My baby is 3 months old and she is getting so attached to the helper that she won't let other people hold her when she feels sleepy. As a Mom, I feel very bad. I am full time at home to take care of her. But she is still attached to the helper. Does anyone has the same experience? I am going back to work next week. I m afraid this is going to get worse. When will she tell who is her mother?
Baby and Domestic Helper
- Thread starter lamich
- Start date
same for me. luckily my baby is already 15 mths now. for the 1st 4 mths, she would scream when i carry her, even though she was exclusively breastfed. it was so sad. my husband said i was very tense everytime i carried her, so maybe she sensed it. i had a lot of breast problems for the 1st few mths. eventually my breast problems were solved, i was less tense, and she let me carry her. but still she only wants helper when she sleeps. but after the 5th mth, she gradually were closer to me. by the time she was older than 6 mths, she definitely knew who's her mom & dad. when my baby was 5 mths old, nanny had family problems & went home for 10 days, it took baby 3 days to get used to me putting her to sleep.
your baby must be a very sensitive person.
well, i gotta go now, i'll write later & suggest sth for u 2 do.
your baby must be a very sensitive person.
well, i gotta go now, i'll write later & suggest sth for u 2 do.
after that 10 days, baby was obviously closer to me, but she still prefers to let helper to put her to sleep. as i spend more time playing w/ her, she shows more affection towards me. but the down side is- even as i turned my back, she'd start screaming. so i had to tell her i was just going potty (etc) and will be back very soon (& i always keep my promise). i am a stay home mom & it obviously helps. as for my husband, he has to work, and the more time he spends w/ her before & after work, the closer she is to him. for several days he was late coming back & didn't spend much time playing w/ her, in the morning, she wouldn't hug him.
so what i'm trying to say is, i had the same problem when baby was small, and i was upset & worried & depressed. as she grows older, she show obvious signs that she knows i'm mom. she has a bond w/ me that is different than w/ nanny, although she shows much affection towards her too. if u spend quality time w/ her, one on one time during the weekends, before/ after work, i'm sure you baby''ll be close to u too. it's just that she doesn't want u to put her to sleep. but think of it this way, u'd be able to able to go out when you NEED to & not worry that u have to spend hours putting her to sleep. i still make sure that i'm home EVERYDAY during her nightime routine - bath, milk, & a little bedtime mellow play. but i'd be able to leave when she's ready to sleep & not worry that I'll be so late for my dinners. I know a lot of moms who has your problem, but they all told me that in the end, baby knows who mom is.
and remember, you are her mom for life, nanny is only gonna be there for severals years. you have a love for her that no one else has (maybe except dad, but i think moms love their children differently than dads. sorry, dads!) and she can feel it.:bighug
so what i'm trying to say is, i had the same problem when baby was small, and i was upset & worried & depressed. as she grows older, she show obvious signs that she knows i'm mom. she has a bond w/ me that is different than w/ nanny, although she shows much affection towards her too. if u spend quality time w/ her, one on one time during the weekends, before/ after work, i'm sure you baby''ll be close to u too. it's just that she doesn't want u to put her to sleep. but think of it this way, u'd be able to able to go out when you NEED to & not worry that u have to spend hours putting her to sleep. i still make sure that i'm home EVERYDAY during her nightime routine - bath, milk, & a little bedtime mellow play. but i'd be able to leave when she's ready to sleep & not worry that I'll be so late for my dinners. I know a lot of moms who has your problem, but they all told me that in the end, baby knows who mom is.
and remember, you are her mom for life, nanny is only gonna be there for severals years. you have a love for her that no one else has (maybe except dad, but i think moms love their children differently than dads. sorry, dads!) and she can feel it.:bighug
one more thing, i read this book "what's going on in there? baby's first 5 yrs". author said that baby has been in mom's tummy for 9 mths, she recognises mom's smell, esp. underarm & neck odor. that's how they tell their moms apart from other women before their eye-sight is good. yeah, your baby knows for sure that you are the mother. just that maybe helper carries her more comfortably, cos she's not as anxious as you are.
This must be really hard. It's one of the reasons I'm glad we don't have a helper and I can be at home full time. It is a blessing to be able to do that and I know not everyone can.
Although it's difficult now, your baby will definitely know who Mommy is as she gets older and you will be the light of her life!! Nobody can replace Mommy!
HKAussie
Although it's difficult now, your baby will definitely know who Mommy is as she gets older and you will be the light of her life!! Nobody can replace Mommy!
HKAussie
Hi,
I have a strange story to tell about the nanny and the baby relationship. Please bear in mind that this doesn't happen to everyone at all.
I had similar situation as icecube and people told me that it was a blessing since my baby was happy and safe with the nanny. So I was relieved in knowing that. However, one day, a neighbor had called me and told me what she heard from her nanny. My nanny told her nanny that she wanted to move to Canada with us in 6 years. So she was using every means to proof to me and my hubby that my baby needed her without a doubt. I had asked to speak to the nanny of my neighbor. And it was true!
So one night, I was talking casually with my nanny (trying to grill the words from her or just to verify the conversation) to see what her plan was after the 2 years contract with us. Then she was spilling her guts in telling me of how much she loved working for us and how much she wanted to go wherever we wanted to go. Then I told her that we wouldn't be leaving at all now since my hubby had a change of plan. Suddenly, her face just shut down and she was speechless.
After that night of talk, she was in no mind of working for us anymore. And I noticed that my daughter was pulling away from her but didn't know why. She didn't jump the first instance the baby cried. Then after her 1 year of contract, she told me that she would want to go back to Philippines to attend to her parents. We gave her the opportunities and she never returned to us at all (even though she promised that she would come back.) We later saw her in Central on Sunday but I guess she is now working for another employer with the possibilities of moving oversea.
ChipMama
I have a strange story to tell about the nanny and the baby relationship. Please bear in mind that this doesn't happen to everyone at all.
I had similar situation as icecube and people told me that it was a blessing since my baby was happy and safe with the nanny. So I was relieved in knowing that. However, one day, a neighbor had called me and told me what she heard from her nanny. My nanny told her nanny that she wanted to move to Canada with us in 6 years. So she was using every means to proof to me and my hubby that my baby needed her without a doubt. I had asked to speak to the nanny of my neighbor. And it was true!
So one night, I was talking casually with my nanny (trying to grill the words from her or just to verify the conversation) to see what her plan was after the 2 years contract with us. Then she was spilling her guts in telling me of how much she loved working for us and how much she wanted to go wherever we wanted to go. Then I told her that we wouldn't be leaving at all now since my hubby had a change of plan. Suddenly, her face just shut down and she was speechless.
After that night of talk, she was in no mind of working for us anymore. And I noticed that my daughter was pulling away from her but didn't know why. She didn't jump the first instance the baby cried. Then after her 1 year of contract, she told me that she would want to go back to Philippines to attend to her parents. We gave her the opportunities and she never returned to us at all (even though she promised that she would come back.) We later saw her in Central on Sunday but I guess she is now working for another employer with the possibilities of moving oversea.
ChipMama
Hi all
My hubby is Chinese grew up in Philippines so we are fortunate that we know a bit more about the DH's mindsets than most employers. It is true that a lot of DH want to use HK as a stepping stone to western countries. Some work here to find a husband. Somehow Filippinos love everything American and they would take Canada and any other English speaking countries as their second best option. My brother hired a DH who confessed that she worked for him only because she needed the experience to make a nice CV so she could increase chances of getting a job in Australia.
Having said that, there are many others who simply want to make more money so they can support their families and parents. Despite the few bad apples, there are many loyal, caring and hard working Filipino DH who enjoy taking care of children. You just need to be careful in the selection process -- referencing checking is a must, and try to talk to the prospect DH yourself, rather than relying on the agent to chose for you.
I personally find DH who never worked outside Philippines more innocent and easy-going. But if you do hire one who is first time away from home, you will have to pay attention to her emotions and needs. She'll feel it and appreciate you, and in turn give it back by being good to your baby. If you could, hire direct so the DH don't have to pay a ridiculously high fee -- she'll be forever thankful to you.
My hubby is Chinese grew up in Philippines so we are fortunate that we know a bit more about the DH's mindsets than most employers. It is true that a lot of DH want to use HK as a stepping stone to western countries. Some work here to find a husband. Somehow Filippinos love everything American and they would take Canada and any other English speaking countries as their second best option. My brother hired a DH who confessed that she worked for him only because she needed the experience to make a nice CV so she could increase chances of getting a job in Australia.
Having said that, there are many others who simply want to make more money so they can support their families and parents. Despite the few bad apples, there are many loyal, caring and hard working Filipino DH who enjoy taking care of children. You just need to be careful in the selection process -- referencing checking is a must, and try to talk to the prospect DH yourself, rather than relying on the agent to chose for you.
I personally find DH who never worked outside Philippines more innocent and easy-going. But if you do hire one who is first time away from home, you will have to pay attention to her emotions and needs. She'll feel it and appreciate you, and in turn give it back by being good to your baby. If you could, hire direct so the DH don't have to pay a ridiculously high fee -- she'll be forever thankful to you.
re baby cry when mommy hold issue... when I shifted from breastfeed to bottle, there was a short period of time (a couple weeks) when my little one would struggle and cry whenever I held him. I figured it was because he could smell my milk but very frustrated when he couldn't have it. After around 2 weeks when he got the message that his milk was from bottle not mommy, the condition improved and he let me held him.
I may have interpreted this wrong, but...I always find that my helper is more successful at putting my daughter to sleep than me. After that, my husband comes close. Ever since I stopped nursing her to sleep, I have asked someone else to put her down as she cries and cries if I do it. I told myself that she was more attached to me and didn't want to let go, or would want to nurse.
At other times, my LO does sometimes express a preference for the helper, but it is the exception rather than the norm. I try not to let it bother me.
I've also noticed that our helper keeps a certain distance in that she won't hug or kiss my daugther - at least not in my presence. I think that's a good distinction to keep.
At other times, my LO does sometimes express a preference for the helper, but it is the exception rather than the norm. I try not to let it bother me.
I've also noticed that our helper keeps a certain distance in that she won't hug or kiss my daugther - at least not in my presence. I think that's a good distinction to keep.
carang
Registered User
personally, i think the more hugs and kisses the better, so long as there's nothing inappropriate.
my biggest fear was always that my children would prefer my helper to me.there have been the odd ocassions that my son has run to my helper instead of me, but they are few and far between.
when i expressed concern to my mother, her reply was, "isn't he lucky that he has so many people that love him and care for him? aren't you lucky to know that he is in good, loving hands when you are not around?"
my current pregnancy has been so awful, that i honestly don't know how we could have coped without our helper. she has been a godsend. having been in and out of hospital 7 times now, it is so comforting to know that my son is at home with someone he feels he can count on, and someone i KNOW I CAN count on.
try to look at it as the cup is half full, rather than half empty. your children will know who their parents are. and when it comes down to the crunch they will want you and no one else.
my biggest fear was always that my children would prefer my helper to me.there have been the odd ocassions that my son has run to my helper instead of me, but they are few and far between.
when i expressed concern to my mother, her reply was, "isn't he lucky that he has so many people that love him and care for him? aren't you lucky to know that he is in good, loving hands when you are not around?"
my current pregnancy has been so awful, that i honestly don't know how we could have coped without our helper. she has been a godsend. having been in and out of hospital 7 times now, it is so comforting to know that my son is at home with someone he feels he can count on, and someone i KNOW I CAN count on.
try to look at it as the cup is half full, rather than half empty. your children will know who their parents are. and when it comes down to the crunch they will want you and no one else.
There is a reason why many DH would prefer to work in Canada, the States etc.
My family's helper has recently found a new job in Canada, something my Mum encouraged and helped her with (with only my Mum at home she has no need for a full time helper anymore).
Her salary in Canada will be HK$11,000 a month- more than triple the minimum wage in Hong Kong, and under Canadian law she can only be employed to look after her employer's children, she is not allowed to work as a 'domestic helper.' DH in Canada thus earn much more and are not expected to run entire households, as they often are here. Not only that but after x number of yrs of working in Canada our DH will be entitled to similar rights as Canadian citizens and then will be able to send her daughter to a Canadian university and pay residents tuition fees rather than overseas fees.
DH may be so desperate to work in western countries, because western governments ensure that they are paid a fair wage for the work they do (unlike the hong kong govt.) and ensures that they are protected with regards to the exact work they can do.
My family's helper has recently found a new job in Canada, something my Mum encouraged and helped her with (with only my Mum at home she has no need for a full time helper anymore).
Her salary in Canada will be HK$11,000 a month- more than triple the minimum wage in Hong Kong, and under Canadian law she can only be employed to look after her employer's children, she is not allowed to work as a 'domestic helper.' DH in Canada thus earn much more and are not expected to run entire households, as they often are here. Not only that but after x number of yrs of working in Canada our DH will be entitled to similar rights as Canadian citizens and then will be able to send her daughter to a Canadian university and pay residents tuition fees rather than overseas fees.
DH may be so desperate to work in western countries, because western governments ensure that they are paid a fair wage for the work they do (unlike the hong kong govt.) and ensures that they are protected with regards to the exact work they can do.
Bekyboo44's right about the wages and work condition in western countries. I think another reason why DH like the west is because they can bring the whole family there once they earn their permanent residence status. Filippinos are desperate to get out of their country. They see the west as 'better future' for their family and next generation.
The ones who intend to return to Philippines eventually prefers HK because HK employers are generally less abusive (both verbal and physical) though there are isolated cases of moms hurting DH with irons (my friends in Malaysia told me these type of incidents happen all the time in Singapore!). And because HK families are usually small with tiny flats (not house) and cars (unlike in Singapore/Malaysia where a family would have 2 or 3, even 4 cars), the workload is much lower comparing to some other asian countries. And when it comes to wages, I believe HK is paying the most too!
The ones who intend to return to Philippines eventually prefers HK because HK employers are generally less abusive (both verbal and physical) though there are isolated cases of moms hurting DH with irons (my friends in Malaysia told me these type of incidents happen all the time in Singapore!). And because HK families are usually small with tiny flats (not house) and cars (unlike in Singapore/Malaysia where a family would have 2 or 3, even 4 cars), the workload is much lower comparing to some other asian countries. And when it comes to wages, I believe HK is paying the most too!
re: baby crying & mama-helper issues.
Because I was worried about my babies becoming over-attached to the helper and not being able to be soothed by me at night, I took care of the baby at night, even when I went back to work at the end of maternity leave.
The exception was on Friday nights after I was no longer giving her breast feeds in the wee hours. That became my special night to sleep well & sleep-in in the mornings.
That said, there were some times w/ bb no.2 (who was rather fussy) that I would be up w/ him from 2am to 4:30am & then knock on my helper's door and say "please take the baby while I catch 2 more hours before work".
One of the reasons I was concerned about this was a friend of mine had an older brother who was mostly looked after by a nanny from the time he was born until he was about 2 years old. Then he got very sick & his mama had to take him to a different country for treatment. She could not soothe him & comfort him and put him to sleep well, because he was not used to her ding it and because he was *so* attached to the nanny.
I was afraid that my kids would wake up crying in the night & not call for me, but call for the helper.
But, it was really hard work and very exhausting (work & baby care at night) for a few years.
But, now that the kids are older ( eight and ten) I am so glad that I did. I think it was really worth it.
Because I was worried about my babies becoming over-attached to the helper and not being able to be soothed by me at night, I took care of the baby at night, even when I went back to work at the end of maternity leave.
The exception was on Friday nights after I was no longer giving her breast feeds in the wee hours. That became my special night to sleep well & sleep-in in the mornings.
That said, there were some times w/ bb no.2 (who was rather fussy) that I would be up w/ him from 2am to 4:30am & then knock on my helper's door and say "please take the baby while I catch 2 more hours before work".
One of the reasons I was concerned about this was a friend of mine had an older brother who was mostly looked after by a nanny from the time he was born until he was about 2 years old. Then he got very sick & his mama had to take him to a different country for treatment. She could not soothe him & comfort him and put him to sleep well, because he was not used to her ding it and because he was *so* attached to the nanny.
I was afraid that my kids would wake up crying in the night & not call for me, but call for the helper.
But, it was really hard work and very exhausting (work & baby care at night) for a few years.
But, now that the kids are older ( eight and ten) I am so glad that I did. I think it was really worth it.
funnychamp
Registered User
I understand how frustasing sometimes, we just don't have many choice as we have to go to work and leave the baby with the helper..