Encourage independent play and less demand for attention?

erina320

erina320

Registered User
My three and a half year old is COMPLETELY dependent on my interaction with her 24/7. The first words out of her mouth in the morning are "Mommy play with me!" and her last words in the evening are "Mommy play!" When I'm not cooking, cleaning or laying the baby down I spend ALL of my time playing with her. When I am cooking, cleaning or laying the baby down I try and engage her with coloring or playing games on the iPad, but she lacks any focus or self motivation in these activities and will sit there till I come back shouting the entire time "Mommy look! Mommy play with me!" I am at a loss for how to encourage more independence and teach her how to play on her own some. Any ideas would be appreciated!
I am exhausted and frustrated trying to care for our Littlest one and keep or older one happy... :-(
 
i guess the only thing to do is to stop playing with her everytime she asks. tell her you are busy... she knows where her toys are and that you'll be there in 5 minutes. then leave her for 5 minutes. gradually make it 10 minutes, then 15 etc.

good luck! you will also find that when baby is a little older, they will play together and not need you anymore...then you will actually miss her calling you (at least that is how i felt!)
 
Thanks Carang. I know I'll miss playing with her when she doesn't want me around anymore, but right now it's so extreme I have to wonder if this type of dependency on me is normal? She's so bad about it that she'll say "Mommy play!" even while I'm sitting on the floor and playing with her. I try and take her to the playground or swimming everyday and even there she demands I play with her to the exclusion of all else. When I really am busy she sits in the other room yelling "Mom, mom! I need you!" with no end. I guess I'm concerned with her ability to self entertain and initiate. I was hoping others might have an idea how to teach her to be more independent.
 
Please correct me if I'm wrong, but did you just move here recently? If so, was she like this before you moved? When I moved back (to Hong Kong), my daughter got kind of clingy too. I think she was feeling insecure with being in a new place, new language, and around a lot of people who don't look like her or what she was familiar with previously. She has now adjusted but anytime we go somewhere new for her to play, I noticed that she wants me around a lot but will eventually start to play on her own. Another thing you may want to do is to join playgroup/K1, this will provide friends her own age to play with. The only other thing is she may be competing for attention with the baby. If that is the case, then maybe set aside a certain amount of time a day with just you and her (if that's possible) and say it's me and you time. Then later, when she wants to play with you outside of mommy and me time, you can say we will play together during mommy and me time but now I have to do XYZ. Hope that helps. I can image it can get pretty overwhelming at times.
 
We did just move here but my oldest was this way before we moved to Hong Kong and before we had a second child as well.

She has ALWAYS needed me in order to play. When she was an only child I remember being EXHAUSTED with how much attention she required. Now it's even more so and I am not exaggerating when I say I spend ALL of my free time playing with her. If I'm not doing a "Mommy chore" I'm playing with her! So much so that even sometimes while I am doing a "Mommy chore" ie. washing the dishes, she has me play by just being the voice for one of her toys.

A playgroup is a good idea, but she has already made a few friends since moving here as well.
 
Maybe you can try inviting her to your "play," too, by assisting you in your chores. When you do dishes, give her a towel to dry some spoons or plastic cups then put them away; when you do laundry, she can help you put dirty clothes into the washer or drag the laundry hamper from the room to the machine; if you are sweeping, give her a toy broom to sweep together. Thank her for being a good helper. She'll be proud of her "work" and is not left alone, and you can get you chores done.
I've find a lot of kids thinking it's the adults' "job" to play and entertain them.
 
actually, my two kids do laundry all the time. they also change the sheets on their beds by themselves (need help with the duvet, though)... they are 4 & 6 and have done these things for at least a year.
 
Thanks Bonita. That's a good idea. In the past I was really good about having her help me with my chores. I kind of fell out of the habit of it in the interest of haste, but I'll try and include her more.
 
How about putting up an activity chart (store bought or home made) where you have tags for different activities throughout the day?

I find that's really helpful for preschoolers as it really helps them visualize and anticipate their activities. So small tags with the word "breakfast" and a little food icon next to it, "brushing teeth" and a toothbrush icon, "mommy playtime" etc etc so she can anticipate and follow your scheduling.

I've seen ones that are felt based which can be easily rearranged.
 
Carang's idea about building up your daughter's independence slowly is a good one. It also seems like the iPad and coloring activities aren't getting your daughter's attention. Another thing you could do is think about what your daughter really likes. Is it princess toys, animals, or maybe a different iPad game? Then you could play together for a few minutes then slowly sneak away. When kids find something they really like, they become very engaged and don't want to be distracted.
 
Hi!
Does she go to kindy? Is she independent then?

I can see the same in my son as well, and that has clearly started since he got a baby sister. For my part, the best thing is to organise some guilt free (for me) time for him, play dates with friends for example. Then, he is away and when he comes back we are together and I can focus my honest attention on him and he sees that I am there, not only physically but emotionally. I just hope he will grow out of it, and he does get more comfortable when we do spend true quality time together, not just a lot of hours together, as his sister is usually around then too. So I guess my advice is the opposite to the one above... I guess one doesn't exclude the other.

I took it one step further and started a playgroup which was intended to give me more guilt free time while he gets exactly what he needs. The playgroup is a full afternoon outdoor. The children have lunch together, then they have reading time, and after that they go exploring the nature and beach, learn about safety outdoor, plants and animals, they are introduced to sports and arts in a very relaxed environment. The leader is a lovely lady who used to work for ESF with their afternoon sports activities. The kids LOVE it and are exhausted from fresh air and physical play when they get home. Please check it out on facebook "Dagis HK" for pictures and more info!

Good luck!
 
Thanks Eje,

Very helpful! We have decided to start K1 in February for this very reason. I am hoping it will give her the stimulation she needs.

I will definitely look into the playgroup you mentioned. It sounds fabulous.

Thank you.
 
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