any moms managing without a helper?

B

bbc mom

Registered User
I am currently a stay-at-home mom to my 20mth old son. I've never had a domestic helper before but wondering whether I will need one if baby no.2 comes along or can I do it alone. Are there any moms coping well looking after 2 kids by themselves? I'm not sure if I can simultaneously cope with a newborn as well as taking my son to kindergarten, shopping with both kids, doctor's appointments, public transport etc.

My parents live overseas, and my in-laws are in HK for only a few months of the year and they are not in the best of health so I cannot expect any help from them. It also doesn't help that my MIL boasts she looked after 3 young kids all by herself, so I do feel quite inadequate.

Personally I'm not too eager to have a live-in helper since we like our privacy and we only live in a small 2 bedroom flat. Is it bad to expect the helper to share a room with my son? On the other hand, hiring a part-time helper would probably end up costing more. Any thoughts would be much appreciated.
 
I have a helper, but there were a window of over 6 months when I didn't have one. Sending the older kid to nursery school helps a great deal, so that you can have half a day looking after just one kid, and for the other half, you can hire part time if necessary.
 
BBC Mom, it's true that many women have more than one child and manage quite well but most of them have family they can call on for help. So if anyone says or implies that you are lazy or not a good mother etc for wanting a helper you shouldn't worry about it. Most of us women on this forum are in the same boat. We are foreigners with no support network in place and it can be tough.

Personally I couldn't imagine being without a helper in Hong Kong. It simply isn't a place that is set up for mums with prams! Doing anything seems to take forever and you can go mad trying to find a way up to places you need to go (shops, doctors whatever) that allow you to take your pram. We're about to have a second baby too and I hate to think how much harder it will be to get around when I am with the kids by myself.

You'll be surprised how quickly you get used to having someone live with you. We're lucky that our helper stays with friends on weekends so we have time to just be together as a family.

My only real concern for you is that two bedrooms is not a lot of space for 5 people to live in. I know that many helpers share rooms but it can't be ideal for anyone.

Maybe you just need a part-time helper for a few half days each week so you can go out and do what you need to do without the kids?
 
When I arrived in Hong Kong with an 18 month old and 6 months pregnant, I was adamant that I wasn't going to have a helper. My husband evntually wore me down and it was one of the best decisions I have made since moving here. Yes you can do it without a helper, but why should you? Your mother-in-law is not a better mother than you because she had to struggle with three kids and spend time doing the house work- shopping, running errands, doing the dishes, cooking, cleaning, ironing etc. etc., instead of spending that time with her kids. With a helper you can spend more time with your kids and that to me is priceless.

I can manage to walk everywhere, but I choose to take advantage of public transport, I could make my own clothes, but I choose to buy them in a shop, I probably could cut my own hair if I tried, but I choose to use a hairdressers (much to the delight of my husband, I'm sure). There are lots of things in life that we could do ourselves, but we choose to use the expertise of others. So why not use the opportunity to give some of the responsibility for looking after the day to day household chores to someone else, so you can spend more time with your kids-they are only little for a very short space of time-our eldest is already nearly five and I can remember the day he was born like it was yesterday.

Also remember, in terms of your mother-in-law, there is a little thing called tricks of memory and I bet if you pressed her a little, she would admit that it wasn't quite as rosey as she is making it out to be.
 
I have 2 children and a helper, with a 3rd (child, not helper) on the way. We have a reasonable amount of space, but I still cannot get used to having someone around the house all of the time.

I have spent quite a bit of time without full-time help since we moved here (both between helpers and when our helper is back in the Philippines, which is quite often). I have often used agency help during these periods. It has worked out just fine. The only downside is that you need to be very organised about babysitting. It means that you need to book one child's activities while the other is at school or on a Saturday when your husband is around. You cannot pop out for an impromptu dinner with your husband etc.

We are trying to work out if we can get away without live-in help with 3 children. I think that we can, my husband is not so sure. It would be more expensive, using Rent-a-Mum for babysitting and Sparkles or someone for cleaning, but I think it would be worth it for the privacy.

It's a very personal choice. If we had creches in HK, I'd never consider live-in help, but unfortunately, we don't. I have no intention of terminating our helper, but may not renew when her contract is up. Some people take to having live-in help like a duck to water, unfortunately, I'm just not one of those people.
 
Hi there,
I have a 4 month old and although my husband suggested we hire a helper when I got pregnant, I thought we wouldn't need one. If my mom could do it, why couldn't I and all that...

However, I have just hired a helper. The biggest reasons for me are cooking and babysitting and the fact that my husband is sometimes gone for 3 nights at a time, a couple of times a month. Since we have no family here in HK and most of our friends have their own helper, it's difficult to find a babysitter. The professional ones are quite expensive. As with any young baby, we are finding it difficult to cook healthy meals at night as we are tired by then. So we get takeaway which is expensive and not healthy. My mom is totally supportive, saying if she could have had a helper, she would have jumped at the chance. So I'll just enjoy having help while I can. And we are thinking about having a second baby, so all the more reason for some help!
 
life in hk is different than in other countries. if you live overseas, you have a large house, you'll have a car where you can put your babies in car seats & drive anywhere, can easily find babysitters, have washer/dryers, dishwashing machines, not so much pollution, so you don't need to vacuum every other day. with these goodies living out of hk makes it easier not having a DH.

living in a small space sure makes you wonder where you can let helper sleep. maybe you can ask your agent?
 
I like this comment by Jools.

'Also remember, in terms of your mother-in-law, there is a little thing called tricks of memory and I bet if you pressed her a little, she would admit that it wasn't quite as rosey as she is making it out to be.'

My mother in law was the same. I did it tough in Sydney for awhile with a new baby, no family around, no friends because i'd just moved there and a husband that travelled a lot for business leaving me for days at a time by myself. I used to joke to him that the only person I spoke to each day was the guy serving me coffee! (oh and i ran a business from home) When my mother in law would hear that by the evening i was too tired to cook she'd act like i was the worst mother in the world. She'd say that she never had help but always managed to put a meal on the table. Firstly, she did have help. She had people to do all the cleaning and all the washing. That's a massive amount of time freed up each day I would say. And secondly, she's never worked a day in her life so she wouldn't even begin to understand what i have to juggle just to get through the day.

Fortunately my husband stuck up for me anytime she came up with such rubbish and she now knows not to try it on!
 
I have a 3 and 1 year old and have never had a full time helper only a part time cleaner who comes in a few days a week. PM me if you'd like to chat as it is possible to survive in HK without one.
 
I have never had a live in help but managed with four children and part time help. The hardest part I?ve found is arranging baby sitting when I want to go out. In England where most people don?t have help, and if they do it is just cleaning for a couple of hours, mothers form baby sitting circles and have play date arrangements. I found that because almost everyone has helpers in Hong Kong they have no need for this sort of arrangement.

This meant that if I wanted to go out I had to make an arrangement ? call my husband to come home, take the kids to a relative?s or a good friend?s. This cut down the number of times I went out by myself because making all the arrangements (this usually included leaving dinner almost cooked as well) wasn?t worth the effort.

I now work a couple of days a week and during the school term time everything is great. I arrange for someone to collect my youngest from school and prepare dinner. The problem comes during the school holidays. My part time helper has a different job in the mornings and so can?t come to my home earlier. This means making a separate arrangement for the morning and the afternoon.

I find the arrangements are manageable when you are doing nothing out of the ordinary but as soon as you need to make a special arrangement ? that?s when the difficulties occur.

I?m not talking about emergency situations. I?ve found everyone very eager to help in emergencies. After all who minds looking after a friend?s children when she?s taking her eldest to the A&E? But would you ask a friend to look after your children once a week so you could go and get your nails done unless you were doing the same for her?
 
I'm a stay at home mum to a 2 1/2 year old and an 8 1/2 month old and have no full-time or part-time helper. Luckily hubby works in the same building, so he doesn't have to leave for work till 9am, comes home for lunch, will pop home and do a bit of babysitting if I need to take one of the kids to the pediatrician or if I have a doc/dentist appt., and normally gets home just after 5pm.

I vacuum the floor regularly (if I'm not expecting visitors, the vacuum will normally be out in the living room), dust when I can, clean the toilet/ bathrooms as and when needed, normally cook and wash dishes with the boys in the kitchen or with the younger one in the playpen and switch on 'Baby TV' for the older one, do the laundry regularly but iron when I get the chance (hubby likes to wash and iron his work clothes himself). Hubby helps put the older one to bed while I get the baby ready for bed. We take turns to do the groceries - normally after work or occasionally a quick shopping trip during hubby's lunch break, or we drive up to the Parkview PNS at the weekends.

I fly back to my parents' place next week because for the next 2 weeks, hubby has said he'll be busy at work which means late nights for him. We have not appointed a babysitter yet so have not had a night out for almost 9 months now!

I think the reason I've survived so far is because hubby is nearby if I need him.
 
I am also a SAHM with two kids and no helper. My dd's are 4, and 6 wks old. We also live in a small 2 bedroom flat and there is no way we could have someone else living here. It's hard enough when people come to visit for a week or two and have to sleep on the sofa-bed. There is no room and no privacy. I wish we had a part time helper a few days per week, but we haven't done that, either.

I think that if you can get some help for the first couple of weeks after your baby is born, from friends or relatives or your church group or play group (if you have them) to bring dinners, that would help you a lot. It would help you all adjust to having the new baby without having to worry about what to eat every night.

Also, if your husband is around and not traveling all the time, make sure he knows that you will need help with some day to day things like taking out the trash, doing a load of laundry, cleaning the bathroom now and then, taking your older child to the playground so you can nap for an hour or whatever. This will also help lessen your stressload if he can help out.

My older dd rides the school bus so all I have to do is take her downstairs to where the bus picks her up and drops her off. Does your child's school have a bus? That will be a lot easier than having to take him to and from school every day, especially if the baby is sleeping or needs to eat or whatever.

If you would like to chat more about it or have specific questions, feel free to pm me!!
 
Thanks to everyone for sharing their views. I've still got loads of time to consider my options but will probably opt for part-time help just to do the housework and occasional cooking. If that doesn't work out, I can still get a full-time helper and we are even thinking about moving to a bigger flat.

I guess for me, it's also a confidence issue and doubting my own ability to take care of 2 kids, especially with my first one being quite clingy, still breastfeeding and even now still wakes up at night. Hope I can resolve this before I next get pregnant!
 
I only have the one child and felt guilty about gettting help.
But my part time helper has been wonderful.
I live in a 400sqft apartment so there was no way we could have a live in anyway.
She started to come in for a few hours a day to free me up to do other things and give me a break.
Now she comes from 10-6 4 times a week as I am back at work part time.
You can always have a full time helper that lives out (you need to pay for a room for them. Many helpers are used to this arrangement and can organise this themselves) And they can come in for hours you specify or stay over when and if you need.
HK can be hard with out help .
Thank god for DHs they are absolute life and sanity savers.
 
Part Time Helper

Ladies,

Doing it without a helper is amazing. Kudos to those of you who have done so. I haven't been able to do. I have a part-time helper who I won't be using anymore as I am going back to work and will have a live-in helper. The part-timer is AMAZING with our son who I am EXTREMELY particular about. Her name is Amy if anybody needs a part time helper. Send me a message and I'll have her call you. She is awesome. She has more energy than I do sometimes with our son and when he sleeps she is always doing something else - cleaning, vacuuming, ironing, laundry, etc. She has even taken our dog out a couple of times upon my request.

Let me know if you need somebody and I'll have her call you. I would HIGHLY recommend her - she was recommended to me by another mom on geobaby!!
 
Active Child

I've been waiting for a maid for 6mths. 1st one got sacked as she stole $$. And waiting for 2nd one to arrive. Juggling a new baby, an active 2yr+ is not joke. It meant "jailed at home" for me; as I cannot possibly run after one child while carrying the baby! Get help unless you're really super women. But if your 20m child is obedient and never ever bother u, then it is manageable. So it really depends on your priority - Do u want to spend more time with the kids or the chores? PT help doesn't mean much.
 
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