Baby frightened of daddy
- Thread starter jeanyeeli
- Start date
M
MLBW
Guest
Your husband started hitting your baby? Um...is that why the baby is frightened?
M
MLBW
Guest
By "hit" do you mean "spank"--or like hitting across the face or something? And if he is hitting him out of frustration--even spanking that's not a good idea anyway.
Is your husband a bit stressed out in general? Like is he nervous around the baby? (How old is your baby?) Is he stressed out at work? Children can often pick up on the stress of adults and it also affects their moods. How does your husband approach the child? Is he gentle, happy, loving--giving the baby a safe feeling? What is the environment like in your home? All of these can affect how the baby reacts to his father. If your son is a particularly sensitive, he may be picky about the people he wants to be held by--if he only sees his father for a brief time every day he may view him as a stranger--as he gets older he may outgrow this--however getting angry at him and taking out frustration physically will only reinforce that fear--it is the adult's (your husband) responsibility to be in control of his emotions and actions--a baby can't do that yet--they don't have the ability.
Is your husband a bit stressed out in general? Like is he nervous around the baby? (How old is your baby?) Is he stressed out at work? Children can often pick up on the stress of adults and it also affects their moods. How does your husband approach the child? Is he gentle, happy, loving--giving the baby a safe feeling? What is the environment like in your home? All of these can affect how the baby reacts to his father. If your son is a particularly sensitive, he may be picky about the people he wants to be held by--if he only sees his father for a brief time every day he may view him as a stranger--as he gets older he may outgrow this--however getting angry at him and taking out frustration physically will only reinforce that fear--it is the adult's (your husband) responsibility to be in control of his emotions and actions--a baby can't do that yet--they don't have the ability.
Hi, jeanyeeli
Does he spend daddy-baby time alone? My son loooooooooves his daddy so much. He cannot stop smiling.
My husband always smile at him, gentle with him, talk to him with gentle soft voices......since our son was born. So they have a good bond. I always make sure they get quality daddy-son time alone.
Maybe you husband needs to change his attitude towards baby and he needs to know baby cries! That is a part of baby's job!
I cannot believe your husband hit baby. It is absolutely No-No!
If he does not stop, I am sure your baby will get more frihten of your husband and will not bond.
Sucellia
Does he spend daddy-baby time alone? My son loooooooooves his daddy so much. He cannot stop smiling.
My husband always smile at him, gentle with him, talk to him with gentle soft voices......since our son was born. So they have a good bond. I always make sure they get quality daddy-son time alone.
Maybe you husband needs to change his attitude towards baby and he needs to know baby cries! That is a part of baby's job!
I cannot believe your husband hit baby. It is absolutely No-No!
If he does not stop, I am sure your baby will get more frihten of your husband and will not bond.
Sucellia
I am not sure if this helps or not.
I am stay home mom so I spend a lot more time with our son than my husband. My husband absolutely loves our son but of course, being daddy is not easy thing to master. It is learning process.
So what I did was I always told him what our son and I did today, what made him laugh, what made him cry, what he liked, what kind of holding position he liked, what made him stop crying and etc every day. So my husband will know these little techniques/tips when he spend time with our son.
I also gave a lot of complements to my husband when he was doing great with our son. It made him feel more confident as daddy and he enjoyed spending time with baby.
One another thing I did was, inform my husband what to expect at each age/month. So my husband will know what our baby is like at 2 months, 3 months, 4 months......and so on.
Maybe you can do the same to help out your husband? Maybe he simply does not know what to do or how to do.
Sucellia
I am stay home mom so I spend a lot more time with our son than my husband. My husband absolutely loves our son but of course, being daddy is not easy thing to master. It is learning process.
So what I did was I always told him what our son and I did today, what made him laugh, what made him cry, what he liked, what kind of holding position he liked, what made him stop crying and etc every day. So my husband will know these little techniques/tips when he spend time with our son.
I also gave a lot of complements to my husband when he was doing great with our son. It made him feel more confident as daddy and he enjoyed spending time with baby.
One another thing I did was, inform my husband what to expect at each age/month. So my husband will know what our baby is like at 2 months, 3 months, 4 months......and so on.
Maybe you can do the same to help out your husband? Maybe he simply does not know what to do or how to do.
Sucellia
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elephantine
Registered User
Oh gosh - I feel badly for you and your baby. It is awful that your husband has started hitting your baby. Frankly, I think this is abusive behavior and you must protect your baby by getting your husband to stop it immediately and encouraging him to build loving bonds. If you don't stand up for your son, it is unlikely that anyone else will. I understand that your husband may be stressed about work or just have a stressed personality generally - which would explain why your poor baby doesn't like to be with him. However, stress is no excuse for hitting anyone - your husband should be accountable for his own conduct. If he doesn't listen to your advice, you could get family members to talk to him or even try to get professional help from a counsellor. I wish your family all the best!
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M
MLBW
Guest
Jean,
I have PMed you. For anyone else who is dealing with a family violence situation, here are a couple of links:
http://www.harmonyhousehk.org/eng/contactusimage/contactus_eng.htm
http://www.msubillings.edu/BusinessFaculty/Leonard/dsvs/
I have PMed you. For anyone else who is dealing with a family violence situation, here are a couple of links:
http://www.harmonyhousehk.org/eng/contactusimage/contactus_eng.htm
http://www.msubillings.edu/BusinessFaculty/Leonard/dsvs/
M
MLBW
Guest
Here is another good link:
Behind Closed Doors, The Impact of Domestic Violence on Children (UNICEF)
http://www.violencestudy.org/a504
And here you can plant a virtual daisy in support of ending violence in the home:
http://www.stopdomesticviolencenow.com/stop.html
Behind Closed Doors, The Impact of Domestic Violence on Children (UNICEF)
http://www.violencestudy.org/a504
And here you can plant a virtual daisy in support of ending violence in the home:
http://www.stopdomesticviolencenow.com/stop.html
carang
Registered User
DO NOT hit a baby!!! That is child abuse, especially if the child is only little and the ONLY method of communication is CRYING!!!
many children go through spells like this... sometimes only wanting mummy, sometimes only daddy, sometimes only helper....it's NORMAL!!!
tell hubby not to get frustrated by it! HITTING will not stop the behaviour, it will only hurt your child! HITTING will not stop the behaviour, it will only cause your child to be afraid of your husband! HITTING will not stop the behaviour, it will only cause your child to feel MORE insecure!
PLEASE DO NOT HIT A BABY!!!!
many children go through spells like this... sometimes only wanting mummy, sometimes only daddy, sometimes only helper....it's NORMAL!!!
tell hubby not to get frustrated by it! HITTING will not stop the behaviour, it will only hurt your child! HITTING will not stop the behaviour, it will only cause your child to be afraid of your husband! HITTING will not stop the behaviour, it will only cause your child to feel MORE insecure!
PLEASE DO NOT HIT A BABY!!!!
Jean,
You are obviously going through a tough time, but your number one priority MUST be to protect your baby. Hitting or any other form of violence against a baby is abuse and I'm not just talking morally here. It's a scientific fact that your baby is incapable of understanding what is going on and is just learning fear. It will have grave negative effects on him if it continues. A crying baby can fray on the nerves of the calmest person there is never any excuse for taking it out on the baby.
You've taken the first step by posting on the forum and have been given some sound advice and links. PLEASE PLEASE act on it.
You are obviously going through a tough time, but your number one priority MUST be to protect your baby. Hitting or any other form of violence against a baby is abuse and I'm not just talking morally here. It's a scientific fact that your baby is incapable of understanding what is going on and is just learning fear. It will have grave negative effects on him if it continues. A crying baby can fray on the nerves of the calmest person there is never any excuse for taking it out on the baby.
You've taken the first step by posting on the forum and have been given some sound advice and links. PLEASE PLEASE act on it.
I'm not surprised your baby doesn't like his father if he resorts to hitting him. That's absolutely appalling and if he's doing it at 4 months what will he do when the baby is older?
I'm positively outraged and speechless. Babies are very clever. Even if this was the first time that your husband hit the baby it is highly likely that your baby knows what sort of man your husband is (bad-tempered and violent) and has responded accordingly.
This is really sad. I hope you are strong enough to deal with your husband for your baby's sake. Your baby will never grow to love him if this is how he is treated at 4 months of age.
I'm positively outraged and speechless. Babies are very clever. Even if this was the first time that your husband hit the baby it is highly likely that your baby knows what sort of man your husband is (bad-tempered and violent) and has responded accordingly.
This is really sad. I hope you are strong enough to deal with your husband for your baby's sake. Your baby will never grow to love him if this is how he is treated at 4 months of age.
Hi Jean - Honestly, your post sent shivers down my spine. I am not judging you or anyone else, but I need to reiterate what has been said already by others here: You are the mother and you really have a responsibility to protect your child against in this case someone who happens to be his father. I am no expert but I know for a fact that hitting a 4month old (or any infant/child for that matter) will only have long-lasting hugely damaging effects and create an insecure, unstable child growing up. ESPECIALLY when the child is so young and not capable of understanding at all WHY he is being hit. As for your original question - how do you stop your child from crying when dad tries to hold him, well goodness, one crucial first step would be to make sure dad doesn't HIT him anymore!!! I guarantee you that if he continues to abuse his infant, this child will never ever take well to him (and who could blame him). Babies are ultra-sensitive. They can sense stress and that can cause them to not want to be with a person. If they are HIT by the same person, well, imagine how scared they would be whenever they sense that person approaching. Please take action and do not stand idly by. Your son needs you. You are his mother. Best of luck - my thoughts are with you.
when my baby was newborn, she cried every time i held her, except when i was nursing her. any other time, she'd cry. it used to frustrtate me a lot, and i think for the first 3 mths, i didn't hold her at all, except when she was nursing. my husband said i was very tensed & nervous when i held her, and my baby picked up the stress from me. (i was suffering from post-partum depression, so i must have bn very stressed out). eventually when i made a conscious effort to relax before holding my baby, she stopped crying when i held her. so i guess maybe your husband is generally stressed & your baby picks it up. some babies are more sensitive than others in picking up emotions.
pls talk to your husband gently about trying to relax (like watching a funny tv show or obeserving his own breath for a few minutes) before he holds you son. and pls remind him that a 3mth old is fragile in every way, his bones can be easily broken, skin easily bruised, brain easily shaken, so please don't hurt him. stay around when he's holding him, take over once baby starts gettng tensed & cry. let your husband know that eventually he'll be able to hold him. maybe put baby on the floor, on a blanket, both of you sit next to baby & coo with him, so that your husband is feeling that they're bonding too.
good luck!
pls talk to your husband gently about trying to relax (like watching a funny tv show or obeserving his own breath for a few minutes) before he holds you son. and pls remind him that a 3mth old is fragile in every way, his bones can be easily broken, skin easily bruised, brain easily shaken, so please don't hurt him. stay around when he's holding him, take over once baby starts gettng tensed & cry. let your husband know that eventually he'll be able to hold him. maybe put baby on the floor, on a blanket, both of you sit next to baby & coo with him, so that your husband is feeling that they're bonding too.
good luck!
Jeanyeeli, are you for real?!?!? I haven't posted on this site for a long time, but seeing your post I feel I must now, I am so enraged!! Your husband sounds like he has a screw loose, how can anyone in their right mind hit a baby, bruise a helpless, defenceless 4 month old baby. Surely he understands that your son, isnt purposely trying to upset him. He is only a baby!!!! You as a mother need to protect your son against this abuse, yes abuse.....the chances are it will happen again. If I was you, I would threaten him with the police/authorities if he doesn't start acting like a loving, caring protective Father and follow through your threat if this ever happens again.
MilkMonster
Registered User
I think its important to remember that men also go through postpartum depression and stress related to the change a baby brings. I am not saying what he did is ok, it's definitely not and I agree with the other posters that you have to put an end to the hitting immediately. My youngest son is 5mths and he still cries a lot...one and off for a few hours and it's very very hard to deal with. If your husband has never been around babies he will not know what to expect and how to interact with your baby. It is up to you to lead the way!! Maybe you can try taking the baby away BEFORE he starts crying or just when you can see the frustration on your husband's face. Also important to tell your husband, usually when they get home, that is the crankiest time for babies. They are tired from the day and all they want is mommy. This is really normal. Even my toddler is like this and won't let my husband put him to bed and he LOVES his dad. Does your husband have any friends who are also dads? Maybe it would help if he could talk to another dad to vent his feelings.
MilkMonster
Registered User
the other thing I forgot to mention, babies can get scared very easily. Our elder son used to cry whenever my brother-in-law spoke (even at 7mths he was like this) because his voice was really deep and loud. Try asking your husband to speak a few octaves higher and soften his tone.