baby doesn't want helper! I am worried.

C

cutebear

Registered User
I might be too sensitive but as a first time mother, I think I need to be more careful. My boy is 10 months old and he started to cry every time I hand him over to the helper. I am a staying home mother but the helper also spent a lot of time with the baby as I do all of the shopping and cooking. At first, I thought it is due to separation anxiety because the baby really liked to play with the helper when he was much younger. Then at seven months, i started to ask the helper to get up at night to take care of the baby. She couldn't really wake up most of the time (ie I have to wake her up, even though we both have a baby monitor). Anyway, now she sometimes complains about baby doesn't want to go back to bed for two hours at night. I took care of my baby at night for the first seven months. I tried to ask her to take naps during the day but she said she couldn't sleep during the day. I now suspect that she might be treating baby differently when I am not around because baby really doesn't want her. I can give baby to my security guard downstairs but when I give him to my helper, he cries and hangs onto me. Should I be worried that my helper might be treating the baby bad because she thinks she can't sleep as much because of my baby? I now only ask her to get up once during the night but baby still doesn't want her most of the time. The only way I can give him to her is to put him down on the floor or in his bed and leave, so she can't actually pick him up.
What are your opinions? Maybe my baby is just too attached to me? I have heard so many ppl said to me that the baby is too attached to their helper but I am having the opposite problem and I am worried. Not sure if this is normal or it is really my helper that I should be watching out for? Is it worth is to have a Webcam installed? Where do I get one and how do I register for something like that?
 
perhaps if you don't have a great gut feeling about your helper's behaviour and she is not meeting your expectations (i.e. helping you out at night to let you sleep, having good rapport with your child) then it might be time to look for a replacement without the need to install cameras etc.
 
It is hard to comment on possible abuse without knowing more and observing.

I will say that my children want ME and no-one else, Daddy or helper to do EVERYTHING for them and do not like it any other way. Baby may very well not like someone else seeing to him during the night and this may be the issue.

What hours is your helper doing if she is getting up during the night? Also think of why you asked your helper to get up during the night -- sleep depreviation changes your mood and baby can pick up on this too. Maybe she needs to start work at 10 or 11am so that she can get some sleep once baby is up for the day. I know I could never sleep during the day and one of my children has never slept through the night.

I feel like a different person now that she is!
 
If I were you, I'd take over the night time duty and see if that makes any improvement. You're a SAHM anyway so you can just as easily nap during the day if you need to. Possibly her mood is affected by the lack of sleep and the baby is picking up on it...

It could be separation anxiety as well. Maybe the bub knows that if you hand her to the security guard, you're not going to go off and leave him for an hour - but maybe he thinks that when you hand her to the helper, you might do that.

Do you get much 1 on 1 time with the bub? Maybe take him out without the helper, I don't know if you do or don't - but it'd be good for him... maybe it might help too...

Trust your gut, but also don't jump to conclusions...
 
My son has been rejecting his own father lately...this is a different thread for a different day, and although mine is older, yours still could be going through a kind of separation anxiety. I know for sure my husband is not doing anything wrong to my son, unless `wrong` means how Mama does it.
I agree with nicolejoy that you should take over the night time duty with your baby, especially since you are a SAHM.
It is quite possible that your helper is less than sugar at 3am when baby won`t go back to sleep - but so am I:)
If you really doubt your helper, and you have the guts, then I would just install a camera in the baby`s room.
Try taking over night time duty again and see how your baby reacts to the helper. If there is still that kind of refusal or fear, I would definitely think about the camera or really investigating the reason.
 
Yeah, I think I might as well be the one up at night, because the only one time that she get up, I have to wake her up anyways. And she always forget the milk, so I ended up making the formula and then secretly hand over through the door over to her, so she can feed the baby. Anyway at the end, I am totally awake.
She goes to bed at 10pm because I would take care of the baby up until 4am. Baby wakes up once at 4am then maybe wakes up at 7am in the morning. So if she sleeps at 10pm, she should have enough sleep, but I was stupid and provide her with a TV and DVD player (that was before I asked her to take the night duty though). Obviously I can't take them away now or ask her not to watch DVDs because its her own time and in her own room.
I don't know if she is doing a good job. She gave me some really bad attitude before when I asked her to do something but she explained it's because I compared her with other helpers. Anyway, she seems to care about my baby at least when I am around. But she also refused to sleep in the baby room (I asked her once before when the weather was cold and her room was cold). She said she wants her own space which is reasonable but I thought she was complaining that her room was too cold and we do have a heater in the baby room.
The agent said I spoiled her, so she is not doing what a good helper would do. But I never had helper before so I don't know what to expect or how to treat her.
I am also afraid if I change the helper, the next one might be even worse.
 
Also baby doesn't refuse Daddy. I can hand over him to Daddy even though Daddy only sees him during the weekend.
 
I want to think that he is just really smart already know who his parents are and just doesn't like the helper? Because he will play with her as long as I am holding him.
 
I am experiencing a similar problem with my helper, in that my toddler (2 year old) is really not attached to her at all.

I work part-time two days a week so while I am the one who spends the most time with my son, my helper still has one-on-one time with him two days a week to bond with him. Yet even after one year, I still see that she is not good with him. She is quite a low-energy person (even though i do all the night-time duty with him and she's never asked to do anything for him bet the hours of 9 pm and 7 am) and it is obvious she does not enjoy playing with him (and vice versa). I think in her own way, she is (tepidly) fond of my son but she can't seem to muster up the energy or enthusiasm to be with him (it is really obvious, even to friends who visit).

My other prob is that her low energy (?) lack of enthusiasm(?) makes her quite slow to think and react and as a result, my son has sustained two serious incidents (one resulting in six stitches to his forehead) in the past year while in her care. She even told me once that she found taking care of my son "stressful" (even though she really only has to do it 2days a week!)

After a lot of angst and soul-searching, I've decided to replace her as I really want to find someone who genuinely cares for and enjoys my son -and vice versa. Even though she is not primary caregiver, I still want to find someone who can bond well with my child.
 
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there is no need to jump to any conclusions on behaviour when you're not around, babies pick and choose who they bond with. my two (aged 3 and 1) have always blown hot and cold with daddy and with our second helper (who is energetic, caring and attentive to them, but doesn't do any night duties).

like peainpod, you have to decide what you want and whether this lady meets those expectations. hard to say from just a few posts but I'm guessing she doesn't. there are lot of great helpers there and you sholdn't feel tied to who you have just because you might get someone worse (not that anyone can guarantee that won't happen unfortunately). it seems you treat her well and respect her with her time, space and workload so are totally delivering your side of the deal...
 
install a webcam in the living room and baby room.
I need to work but i also do the night shift as i want the helper to be well rested in the day time. You can call this no. to buy webcam. they will come and install it in the best position - 25551830. cost around 1,600 for one - no computer required.
 
peainpod, i would have changed helpers in a flash if my child was involved in 2 accidents under her care - having someone who genuinely cares and loves your child is very important for a child's upbringing - just make sure you can speak to the new helper's employer first to make sure she has kids - younger helper will generally have more energy and enthusiasm. my 4mth old loves the maid to bits and i get abit jealous but at least it means she loves my baby which is more important.
 
It's not worth worrying about. You need to get another helper. Your baby is consistently fine going to others but not her, so trust him. It may be due to a myriad of things, innocent or not, but the only thing that matters is that the baby is safe and that you're satisfied with that. If something happens, you won't be able to forgive yourself. Paranoid? Maybe. But why take the risk?

And when you get the new helper, you should make sure the workload is appropriate. Dealing with a baby is not rocket-science, but it is tiring. You can't expect a non-relative to treat a baby well if they're exhausted. I know I can be a danger to my kids when I'm exhausted. So if you want her to do part of the night, let her sleep in. Also, I know that lots of helpers don't feel like they're off-duty during the day and they can't really relax enough to get rested. So I've told mine that they are definitely off duty at certain hours and if for some reason they're needed, I would give them notice the day before. And I explain to them that I do this so they can get rested and be ready for when I need them. Of course, all this has to be laid out before you hire them and again on the start date.

Good luck!
 
Same here... trust your baby's instincts. I was once at an agent waiting to pickup my new helper and another couple had exactly the same problem. The baby cried immediately the helper held him in her arms and stopped as soon as the mother or a stranger picked him up. Something very fishy!!! They later found out the helper sometimes would fall asleep on the sofa, not sure where the baby was at that time though. Also I have seen videos of Filipino maids dropping the baby very hard on the sofa is the baby keeps crying, afterwhich you cannot see any physical signs.

I believe for the safety of your baby, get a replacement maid.
 
i also have never asked my helper to take care of either of my two kids during the night, even when my husband is away for work. because i do go out sometimes during the day and need her to take care of one of them for me (i usually take one of them out and leave one behind), i know that she needs her energy in order to take care of my children during the day AND complete what she needs to do around the house. helpers are people too and waking up at 4am every day is exhausting. assuming she falls asleep no later than 10pm and assuming she sleeps soundly til 4am, that is really only 6 hours of sleep a day. i know i can go on 6 hours but after a few days of no more than 6 hours of sleep a day, i get pretty tired and irritable. and we mommies are sorta fueled by the some sort of adrenalin, aren't we, which keeps us going and gives us the energy to deal with our children in spite of sleep deprivation. your helper is NOT your child's mom and you shouldn't expect her to feel this same natural maternal energy.

bottom line - don't expect any person to be a great caretaker for your kids if they don't get enough sleep. since you're a SAHM i would echo what has been said already - take care of your own child at night. but because your current helper is already not in your baby's good books, you probably should let her go and find a new lady who can have a fresh start with your little one.
 
Agree with zac08. Even when it sounds the same to you (waking up for 2 hours during night time, and taking 2 hours of date time to rest), it is not the same.

I, for example, hate it at work when they sometime ask us to stay late, even when that also means coming late, cause that is not our supposed working hour. They may say, come 2 hours late, but because of my internal clock, I would be up at my regular time. And coming home 2 hours late from work, really can make lot of difference in long term.
 
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