Help! MIL problems!

L

louisouis

Registered User
I am having major problems with my MIL, my resentment towards her is making me resent my husband and therefore affecting our relationship. MIL and I had an OK relationship at first even though at the beginning of our marriage she will constantly come over unannounced (she has keys to our apartment) and walk into our bedroom while we are sleeping!

She loves, loves, loves my husband and sons, nothing wrong with that but she loves to interfere and come into my house and do everything the opposite way! Since I have my babies, my husband thought it will be a good idea for his mother to come everyday to 'look after' the babies while the helper does the housework, since both of us have full time and demanding jobs. Of course, she just switches on the TV for them and call them 'TV addicts', My kids are 3.5 and nearly 1, they are not tall enough to switch the TV on, when i told her that she does not have to switch the TV on and she will blame my kids saying that they want to watch TV. Basically, she just wants to watch TV (stock market and chinese opera), I don't think my kids are addicted to the Hang seng index....
This is just one of the things that she does, she loves to be the center of attention for everything, if she is not getting her way she will punish her son by pretending to be very very ill, but it is always a miracle! Because, when she gets her way, she will recover in 1 hour. Sent to the hospital via an ambulance because she can't move? Another miracle! She walks out of the A & E after 3 hours. Physiotherapy as prescribed by the doctors? No, she had amazingly recovered in 3 hours and hence the doctors can save their pysiotherapy sesssions! 3 hours of sulking at the A & E is better than any treatment!

For my first baby, my husband thought of a name for my son (we asked his father during the pregnancy, but he said he will leave it to my husband), my MIL, then told us that my FIL does not want the baby to be his grandson because he hates the name.... When my husband asked FIL, FIL denied this, my MIL just loves to spread lies and tales, she did the same thing again during my second pregnancy. Basically I never had a quiet confinement, I am sure she will not do that if I am her daughter.

She love my husband soooo much that she feels obligated to call him every night, which is fine, but she also 'files her report' about eerything that happened in the house. Like all the things that the maid, and babies have done, most of which is because of my bad maangement etc etc. Of course I do not know any of this as I am not home and not aware of what is happening, but of course she paints a very nasty picture and also create 'political tensions' beween herself andt he maid...

Come on! the maid is my assistant, she really makes a difference in my life, she does not tell tales and come up with stories for my husband to react with! She even told my husband it is either the maid or her???!!! Of course, my husband believes her and thinks that she is the one being bullied! My husband and i constantly fight because of her...the relationship is torn beyond repair...

I have already synchronised my schedule, to not bump into her under any circumstances, but she insists on coming all the time even when I have told her outright that we have plans during the weekends etc...

AHHHHHHHHHH! Apologies for the senseless rant! Please share your MIL survival stories! and advice will be appreciated. I am at the end of my thether.
 
Wow, I've heard of some bad MIL stories but yours really take the cake! I despise my MIL too but despite being a thoroughly unpleasant person (to the point where her eldest daughter won't even speak to her, even though they share a house!) but she hasn't done a tenth of those things that you've described!

I think there are many different ways to cope. I would say the best is for your husband to be on-side with you in your dealings with the MIL. I know it sounds easier said than done, but if you are able to sit down with him and come to some sort of compromise/agreement/game plan, this really would be the best scenario. It may involve you conceding some points too, but ultimately, he needs to recognize and acknowledge the issues at hand and be willing to meet you halfway.

Of course this may not be possible. If, despite your best efforst, hubbie refuses to come to the table and it doesn't happen, you need a fall-back scenario whereby you lay down the battlelines and carve out a living space tolerable for yourself. For instance, I would do certain things to reclaim your home - first and foremost by reclaiming your housekeys. If MIL comes over, she can ring the doorbell like everyone else! The easiest way may be to change the locks (just say you lost your keys or something!) and get one of those really expensive and difficult keys to copy - requiring a code card etc - and just get enough keys for your family - i.e. 3 sets, one for hubbie, one for you and one for maid. Keep the key code so no one can copy keys but you! Is your helper smart and on your side? You can sit down quietly with HER and thrash out a non-confrontational game plan to make things more difficult for your MIL when she is in your home.

Basically this is not the textbook recommended way, and I'm sure there will be many who say it's not healthy etc to undermine the extended family members but if your husband won't support you on issues relating to HIS family, then desperate times call for desperate measures!

I'm sorry to be so negative, but you sound like a really nice and well-intentioned person and sometimes Chinese females from the older generation tend to play mean, so you need to protect yourself against it. Again in an ideal world, it's best for hubbie to be on-board and you should try to achieve that first - but if despite your best efforts, it doesn't happen, then you need to protect yourself and your marriage from insidious forces! Good luck!!
 
I'm so sorry for your situation and for the most part I don't really have much advice but I'd cancel the TV or take the cable to work with you or do whatever you need to do to ensure it can't be switched on during the day - I'd be furious if someone sat my child in front of the TV all day. A little won't hurt but I'd never have it on all day, especially not for a one year old. Maybe she'll be less keen on babysitting if there's no tv and your helper can do it, sounds like she wouldn't mind.

As for the rest she sounds ghastly but with the things that don't directly affect the children, it's for your husband to sort out - can he stand up to her? Not play into the illness stuff and put a bolt on the door for when you don't want to be disturbed.

I hope you can both come up with a plan to make the situation more bearable.
 
Just curious -- is your MIL Chinese? Because older Chinese women can really be the bossiest. (And, no, I'm not being racist. I'm Chinese myself!)
 
My MIL is Chinese too. And she is a nightmare. She is obsessed with my husband...we can start a new support group:) My advice to you is Save your marriage when you can. It's not worth to fight with your husband becox of her. Kill her with kindness. I've been there and done that.. Check ur pm good luck!
 
Thank you for your support... It really helps when I can't seem to see light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, she is Chinese, very local hk mil. I am from Singapore, hence, my Chinese traditions are not correct so her way is the best. The way that I do things are not auspicious, but hers always have divine intervention..... I live in a tvb/Korean drama, I am sure my husband know her antics but choose to go along with her. he always reprimand me for not having a big enough heart to humor an old lady. But if she is imposing her way all the time and. Rearing havoc with her tales, how can I develop any kind of positivity towards her? In the past she will tell me tales about her relatives, unwittingly, I will voice my opinions only to have her twist my words and report to the very relatives that she was telling tales about! Hence successfully creating the worst pr for me ever! Hence in their eyes, I am just the spoilt brat from Singapore... Whatever.... I am too tired, just let me have some peace and quiet and some privacy and not have her hovering in the vicinity whener I have a conversation or phone call.......
 
I understand you perfectly, as I lived in a similar to yours, only that I was on your husband's shoes, as my mum was the one who was driving my husband crazy.

One year ago my parents came to HK to "help me" on my confinement and stayed in our house for 2 months. My mum is not malicious, but she is quite spoiled and like to do things her way without even asking other. Anyway, my parents, and the lack of privacy and private space (due to small size of our apartment) really drove my husband crazy. He resented my parents, and me for having them living with us (and because he thought that I was on my parent side). My parents felt his resentment, but still didn't want to move out, because they are traditional chineses that think that families should be based on tolerance and respect toward each other.... so must stay together no matter what.

I was in the middle of them, so I got all the tension. My sister resented me for being "unfair" to my parents, and not treating them well. I resented my husband for not being more understanding and tolerant (after all, I just had a baby!!!). I even called MCHC asking for an appointment for postnatal depression, although I knew that my problem wasn't really "postnatal" related... but sometime I just wanted to disappear from the planet.... just didn't want to leave my poor baby behind.

I ended up asking my parents to leave. In return, my dad cried and asked me how we could treat them like that when they didn't commit any unforgivable error, and all they wanted to do was to help... and of course, they thought I was on my husband side.

Anyway, my case is different than yours, but probably can help you understand your hubby. If sometime you feel that he is on his parent's side, he might not... he might be in the middle, between a rock and a hard place... he might be suffering more than you. Because you may not care about your MIL, and she may not care about you, but your hubby care for you both.

I don't really have a straight solution to your problem.. I didn't have one for mine either... but probably you can do try different things to change same situation... Like for example, if your MIL blame your kids for watching the TV, then just lock the TV channels with password.. instead just leave some educational DVDs for your MIL or helper to play once or twice a day.
 
don't be hard on yourself. it's not because you're singaporean. she'd be the same if you were HK chinese, mainland chinese, malaysian chinese, etc. that's how chinese MILs are.
there's nothing you can do about her personality. but can you talk to your husband about limited her time around your household?
 
Just read your post and i really feel for you. I moved over from Brunei to be with my husband and we are now expecting our first child. Our wedding has caused a huge strain between both families and likewise to your situation, my husband resents my mother. He feels that my mother has no concern for my well being and has no rationale. My mother on the other hand felt this tension and feels that he is disrespectful and stubborn and she feels I have married the wrong person. I am being sandwiched between both of them. On one hand, my mother raised me on her own and went through so much just to make sure I had everything others had which required her to work two jobs to put me through University. My husband on the other hand loves me dearly and feels that my mother does not put the baby and well being as first priority. I feel like I have to always argue the other parties argument and i am beginning to feel very frustrated.
My baby is due in November and its my only wish that both my husband and my mother will be there for that special occassion. But because of my mom, there was been a lot of tension with my in laws with regards to her presence here in Hong Kong. I have kept her in the dark as to their disapproval of her so that she does not worry too much. I am her only daughter and this will be the birth of her first grandchild. I want this to be just as special for her as it is for myself, husband and his family. I am lost as to how to mend the situation.
 
Whether dealing with children or MILs, there is only one thing that works and will bring peace to married lives : Husband and Wife must present a united front as rulers of their own family and households.

Yup, we had MIL troubles early on (my Mother) as well but by working together with my wife the interference stopped very quickly.

I've read in this thread the spouse not being supportive, until that changes the MIL problems will not go away. Infact, I'll go as far as to say that the problem is not the MIL, but its the spouse that is not supporting the partner.

HC
 
howardcoombs said:
Whether dealing with children or MILs, there is only one thing that works and will bring peace to married lives : Husband and Wife must present a united front as rulers of their own family and households.

Yup, we had MIL troubles early on (my Mother) as well but by working together with my wife the interference stopped very quickly.

I've read in this thread the spouse not being supportive, until that changes the MIL problems will not go away. Infact, I'll go as far as to say that the problem is not the MIL, but its the spouse that is not supporting the partner.

HC
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Do you give classes? ;-)
 
Louisouis, I am hearing you and feeling your pain. I have my own MIL issues. The unfortunate thing is that you will NEVER change your MIL but perhaps you can manage how you react to her and minimise the impact on your relationship with your husband. For me the critical difference has been the support my husband has shown me, and although his mother's erstwhile behaviour continues unabated, I feel better that we are 'in this together' more than previously, when I felt I was battling both him and my MIL.

I think the critical change (husband severing the umbilical cord connecting him to his mother) for me came in several stages but mainly after some issues related to my DD.
Initially my in laws had keys to my home (not too strange, my mom, sister and neighbour have keys to my home back in Australia for emergency use only -they have NEVER accessed my home in over 10 years since I've had my own place) however my MIL had a tendency to pop in all the time unannounced. Despite dark looks from me, a lack of enthusiasm for her presence and no hospitality extended to her (no drinks offered, not invited to sit down) this continued as clearly her hide is thicker than a rhinos and she didn't seem to get the multiple hints thrown in her direction. One time I was padding about in a long singlet top only (it was baking hot in HK), and my in laws came wandering around. Although I was embarrassed and beat a hasty retreat into the bedroom, they just stayed in our home milling about. When I didn't come out, my husband came to find me as he expected that I would 'get dressed' and come out. I told my husband that it was late (10pm or so), I was tired, I'm in my own home (I hope and this home wasn't an extension of my in-laws home) and if he'd like I'll come out dressed as I am. Needless to say, he quickly told them he was tired and had to work the next day, and hurried them off. After they left, he and I had a talk, about how a person should be able to be comfortable in their own home without having to be surprised by an unexpected person wandering into your home (we have helpers but they leave at 9.00pm sharp to their own quarters which is separate from the main home), and how would he feel if my sister or mother came wandering in on a regular basis when he was lounging about in his undies. He thought it was a fair point, and I suggested to him that as we were having renovations, we should change the locks and not give them a key. It took some time for him to agree, and we do have one those special locks where the key is complicated and takes some organising to replicate, so it was not too much of a stretch for him to tell his parents that it was easier for them to ring the doorbell as we have maids in house at all times (rather than 'I'm not going to give you a key to my home' which he wouldn’t have accepted as it would have been offensive to his parents). That made a huge difference to how I felt in my own home. Of course I have friends married to local men who can not do the same thing, as the in laws own their homes so feel entitled to enter and leave at will but that is a whole other post.

The second thing that happened was that I pointed out to my hubby that although for the most part his parents agendas and ours were aligned, at times, they would diverge and that I needed him to see and understand that. After the agenda observation, I would point out to my husband glaring examples of where his parents would act in their best interest at the expense of ours. I reassured my hubby that I didn’t believe that his parents were doing anything in a malicious way, but that it was about their own self gratification, and our unhappiness was just collateral damage. For example, recently my DD was requesting to eat her dinner in front of the television and threw some major hissy fits when I said no and held firm. My husband has also had to deal with these battle of the wills melt downs too, and I think that’s important, in how this played out long term.
Anyway, I’d no idea at all why she was asking for this when she’d always been fed at the dining table. I just figured it was a phase she must have been going through. Just 3 days ago I went by to my MIL’s home to say drop off my DD school bag (the helper had forgotten to give it to my MIL who has my DD 2 days a week) and of course what do I see but my DD in front of the telly with the full lunch spread, steamed fish platter, stir fried greens, rice, soup, a helper to feed her and her favourite Hi-5 video on whilst my MIL was chatting on the mobile and looking indulgently on. I waited for her to get off the phone and remarked firmly that I don’t want my DD fed in front of the telly, to which she replied that it was what my DD wanted. I told her 3 year olds don’t call the shots and just left it at that. I told my husband about it. Given that he has been tasked several times with managing my DD’s tantrum and tears over the dining table issue (mainly her screaming in his ear and rolling about on the floor), he was not impressed and had a very stern word with his mother.
Second example, my DD starts her night ‘run’ at 5.30pm. She has her tea, then her bath, then a 1 hour wind down with us, then 2 books and then sleeps at 8pm. When she is given too many snacks or too much sugar close to tea time or is returned home too late, she refuses her dinner, is agitated, refuses her bath, carries on in an irritable fashion and is generally exhausting. These sorts of days she won’t sleep until 12am, and of course my husband’s evening peace is interrupted (our helpers do not care for our children in the evening after 9pm) and he really feels it. These sorts of evenings always occur when our DD has been with the in laws for the day (consistently). My husband will of his own accord confront his parents, usually at 11pm as he’s basically had it himself by this stage, and is always frustrated by his mom’s excuses, DD wanted the ice creams, jelly beans, huge afternoon high tea at 4.30pm (so doesn’t get home til 6.30-7pm)…..I don’t have to battle with him as he can see the Jekyll and Hyde turn of our DD when her routine is willfully interrupted by the in laws as they want to be the hero when around my DD, often times at our expense. My husband used to think it was gorgeous that his parents would say as grandparents it is not our job to teach but to enjoy and spoil and now those words have come back to haunt him, as he is left to deal with the fall out of the spoiling. Again, I reiterate, my MIL is not a bad person, but she’s in some sort of crazy competition for my DD’s love which leads her to do things no sane parent would do (she wants my DD to tell her but especially everyone else that she loves maamaa the best……has not happened yet!!!)

Sorry for the long post. The upshot is I don’t think you can change your MIL but you can feel better about it if you really feel your hubby is on your side. I would suggest allowing your hubby to deal with your children when they have their issues if it arises directly due to your MIL’s actions, when it costs him something (his quiet evenings at home, an easy night time bath-story run) then he may spring into action. Good luck and chin up.
 
Clee912, I think you need to listen to your husband. From your short post it seems as if the reason why you accept whatever it is your mom does because of the sacrifices she has made for you, from guilt or a sense of owing her something (please correct me if I am wrong), but you have to remember and this will hit you with full force once your own little one arrives, that you have these little tiggers because YOU choose to, not because they (your child) asks you to be born. So everything you do for them should be done with a selfless heart and not with an intention that the child owes the parent something. This is something that occurs in my hubby's family and I see this a fair bit in Hong Kong....something along the lines of pay back when the children become adults. Just think about it, if your mom is really acting in your best interests then you need to readjust your thinking, that everything just does not go just because she is your mom (and because of all the things she has done for you). Good luck too.
 
mummymoo said:
Clee912, I think you need to listen to your husband. From your short post it seems as if the reason why you accept whatever it is your mom does because of the sacrifices she has made for you, from guilt or a sense of owing her something (please correct me if I am wrong), but you have to remember and this will hit you with full force once your own little one arrives, that you have these little tiggers because YOU choose to, not because they (your child) asks you to be born. So everything you do for them should be done with a selfless heart and not with an intention that the child owes the parent something. This is something that occurs in my hubby's family and I see this a fair bit in Hong Kong....something along the lines of pay back when the children become adults. Just think about it, if your mom is really acting in your best interests then you need to readjust your thinking, that everything just does not go just because she is your mom (and because of all the things she has done for you). Good luck too.
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thanks mummymoo for this post (and your longer one), actually i thought exactly the same. Clee912 made a short post but perfectly illustrates why MILs can become a problem and - apparently - she even clarifies the reasons for this, e.g. guilt.

until clee confronts her mother about the underlying issues like the guilt and sacrifices made, her family sounds like a train wreck to happen
 
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