping with our baby and she only cooks dinner (we end up taking care of ourselves for breakfast and lunch), so although she works those hours she does get plenty of rest during the day when chores are done and the baby is napping. But I want to make sure we are in line with the norm, since it's our first helper and we essentially just let her set her own schedule.
 
I don't think there really is a norm for a SAHM, but I would go with what works and feels best for your family. For us, our DH's shedule looks like this:

6:30am: DH starts day, makes breakfast for our son, but I always feed him and sit with him.
6:45 - 8:00am: Cleaning - making beds, cleaning son's room
8:00am - 9:30am: DH is downstairs with the other children/DHs running around and playing
9:30am: Snack
10 - 11am: Mommy time, DH vacuums while we are outside
11am: DH prepare and feeds lunch
12:30pm - 2:30pm: naptime for everyone. If DH is behind in ironing, she does this then
Our afternoons are different - our son might have mandarin class for 2 hours and my DH and I rotate bringing him or a playdate (could be mommy/child or DH/child playdates)
5:30pm: DH prepares dinner, I feed / sit with him
7-8pm: DH takes son downstairs to play
8pm: DH cleans up kitchen and then is off for the night once finished with everything, which is no later than 9pm

Our DH's schedule is typed up and on the fridge as is our son's weekly schedule of classes and scheduled playdates. We've done this since day 1 so there is never any confusion.

Hope this helps!
 
We get up with both our kids at 7am, make breakfast and feed them and us breakfast. helpers start work at 830am.

We leave at 9.30ish. During the day they take the kids to their respective activities, walk the dog (usually with the younger baby in tow), go to playdates, shop and carry out housekeeping duties and cook dinner for us. They are able to rest a bit when both kids are napping mid afternoon.

We both get home around 6pm. Helpers retire at 7pm ish once they've tidied up a bit. We do bed time routine.

A couple of times a week they will help with bedtime routine if one or other of us is out so their working day is longer.
 
I think your expectations for a clean flat are reasonable, especially if you have 2 babies crawling/learning to walk. I have a 13-month old and my helper understands perfectly that the flat has to be clean and free of dangerous items that an active toddler may play with.

I would not put up with the passive disobedience that you described (silence, sulking, speaking in Tagalog) when you criticize your helpers' work. It's poor work ethic. It's not acceptable in an office situation and I don't see how it is different in a domestic situation either. I would insist that the helpers speak up if they disagreed with your wishes but not allow the passive disobedience to continue.

Your approach in treating your helpers as adults and assuming that they will do the right thing is admirable, but it is backfiring on you. Your helpers have taken advantage of you and are ganging up against you. As other mums in this thread have said, you need to set the expectations right from day 1, and remind periodically if the standards slip over time. This is no different from any employment situation. I think that if you don't do this, you will likely face the same problems with the next set of helpers that you hire. No employee is indispensible. If your current helpers think that you are asking for too much, they are free to find other employers who are 'easier'.

Good luck!
 
Wait wait wait a minute. Did I misread that the OP is a SAHM and has TWO helpers to take care of TWO kids? You gotta be kidding me.
If that is the case, I would say the helpers` insolence might stem from their being a bit contemptual at the arrangement...perhaps.

In fact, I`m just curious why any SAHM would need a FT helper. I mean, what are you doing all day?

Sorry, best I bite my cyber tongue, lest I get a cyber slap;)
 
For some reason I have a feeling that the truth is somewhere in the middle.

As for the mold, I would buy some decent dehumidifiers to solve that.
 
The OP didn't say her helpers would go up to the kids in the night time. She said they would retire at 10pm. And judged by the state of the house, they are certainly not doing enough. The hours may seem long but it's the efficiency that matters.
However, it does take a smart manager to get all relationships going. You manage the time, the effort, the expectations, the mood blahblahblah...Then you would also have a reasonable reward system in place to encourage right behaviour.

Good luck with the next pair!

And to shenzhennifer, SAHM need to improve their quality of life by having a help; they can go to gyms for one; or to a romantic dinner with the hubby while leaving their precious in a trusting hand at any time; or do some studies to keep their brain active; let alone saving the hassle of taking care of household chores and spending quality time with the kids...The benefit goes on and on as long as you can develop a good relationship with the helper. Isn't it one of the advantages we can take while being in HK?

And for moms asking helpers to attend to the babies at night? I don't have a problem with them at all. I wouldn't do it myself because I want my kids to see me at night when they need me; however, it's a personal choice which would in no way mark those who don't get up to the kids less caring or irresponsible.
 
@ shenzhennifer, having extra help is a definitely luxury in Asia as we definitely could not afford it the in the US. As a SAHM, my job with my child is 24/7 - no holidays, no sick days and no weekends off. My husband watched my son for a weekend while I traveled with my parents, and he could barely do it.

I am surprised at your comment since you are obviously a mother too. yes, there are some SAHM whose day is very relaxing, but I would think for most, it's very busy. To think we do not do anything during the day, is a rather ignorant comment. I almost think working at a regular paid job is easier than what we do. Our helper allows me to spend more quality time with my son and with my husband throughout the week and weekend. Like HK 2008, the list goes on and on about the benefits of her in our household.
 
Why would sahm need a FT helper....let's see, so the house can be clean and tidy everyday, so there is fresh fruits and food in the house(not everyone lives close to a supermarket), so everyone can have nice homemade meals that, god forbids, takes more than half hour to make, so when baby throw up all over the floor it can be cleaned up right away, so mom's back don't have to hurt so much picking up baby all the time, so laundry is done promptly and clothes ironed. And of course, SAHM can also take a nap, go to the gym, get a massage, facial or pedicure, go shopping, having lunch with friends without a screaming baby, read a book, or have proper adult time with hubby to keep up the marriage.

It's all about better quality of life. If help is available and affordable, why not take advantage of it?

Some people might need to work their tails off to feel fulfilled and important, while others can choose to get help and have an easier life.
 
agree with southside and baffelly - a DH is amazing. There is no way we could have the same help in the States so why not take advantage of it here! Our DH helps with all facets of our life here in HK especially keeping the house tidy. Having a DH allows me to play with my son instead of thinking about doing the laundry, she allows me to go mommy/me classes without thinking about going to the market to buy milk and she allows me to have date night with my husband.
 
Shenzhennifer said:
In fact, I`m just curious why any SAHM would need a FT helper. I mean, what are you doing all day?

Sorry, best I bite my cyber tongue, lest I get a cyber slap;)
Click to expand...

In a chinese culture, the SAH "Mom" could spend the day playing Mahjong with her buddies without guilt or worry about their kids left at home. Hubby would not complain either that the home is dirty, or that dinner is not ready.
:haha:
 
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