Baby goes to sleep by himself?!?

O

OX Jess

Registered User
Ladies, I obviously have a "silly" question here but would appreciate some advice:

When you say your baby sleeps by himself/herself, what does it mean? Does it mean you put him into his bed and leave him there and let him fall asleep by himself without being even by his side?

My son is 9 months old but he has never slept by himself (in the way as I described in the above). I either hold him and let him lay his head on my shoulder/chest and rock /sing him into sleep; or lie down with him side by side and talk/sing him into sleep. Never think I've never tried to leave him alone to sleep... I did try but he always needs our company or juts cries and cries until we attend to him. Can't bear to let him cry so poorly and not go near to him. Is it because I have never 'trained' him? How do you train your baby to go to sleep by himself (without tears, if possible) ?!? Thanks.
 
I think my daughter learnt to sleep by herself because I started as soon as she was born. A lot of the time, she would fall asleep feeding, but the times that she didn't, once I started noticing the signs that she was tired, I would put her in her cot and leave the room. She is very independent and doesn't "need" our attention much - so part of it I think is her personality. She's happy to play alone and in a mall, she'll run off by herself too - doesn't even stop to look where we are!!

I've heard that the best way to "train" them to become independent sleepers (although I've never tried this myself) is to take baby steps. If your baby is used to you being in the room, then get a chair and move it away from the cot a bit every night, so the first night (or first few nights) you're right next to him, then after he's happy with that, move back a bit until he's happy with that, until you're sitting in the doorway, the you're sitting right out the door way but still in view, then you're right next to his room (he can't see you but you can pop your head around the door if he's upset)... maybe try that? That's a process but it should be reasonably tear-free I've heard...
 
Hi

Yep - by himself means just that - falling asleep in his/her cot without anyone in the room, or any 'prop' (e.g. dummy, patting, rocking, etc)

Is your current method of putting him to sleep actually a big problem for you? If its not, then don't worry about training him - it's works for your life and there is no crying to bear :)

Although you may face issues down the line - some children magically become independent sleepers once they reach a particular age, but most do not. A toddler that needs to be assisted to sleep is a very different proposition to a baby!

If you don't want to assist him to sleep every time, then yes you need to train him out of his sleep associations and allow him learn the 'knack' of falling asleep o his own.

If you are not up for any crying, the 'gradual withdrawal' method that Nicolejoy outlined above would be a great first step. Or maybe get Elizabeth Pantley's no cry solution method.

Good luck

There is another live thread debating short, sharp, cry it out vs Elizabeth Pantley you should check out. Basically, you need to do what works for you.
 
Thanks ladies.

Well, I don't have any problem with my current method of putting him to sleep, i.e holding him or lying down together with him but I just wonder, after reading so many of you saying that your babies can go to sleep by themselves, whether I should 'train' mine or not.

In the recent couple of months, mine wakes up almost certainly every night at least once, around 3 or 4 am. Instead of crying for attention, he is now trying to pull himself up in his cot. I can't just leave him as I fear he might fall so I have to carry him and rock him back to sleep (as he normally refuses to lie down again!!) Very rarely would he go back to sleep by himself. Before he was able to pull himself up in his cot, I could still be at ease to leave him there and walk away, but now I just can't for fear that he might fall although his cot is well fitted with bumpers.
 
Yep I agree with Leah. If your baby goes to sleep easily with your help and it is not a problem for you then there's no need to change that. If my baby had been like that I would not have needed to try any other methods. It's only because he would only take very short naps and then not be able to get back to sleep by himself even though he was sooo tired and was waking at night every hour without being able to put himself back to sleep that I got desperate. If your method works for you, then great! :)
 
Definitely agree with the other ladies! One thing that I noticed with my daughter is that, the older she gets (18 mths now) the harder it is for her to sleep on her own...she still sleeps on her "own" but the process is longer because she knows that there is "fun" outside of her room, so recently I've had to sleep with her etc. to put her to sleep - which is all very new to me, or else she'd wail and cause havoc! Do what works for you and what you have to do! :)
 
Hi, it's me here again.

Since my son was born, I always carried him and rocked him into sleep, and he always felt into sleep within 10-15 minutes. He is now 10 months old. His sleeping routine was: I take him to bedroom and set up the sleeping atmosphere at 9pm and he almost certainly falls into sleep by 930. But, for no reason, since last Sat my son refused to be carried into sleep and demanded to be laid in bed by himself. At first I was happy with the change as I thought he 'finally' wants to go to sleep by himself. BUT, the reality is not that 'ideal' and I am not sure if most babies are like this or it's only my son.

When I lay him down in bed, he rolls over and over non-stop feel like having a little game with himself; he plays with his blanket and plush toy; he babbles to himself... all these little activities take 45 minutes and he still shows no sign of falling into sleep!!!! When I tried to pick him up, he struggled and demanded to be laid down in bed.

Take tonight for instance, I took him to the bedroom at 9pm and he 'played with himself' in bed for 50 minutes then I got a bit 'impatient' and shush him twice in a harsh tone (which I of course felt bad afterwards!) He finally calmed down and fell into sleep at 10:10pm !!

My concerns are:
(1) I don't want him to go into sleep after 10pm; but what can I do if he plays in bed for nearly an hour? I don't think I can force a baby to stay still and close his eyes if he is not ready to...
(2) Is it normal for most babies to have about an hour 'transition time' before actually falling into sleep? Is one hour normal?
(3) If one hour 'transition time' is normal, does it mean I have to put him to bed by 830 if I want him to fall into sleep by 930? (me & my husband work full time and we get home normally about 8pm so putting him to bed by 830 literally means we have no time spent with him at all!)

May I ask you ladies, are your bubs like this if you put him/her to bed to let him sleep by himself/herself? How long does he/she take to settle down and go into sleep? Perhaps I am only too impatient and demand a 'perfect sleeper' ~~~ Thanks.
 
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my baby did that for a couple weeks...about a month ago when she was just getting over her cold. now she's back to "normal"...I must admit though, that I am more permissive than many parents, so when she "played with herself" for 30mins, I would just take her out of bed and then play with her until she shown signs of being tired...I figured playing with me was better than "playing with herself"...now she is back to sleeping at 9/9:30...it just took a bit of training again, i.e. pushing the bed time forward from (the worst was 11pm) 15mins-30mins each day to get to our "ideal" time.

I always have my baby girl put herself to sleep, but if she's playing in bed for 30mins with no signs of fatigue, I take her out...don't want her to think of the bed as a play pen, and of course playing with me is MUCH better than by herself! :)
 
I believe the norm for most babies is about 15-20 minutes for putting themselves to sleep. The bedtime routine right before should be around 20/30 minutes - whatever that may be.
For us it's:
bath (10-15 minutes)
PJs and Brushing teeth (5 mins)
Saying our good nights to everyone (3 mins)
4-5 stories ( 5-8 mins)
Bed
My son doesn't really play in his room, but some do quiet play before reading stories. We've been changing his routine as of late to a later bedtime since he has more energy, but it takes him usually 15 minutes to fall asleep. If it takes more than 30 mins for him to go to sleep and he's just fooling around in his bed, I know that my son is just not ready for sleep yet. I know to push his bedtime a bit later....
 
I've always let my daughter play in bed by herself as long as she's happy. She sometimes chatters away in bed for up to an hour before she goes to sleep, although that's not common. Most of the time she's asleep within 20 min or so... I rarely get her up once I've put her to bed, even if she's upset/crying... I know that if I get her up just because she's playing in bed, in the end she'll go to bed at least 1.5 hours after her regular bedtime and it creates more problems the next day, so now that she's got a pretty regular bedtime, I try to stick to it as much as possible... I think it's easier that way, and she doesn't mind, so it works better for us :)
 
Thanks ladies for all the advice.

Last night I set up the 'sleeping atmosphere' at home around 8:30 (by toning down the light and playing some bedtime music); then I sat him on my lap and read a book with him. Then at about 9:10 I took him to the bedroom and laid him down in bed, in which he rolled over here and there for about 10 minutes, and babbled to himself for another 10 minutes and finally fell into sleep. YEAH!! Hope he will do the same tonight~~~
 
That's great OXJess, congrats! Like southside852, I'm a firm believer in sleep routines. It preps the child for sleeping so as you go thru the motions, he is already mentally being prepared for bed.

I have a similar routine which I started from almost birth and I try never to vary - bath followed by milk with 10 mins of babytv, followed by teethbrushing and then 1-2 bedtime books.

Whatever your routine, it's important you stick to it so baby becomes accustomed. Good luck!
 
I am working on the sleeping routine. Last night, my little girl (almost 8 months now) fell asleep on her milk feed and we put her down to sleep, she woke up after 15 minutes and started crying. We patted her for 15 minutes, it didn't get better, she cried until she threw up!!!

It's probably our own doing. As it was easier to pacify her late at night when she is next to us, vs in her own room. We need to get her back to sleeping in her cot again. Now that she can pull herself up or roll on her stomach, it's so difficult to make her lie down :)

Any idea why babies wake up crying several time in the middle of the night (not hunger) and falls back asleep within a few minutes with some patting? We didn't have this problem when she was younger.
 
I have a question for all you mums out there. Sleep associations. What was your experience with changing sleep habits and behaviors? For eg : nursing to sleep OR cuddling/ holding him to sleep?

How long does it take to change the habit? weeks or months?
How much crying does it take each time?

I am now embarking on what I foresee will be a very difficult period my son is now just past 3 mths and I intend to stop cuddling/ holding him to sleep. I want to get him to learn to sleep by himself in his cot. Would like to know what I'm in for/ what to expect?
 
I waited until 4 months with my son and then weaned him off cuddling him to sleep and also using a dummy. It took about two weeks in total and sometimes he would cry for up to 20 mins. It wasn't a fun time, but now aged one he settles himself within 5 minutes when he goes to bed and even when he wakes up in the night he goes back to sleep on his own more often than not. I think it was totally worth it!
 
My previous problem with putting my son to sleep at night is kind of solved now. Now I don't need to carry him or rock him or sing to him when I want him to sleep (I did all these in the last 9 months and my son is now 10 months old.) What I do now, for your reference, are:-

(1) half an hour before his usual bedtime, 9pm, I set the light in the living room dim, play some light music and STOP playing with him completely. Sometimes if he is in the mood I will read a book with him (but most of the time he is too impatient with sitting down with me to read a book!)

(2) at 9pm, I take him to the bedroom and turn off all the light, shut the door then put him into his own cot, in which he plays by himself for about 10~20 minutes, i.e. pulling up, jumping up and down, rolling over, babbling, etc. until I guess he makes himself tired. I sat on my own bed (his cot is next to our bed) and don't make a sound.

(3) Then when he's ready for sleep he will stretch his arms wanting to be carried. Then I take him to my bed and kiss him goodnight and he will roll over for another 5~10 minutes and then fall into sleep.

As I said, since his birth I carried him and rocked and sang him to sleep and I never really tried to let him sleep by himself. In other word I didn't make this change purposely. What happened was: one evening he suddenly refused to be carried by me and struggled to go into his cot... after the third night I realised he wanted to play a bit in his own cot then roll a bit in my bed then sleep. Just happened so naturally~~~~

My son normally sleeps through the night but he sometimes, once a week on average may wake up in the middle of night crying with tears, or simply cry in sleep. I would lift him up and cuddle him back into sleep. I don't know the reason. As it doesn't happen often so I never try to find out why...
 
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OX Jess, it seems to have happened naturally for you which is great but what if it didnt, were you prepared to keep doing it?

My fear is that he cries for hours... i dont have it in me to deal with that.
 
As far as I remember my son had never cried for hours before bedtime. The longest one he cried before bedtime is 30 minutes, because I shut the door and refused to let him play more as it was already 10pm! So if he does cry that long for no reason I would certainly check if there's anything wrong with him (sick, tummy ache, wet nappy, etc). Therefore I have no concrete idea as to what I'd do if my son cries for hours before going to sleep... I guess I would try to find ways to settle him down first (whatever it is rocking / patting / singing...) then I will follow that pattern next time and set up a routine slowly. I think, different babies have different favourite sleeping pattern and you should find out what one suits your little one best. For example, before my son turned to fall asleep by himself, I realised that he can always quiet himself down when I play a certain folk song so I follow that pattern and it works well 9 out of 10. I don't think, a baby, if feeling cosy and secured, would cry for an hour long.

Sometimes, being too tired could be a reason why they can't settle themselves easily and cry for long. (I experienced it ONCE and it was really difficult to quiet him down!) Therefore, if possible, set your baby into sleepy mood before he gets really tired. Good luck and hope your baby is a good sleeper!
 
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OX Jess said:
he sometimes, once a week on average may wake up in the middle of night crying with tears, or simply cry in sleep. I would lift him up and cuddle him back into sleep. I don't know the reason. As it doesn't happen often so I never try to find out why...
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i've noticed that my bubba only cries in his sleep when his regular schedule gets messed up during the day or if i take him out to new places/activities.
 
my 4 month old hasn't really ever fallen asleep by herself...and it would be good to try and train that now, she falls asleep now on my breast and in my bed, very bad habit i know and one i would like to change, first step i am putting her in her cot a little each day, i need to get her to fall asleep not on my breast, i have reading the baby whisperer and it is very good but as much as i understand the principle, eat, activity, sleep, you, apart from the fact she doesn't sleep long periods in the day she would rather sleep during and after a feed, she is a sicky/windy baby so i also don't want to make her play afterwards as think this will make her sick even more i would have thought, sorry a few issues going on, any help ideas on how to correct some of these problems
 
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