First time hiring helper - Help!

M

mum32

Registered User
Hello. It's my first time to hire a helper and I have hired one from the Philippines. She has never been to HK before and she is in her mid twenties.

Her major role is to look after my newborn baby. So far she is doing fine. I always ask her if she is OK, any homesick etc but everytime I have the same answer which is 'Yes mum'.

How do I know if she is really fine? I really care about her feelings and I want to make sure she is happy so she can do her job well.

Also I have talked to a lot of local mums here about dealing with helpers and here is what I hear from them:
1. Don't be too nice to the helpers. They will be very relaxed with you and take things for granted. On the other hand, don't be too nasty or they will take revenge (hmmmm the killing employer and the bleach in milk cases)?!
2. Do not let the helpers to hang around with those who have been in HK for a long time. Although they may be experienced and know Hk quite well, they are smart and know all the tricks to the employers, they are lazy...?!
3. If we want to tell the helpers to do something, just tell them straight, no need to explain why, talk less as they do not have the EQ to understand us. Forget about meetings with them, it's for the office, not for them, this is too civilized?!
4. Keep an eye on them all the time by installing cameras or ask a close relative to come. We never know what they do while we employers are not at home.

There are a few more of these comments but I have heard enough. They are so negative and make me paranoid. I am dying to hear the truth! I have also been reading some other threads and it seems that foreign employers do not have much problems with their helpers unlike the local ones.
 
I know its hard. We went through this with our helper as well. It took her a few months to get settled in HK and make friends. The one friend that she had in HK was a lot older and preferred to sleep in on a Sunday instead of going out. Only after she found a church she liked and started getting involved with the choir/ and the charity work they did, did she finally enjoy HK. Can you perhaps ask a friend's helper to show her around on Sunday. Does she have a mobile? Maybe give her some extra money to buy a calling card and call home.

You're going to get a lot of advice regarding helpers. However, it's up to you to decide what's going to work for both of you.

Good luck!
 
mum32 said:
Also I have talked to a lot of local mums here about dealing with helpers and here is what I hear from them:
1. Don't be too nice to the helpers. They will be very relaxed with you and take things for granted. On the other hand, don't be too nasty or they will take revenge (hmmmm the killing employer and the bleach in milk cases)?!
2. Do not let the helpers to hang around with those who have been in HK for a long time. Although they may be experienced and know Hk quite well, they are smart and know all the tricks to the employers, they are lazy...?!
3. If we want to tell the helpers to do something, just tell them straight, no need to explain why, talk less as they do not have the EQ to understand us. Forget about meetings with them, it's for the office, not for them, this is too civilized?!
4. Keep an eye on them all the time by installing cameras or ask a close relative to come. We never know what they do while we employers are not at home.
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I seriously hope you are not going to listen to them! It just sounds down right nasty. I do not believe you should treat them as a good friend (unless they have subsequently gained your trust as such), but there really is no need to treat helpers like uneducated inferiors, they are not. It's a simple employer, employee relationship and you need to have enough trust in your helper that she would do her job properly. If she needs training from you, you should explain the reason why and the way you need it done, then she hopefully will not merely be doing something she thinks is trivial and unimportant.

If she is doing a good job, then tell her that. If she looks unhappy to you, just tell her that if she has a problem, she can always come to you. It's the most you can do, cos by the same token, you are not her best friend and "yes mam" maybe the only thing she wants to tell you about her personal feelings. Just bear in mind that she is new to you and vice versa, so opening up will take a little longer.

But if she is not working to how you would like, you also need to tell her and not worry about hurting her feelings etc. It is why you hired a helper in the 1st place, to help you, so it is up to you to make sure it happens.
 
1. Don't be too nice to the helpers. They will be very relaxed with you and take things for granted. On the other hand, don't be too nasty or they will take revenge (hmmmm the killing employer and the bleach in milk cases)?!
so, keep it civil, be friendly (but not friends). keep it employer/employee. but keep in mind how you would like to be treated.

2. Do not let the helpers to hang around with those who have been in HK for a long time. Although they may be experienced and know Hk quite well, they are smart and know all the tricks to the employers, they are lazy...?!
i don't think it is possible or desirable for you to "choose" her friends. what business is it of yours? that said, my helper is involved in her church. i've met most of her friends as i've given her extra money for them to buy a special lunch. i've invited them over for a bbq that i prepared and paid for. (for my helper's birthday)

3. If we want to tell the helpers to do something, just tell them straight, no need to explain why, talk less as they do not have the EQ to understand us. Forget about meetings with them, it's for the office, not for them, this is too civilized?!
just because they come from a poorer country means that they are stupid? not usually the case. i always find that explaining is BETTER as then my helper knows WHY i want something done a certain way.

4. Keep an eye on them all the time by installing cameras or ask a close relative to come. We never know what they do while we employers are not at home.
we never installed a camera. i believe that if i can't trust her, then i will fire her. as for having a relative come by... my mother-in-law is the one i need to keep an eye on. she gives my kids anything and everything they want. she doesn't ever use the word, "no". at least my helper does her best to follow my instructions and my wishes. my m-i-l just does whatever she wants to do and has no regard for my wishes.
 
I totally agree with what AndreaY & carang mentioned about. Well said!

While we don't have to be best friends with our helper I think a healthy employer-employee relationship with trust and respect go a much longer way then trying to be a control freak.
 
"I always ask her if she is OK, any homesick etc but everytime I have the same answer which is 'Yes mum'.

How do I know if she is really fine? I really care about her feelings and I want to make sure she is happy so she can do her job well."

This can be a bit tricky depending on your helper's personality and situation. My previous helper appeared stressed or worried from time to time and we knew that's because of various issues back at her home. Same as you, I wanted to make sure she's happy because she's also looking after my baby. However, when I asked her about the problems it often got awkward -- she would burst into tears and her problem was usually about money and the conversation usually ended with her asking for a salary advance -- a sick child needing money for medication, children school fees due but no money, family members demanding more money sent back, etc., etc. After this happened several times, I started to feel reluctant to ask her any more because I knew what I was going to hear and that probably wasn't what I wanted to hear.

My current helper, though, has a brighter personality and seems to be able to handle her personal issues better (or may not have as many). I also have brief chats with her about her life but we both understand that our relationship is one of employment and in principle she's the one to to handle her personal issues.


"1. Don't be too nice to the helpers. They will be very relaxed with you and take things for granted. On the other hand, don't be too nasty or they will take revenge (hmmmm the killing employer and the bleach in milk cases)?!"

This sounds a bit harsh. But there is some truth in it if they were talking about management skills when dealing with your employees. I would say keep the relationship professional rather than too personal, be reasonable, show respect and care but still lay down rules, and be firm when instructions are not followed.

They were right in the sense that some employees tend to be slack or take things for granted when the boss is too soft. It's certainly also true that a nasty employer will face consequences and the employee certainly will not necessarily delivery better performance. There IS some balance to strike for a healthy and productive relationship.

"2. Do not let the helpers to hang around with those who have been in HK for a long time. Although they may be experienced and know Hk quite well, they are smart and know all the tricks to the employers, they are lazy...?!"

I don't see how one can and should control who her helper makes friends with. If you are concerned about the tricks, better to learn about them yourself and know how to prevent your helper from playing them against you or find out if she's doing it.

"3. If we want to tell the helpers to do something, just tell them straight, no need to explain why, talk less as they do not have the EQ to understand us. Forget about meetings with them, it's for the office, not for them, this is too civilized?!"

I also try to explain things to my helper so that she understands and does things better. There have been a few occasions with my previous helper, though, when the explanation seemed to just confuse her. When that seemed to be the case I just stopped explaining and made it simple and told her what to do.

"4. Keep an eye on them all the time by installing cameras or ask a close relative to come. We never know what they do while we employers are not at home."

We never did that. When each of my helpers was new, I tried not to leave the baby with her alone for a long time, and only did that gradually after I was sure about their ability (and trustworthiness) to take care of the baby. So far I have not found anything inappropriate they did when we were away from home.
 
Thanks miao. Your advice is very valuable.

My helper is doing OK. I am getting what I have asked for (simple household chores and taking care of the baby). And so far I have not discovered any 'negative' behaviours such as stealing, telling lies etc...

One thing that bothers me most is her personality. She looks sad and not cheerful which makes it very awkwad. She doesn't smile much and most of the time I am confused with her shy /sour faced facial expression. I don't want to ask her if she is fine as she will tell me the same answer 'yes mum' and I don't want to get involved in her personal problems.

Sometimes I wonder if I am being too strict with her because I want things in order and properly done. Basically I don't talk to her much apart from giving her instructions. Sometimes I do ask her things like if she has had her dinner and if everything is OK. I never scold her or use harsh words as I believe this will ruin the relationship.

I am not sure if that will affect my baby. From me and my husband's observations, she is not a baby/kid person. She doesn't seem to enjoy taking care of my baby and does not have a lot of patience. When she bottle feeds her, she will just stare at the baby and does not talk to her. I have tried to talk to her but it doesn't help much. I know I cannot expect her to be like us, feeding and playing with her with love and compassion.

Well, I think I will just see how things go. Hope the situation will improve. If she is still miserable next year I will consider seriously to look for a new helper when her contract ends.
 
I honestly wouldn't put a lot of weight on helper doing a great job at cleaning, cooking or other household chores(of course nice to have all these for sure, AND my helper happens to possess them all. My perception might be different if otherwise). To me having a caring heart towards young children is most important. People do have different personalities which should be expected and respected, however, he/she must have a good heart to children.

My helper for instance, she came from a broken family and doesn't have a habit to smile at anyone. According to her, 'there is nothing for me to smile about'. A good example would be when a guard opens the door for her, she would say thank you but with a straight face. I don't have a problem at all(you can't force anyone to be happy, right?). But I do notice since she joined us four months ago, she smiles more and more and also more readily than ever.

The reason I didn't have a problem with this is because she adores our kids from the very beginning. Actually the lady who referred her to me rated her child minding skills as 9 out of 10. She sings to them, reads to them, teaches them alphabet, numbers etc. She took all the trouble to get my son up on his feet and walking...And she giggles with them and makes them giggle all the time; she talks to them non-stop. Here is her most recent joke of the month to me: when she saw my son waking up from his nap and ready to eat, she said: oh my BOSS is awake!
How can I possibly not treat her like part of our family??

My point is, kids need a lot of stimulation/interaction from their main carer for good brain development(I'm not an expert on this though), be it smiles, talks, singings etc. So hopefully my experience above helps a little with whatever value it's worth...
 
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if she is miserable with my baby, i would NOT wait a whole year to decide if she'll work out.

in your release letter, just write that she performed satisfactorily. if anyone calls you, just say that she and your baby didn't bond very well, so you decided to find someone that the baby bonded with better.

i think you are crazy to keep someone around to care for your baby if all they are doing is the bare minimum.
 
HK2008: May I ask you a few questions?
Is your helper married? Does she have kids? What's her experience with kids? Do you believe that some people are born with the adoration for babies / kids?

My helper is single and has no kids. She said she has had a few years experience with kids but I really think her experience is inadequate. Well, that's not a big problem, I feel that if she likes babies and kids then she will be interested to learn from us how to take care of them.

I agree that babies and kids need a lot of stimulation, that's why I am only working part time now as I would like to spend more time with my baby and I am doing all the singing, talking etc. I will be quite concerned if I start to work full time soon.

Actually I think my helper does play with my baby abit, after series of lectures from me on ' how to play with baby and why'. I have bought books and looked in the internet to find the information. Although I have learnt a great deal and shared them with my helper, I begin to feel very tired that I have to train her that way.
 
mum32 said:
HK2008: May I ask you a few questions?
Is your helper married? Does she have kids? What's her experience with kids? Do you believe that some people are born with the adoration for babies / kids?
My helper is single and has no kids. She said she has had a few years experience with kids but I really think her experience is inadequate. Well, that's not a big problem, I feel that if she likes babies and kids then she will be interested to learn from us how to take care of the kid
Click to expand...

I think you are right there. My helper is 28 years old and single with no kids. She simply loves children, especially little ones. If your helper is relatively in-experienced in looking after children, you'll need to train her if overall you are happy with her(I mean if she's worth training and keeping). In my view, the most important starting point of whether it'll work out or not is whether she has a good heart/genuine interest towards children.

I do make sure my helper has plenty of materials to use: story books, interesting toys, musical instruments(toy ones), nursery rhymes, flash cards, etc. Hoping you can work out a way with your helper soon on how to take better care of your child!
 
Thank you HK2008 for your advice.

I am not sure if my helper has a great interest towards children but she has a good heart and still worth training and keeping at the moment. So I just have to keep her inspired all the time. Having plenty of materials is a good idea.
 
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