amahs/working moms and playdates

S

sharonwong

Registered User
do amahs make playdates on their own?

do mothers allow children to play at someone's house without really knowing the parents or amahs? how do mothers feel when they are approached for playdates?

and how do mothers feel if the children will be supervised by my amah?

i will be a full-time working mother and it will be difficult for me to mingle with other mothers. therefore i'm counting on my amah to do most of the socializing for the children.

what is the playdate culture in hk? since this is a world of caregivers i wonder if foreign mothers or local mothers are more protective or inviting in terms of little children playing together especially with amahs

also would a primary student be able to have time for fun after school?
 
The domestic helpers in HK work 6 days a week. Sunday and public holidays are their official playdates. On weekdays, they do meet one another on the way to school, market or just waiting outside schools. I passed by a prestigious school in Kowloon Tong the other day and was surprised by the no. of helpers outside that school, about a hundred, maybe more.

If you want your son to enjoy school life and have free time after school, stay away from local bilingual schools. The other moms will tell you the same. Starting 2007, all local subsidized and public schools will be full day. School starts at 8:30 am and ends at 3:00 pm, plus travelling time before and after. There is little time left for homework and revision, tuition and interests, left alone playing. However, if you do plan to enroll him in a local school, be psychologically prepared.
 
Sharon - I was working up until the birth of my 2nd child and I can honestly say that both of my children have better social lives than my husband and I thanks to our helper. We live in the mid-levels and from an early age our helper was organising playdates with other helpers she met which continue even now I'm not working. We used to ask for a phone number just so we could call and make contact with the parents of the children they were visiting and there are now about 15 kids in the eldest child's playgroup and my daughter has just been invited to join a helper playgroup as many of the original mums are now on baby no. 2. We have always gone to the birthday parties, had parent social events a couple of times a year and see some parents that we get on particularly well with on a social level.

You will be surprised by how many mother's do work in HK - there is no interaction that I see between mothers and helpers in terms of playgroups. When my children's playgroups are here I hangaround for about 30 minutes just to say hi, catch up and then I leave them to it as I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable at all - I've always been impressed by the level of supervision that the children get (I wouldn't expect anything less as I completely trust the judgement of my helper).

How old is your child and where are you living? If you are in mid-levels then I could get my helper to introduce yours to the playgroup that she takes my 9 month old to if they are in that age range, my eldest daughter is 2 and a half so that wouldn't be of any use to you.

Anyway hope this puts your mind at rest.
Alison
 
hi Sharon,

given that you are a working mum and as you mentioned you are expecting your amah to be largely responsible for socialising your children (on the weekdays at least), I'd strongly recommend a thorough interview process when you are amah hunting - ask all your questions and ascertain from her answers how competent and proactive an amah she maybe, if you expect her to socialise your children, she must have good communication skills herself and you'll be able to tell whether she is genuinely interested and likes children.
While some working mums like Alison above are very lucky to have such proactive and social amahs, not all of them are like that - I have seen many amahs with their kids at playgroups take a very passive approach, some of them barely able to take care of the children's physical needs let alone socialise them.

Best of luck!
 
Hi Sharon,

We live in a huge complex and I've noticed the helpers are very pro-active and organise playdates. When we've invited kids over for the first time I have spoken to the moms directly and introduced myself and D. We're lucky that most parents come down to the playground on weekends so its easy to mingle.

Rani
 
hi everyone- i feel a sense of relief with your response

valencia: i agree no local schools. don't think my child will get into local schools anyway since their mother tongue is english. kowloon tong has good schools and nice playgrounds. i'm sure some amahs will make playdates etc...if time allows.

allison: thank you for your gesture. my son will be 6 1/2 and my daughter will be almost 3 in june next year when we relocate (if we do. it's still up in the air). we will most likely live in pokfulam (we have to be certain as i have applied to kennedy school) and live in belchers, bel-air or baguio villa. i like low rise however think the amenities and playgrouds with these complexes will be better suited for active kids like mine. they are very social and friendly. therefore playdates is a major concern for me. i'm glad to hear that there are amahs out there that are social and will make playdates on their own. i guess that is a way for amahs to have a healthy social lives themselves too. yes i can imagine that mums hanging out with amahs will be sort of weird ...

sumei: good idea. so many questions to ask amahs during interview. and i guess being trustworthy, honest and competent will not be enough. should be outgoing as well. boy we want it all right?

rani: i know you live in baguio. we were thinking of the same place as we have several of friends that had lived or living there now. do you know roshni (her daughter sasha) and vicky lenz (kiana and kenon) who now lives in shoushan hill? anyway i'm will be visiting belchers and bel-air as they were also highly recommended. what do you think about them in terms of playground and the convenience of socializing for the kids?? i'm glad to find that parents do mingle on the weekends. that's great!! i'm relieved that i will be able to make some friends myself.
 
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sharon,

i know vicky well as our kids are the same age and roshini I see ocassionally. btw, as your kids will be going to school, playdates will probably be with classmates and I'm sure your six year old will arrange them. my 7 year old niece invites friends over 2-3X week. bel-air is beautiful and the facilities are great. i've seen a few kids around but its not fully occupied yet.belchers is a busy complex.
 
hi rani
great! i had a feeling you would know them.
if we plan to put the kids into kennedy school i know kids will be in the area where playdates will be convenient and possible. there bounds to be classmates living in the complex where i choose to live i'm sure. if he goes to gsis the children are more spread out making it more difficult and less time of their hands if they want to travel.
which schools are your children attending?
 
I moved to the Belchers about 14 months ago and arrived brand new to Hong Kong from the US. I've found it extremely easy to meet moms in this complex. The facilities are great especially the pool, garden, and multiple playgrounds (though the indoor playroom is not that good) and people very friendly. I knew nobody in the complex, but met one mom through Rani and geobaby - we hooked up with other moms with kids the same age and have created a quite a network for our children and the parents. We get together frequently for mom playgroups, have our kids play with each other in helper playgroups and have nights out with the dads as well. I've loved living here but will be moving to baguio in the new year because we wanted more living space for a second baby (baguio is an older complex so the apartments are more spacious) and want to get a car (the waitlist for a parking spot is ridiculous at the belcher's...I've waited over 8 months!). But if you do choose the belcher's you'll have no trouble meeting people here. I think this is the case with many complexes in HK where expats tend to live - HK is such an open and social town.
 
i did think about parking space before but we will most likely not have a car until we feel seattled. so that info about belchers parking is useful. how bout parking at baguio?? and what are the fees?
good luck and congrats on your baby damom!
 
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DaMom, Thanks for posting.

Sharon, all the flats in Baguio come with a parking space. if your landlord has already rented it out you can easily rent another, you'll find 2-3 ads on the bulletin board. monthly rate is HK$2K.

My little guy is going to start at ESF kindergarten in Jan, and then Kennedy in a couple of years. I went to ESF too and I turned out ok..... :dance:
 
Hi Sharon

In answer to your question about playdates etc I am new to Hong Kong so not totally familiar with the amah culture myself. I'm not sure how old your children are but I understand that you will be working full time and leaving the care to your newly found helper.
I would just echo the sentiments of others that you need to choose the helper carefully and people tell me,repeatedly, go, on your gut feeling. References can be of limited value, I think.
As to whether the helper mixes and arranges playdates, this would depend on the individual girl/woman, I guess. Pre-school children do not really play together (they play alongside) and early years are about bonding with mother (or significant other)and feeling securely attached (if you read any childcare manual) rather than having a social life.
The 'playdates' are as much (to my mind) so the helper can get out and mix a bit which is fine.
Hong Kong life is very different for mothers from what I see, with all the cheap childcare available. The amahs do not mix with the mothers much and in particular, would not share a social venue, except, maybe in a club setting.
It is funny to me, when you see two new mothers at the beach, with their new babies plus 2 amahs! 4 adults to 2 little nippers.
Roles can get blurred and I have seen new mothers not even holding their own new babies.....but sorry, I'm rambling............

Back to activities..it may be worth looking into clubs in your area -they usually have activities which amahs can take the children to. They usually have a 'special entrance' and waiting areas for the helpers.
In your case it is for a very good reason (work) but many mothers dont even bother to go to the top of the road, here, to meet their children off the school bus (even tho they are not working)
This is what I've observed.

In choosing someone, I would consider her command of your language (?English) as she will be spending long hours with your child/children and some have limited communications skills (ie only speak in present tense etc)
I agree that your children need outings and structure to their day, particularly if you dont have garden/outside space.
Many of the amahs in fact have university degrees and are bright so hopefully you'll find the right one. The other thing is that (IMHO) doing housework/cleaning/ironing aswell as full-time childcare is quite hard and you may need to give her priorities so she can organise what she does, when the children are awake and playing.
There is not so much a culture of being outside in the open air here (with the weather and pollution) plus the fact that the Filipinos hate to get sun on their faces.
Many of the helpers have their own families but check you both hold the same standards of care.
Hope this helps not throw up too many negative points!
I think you are right to consider 'what she will do all day' with your children. I've been advised that you must communicate exactly what you expect/would like to happen, on a daily basis - the rest can slot around it.
Good luck with your search - hope you find someone nice
LA
 
HI again Sharon
just nopticed after my long post that yours are school age (apart from trhe younger one) but much of my other comment still applies
This will make it a lot easier for you.
Best wishes
LA
 
hi louiseamanda

in fact you have entered a new thread by bringing this subject up. yes, what you said is truely valuable. right now i'm still stationed in the US in hopes of being in hk in the summer. and we used to live in hk for 7 years with 1 yr of amah experience. the problem i have with child care i'm offered in new york is that they end their work as i come home. so this ultimately gives me no break and inturn i become a big crank which destroys my quality time with the children. as i'm looking forward to cheaper and possibly better help in hk, i also had made an agreement to myself (which i have done so presently) to be the one to put the kids to bed and if i'm home will bring them to the bus (especially in the morning before i leave for work) and any time during the weekend. i did promise myself to bring my son to the bus at least twice a week. the beauty of hk is that with the cheaper and more readily available labor i myself will have a life too however in not way shape or form will be abused.
i know mothers who have the amahs bring kids to school when they are stay-home moms. that is wrong. time is precious and they grow fast. i do have all (or most) mother's quilt of leaving them behind when i go to work. that in itself is another topic all together. therefore i make it my best to be a parent. my amah is to help NOT to replace me.
i will definately be very smart about hiring a helper. i do usually go with my gut feeling. and in fact i tend to hire helpers that are rounder and cuddly in shape as they are generally happier. they will need some other requirements such as able to cook cantonese food and speak cantonese. i think it won't be terribly hard to find but it will be a challenge.
do you have amah agency you used?? can anyone recommend one?

thank you for your thoughts. where are you from?

sharon
 
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