am I being mean?

I think gratitude is an important part of life. Those of us who are grateful for all the wonderful things we have (including helpful and kind DH) live a happier life. So both as an employee and as an employer I'm grateful to have the ability to work and the ability to employ.
 
I think we are using the word grateful to mean different things.

Grateful can mean thankful and appreciative, which are appropriate for when an employer has something helpful for you. As in the case when I was able to visit my parents because of a conference I was sent on.

It can also mean obliged and indebted. And it was this later meaning I received when I read, ?And the worst part, she still does not know how to appreciate or grateful at all. She acts as she deserves all of it.?
 
i tend to agree on somebodyfamous re: the defintion of being grateful. i feel grateful finding my husband & him being part of my life, and i still am, i am also grateful to having an adorable child like my own (altho she can be a total menice at times!!). i am grateful for all the good things in my life, hence i am grateful that i once employed a DH who helped me raised my child to be happy & confident....

maybe we should start a new thread re: BEING GRATEFUL IN LIFE.....

p.s. altho i can appreciate barbwong's view regardng DH/employees being grateful at their work or working environment, i tend to not agree.
 
How about starting a new thread called, THE EASE OF JUSTIFYING OUR BEHAVIOUR because changing and thinking about what we do is too hard?
 
I think the poster who said to think about who's problem it is hit the nail on the head.

Quote: she needs to watch the kids, so i "have to give her time to eat".

This part I don't understand. Why can't she watch your children and eat at the same time? That is what all of use who don't have maids do. It is me and my children in the house with me watching them, whether I am cooking, eating, showering, cleaning,playing with them, buying groceries, etc.
 
my child is not allowed in the kitchen, cos the stoves are always on. & in hk, the kitchens are small. it'd be very dangerous for a small child to be in the kitchen when the stoves are on. it is a house rule to have the helpers eat in the kitchen. it's been like that since my great great grandmother-in-law was around, so i have no intention of breaking that rule now.
 
But when your great great grandmother-in-law was around, Chinese women were still binding their daughters' feet. Will you be following that tradition too?
 
well, that's the rule of the house, and i live w/ my in-laws. i have other helpers in the house who r hired by my mil, &they only eat in the kitchen or their rm. i thought a lot of chinese household still ask their maid to eat in the kitchen? at least, all my friends' helpers do.
 
when the cinfinement lady came, she was very used to eating w/ the fipilino DH. she'd cook something special for them for lunch & they'd open a table in the back of the kitchen & have a little feast. i think they actually prefer to eat in the kitchen cos they want to eat in private. it's like a relaxed lunch time for them. i wouldn't want to eat at my desk in the office if i knew my boss will be walking around.
 
I grew up with Chinese amahs and they all ate in the kitchen. My filipino helper eats in the kitchen too (as do all of my friends' and families' helpers). But if I am not around and the helper has to watch my DD and it's meal time for her, then I ask her to eat in the dining room so she can keep a close eye on my DD. My DD is not allowed in the kitchen either.

joannek ~ my last confinement lady also preferred to eat in the kitchen with the helper. We asked her to eat with us and she said she preferred to eat in the kitchen.
 
When I had my first child our kitchen was really small (you couldn?t comfortably get two people in there) we had a gate on the kitchen door so that it was possible to be in the kitchen and watch her playing in the living room at the same time.

With my second child we?d moved and the kitchen was bigger but not big enough to let him play in while we were cooking. I used to sit him in his highchair with the tray full of toys if I needed to be in the kitchen and look after him as well.

Remember, where there?s a will there?s a way.
Barb
 
I totally agree with the rule that a very young child should not be allowed in the kitchen. There are so many what ifs that can happen in the kitchen, which is usually a small area in Hong Kong. Hot water; baby throwing things that land on the open stove; adults tripping on the leg of the high chair; baby touching and pulling anything within reach (which is usually dangerous in the kitchen). One can never be too careful.

Once I actually found my maid preparing the baby's food/milk (hot) in the kitchen whilst holding the baby (6 months) with one arm. I don't want to think what could have happened.
 
When my kids were very small I would sometimes hold them in my arms while I did things like get water, plates, etc. from the cupboards. Or, if I were doing the dishes, I would let them sit at my feet. I especially put non-breakables in the lower cabinets so if the BBs got into them, all they would do would bang on pots or plastic containers. We kept
the cleaning stuff up high.

When we cooked, we blocked the kitchen, or (if alone) put the kids in their "cage" ("play pen). When I say "we" I mean me, my domestic helper, and my husband.

My helpers eat where the feel like it. My 1st one tended to eat in the kitchen, mostly because it was more peaceful to have breakfast and supper there than at the table where I was feeding 1 baby, or 1 toddler and 1 baby or (the most unpleasant time) 2 toddlers. I sometimes wished *I* could eat in the kitchen and have some peace.

Since then, the subsequent helpers share their suppers w/ us at the dining table (and lunch if we eat in on Saturday). Breakfast, I don't know where they eat - because we are all out of the house by 8:00 am ;)

My m-i-l expects the helpers to eat w/ us. She used to also cook lunch and dinner for her family & the workers in the family business .
 
I gate the kitchen too. I can see how you have to follow the house rules though.

I do have to say that I find all the posts about helpers absolutley fascinating! It is just such a different way of life than how I grew up, or how I live now. Very interesting! We travel to hong kong frequently, but don't live there. In canada having live in help is extrememly rare. If I did live in Hong kong I know I would never have live in help, I really like my privacy and would not want someone I don't know living in my house, especially in such a small space. For those who have live in help, is this something you just get used too after time?
 
my hubby and I were adamant we didn't want live in help but having twins made it unavoidable! Before the children arrived, she lived out and that made it easy to have her clean whilst we were out eg.

Now, we pay for her to stay out on her day off so have Sunday (and night!) alone. To be honest we're grateful for the help and she fits in well with our temperament (she doesnt talk unless spoken to, she slips away if not needed etc.) She used to work for friends of ours who had two children so she's experienced with babies etc. which is so great!

we're also grateful to have a proper maids room as some helpers we know of, sleep on the sofa or in a foldout bed in living room! That would really cramp our 'space'!!
 
capital said:
. For those who have live in help, is this something you just get used too after time?
Click to expand...


Well, I grew up w/ a big family, had roomates for 3 out of 4 years at university & had flat-mates for most of the years before I got married & started a family. So, I never really felt any lack of privacy.

I guess I think of it as "flatmate who I pay to clean up my mess instead of having a flat-mate who I have to negotiate with about the cleaning issues".

But, everyone is different.
 
i grew up never having helpers. my mom, me & my sister shared the house hold chores. before i got married, my girlfriends asked me what i wanted in life, i said, "marry a man i love who loves & is kind to me, have children, hire DH so that i don't have to do the house chores, and no need to work." the other day a friend asked me if i'll go back to work when my DD is older, the other friend replied, "why would she? she's already getting what she wanted in life."

perhaps growing up surrounded by people who have maids and me not made me feel deprived.

i do have several friends who live in Vancouver who has DH, some live in, some live out.

having DH sure makes life a lot more leisurely, but they also bring a lot more headaches.
 
Capital, I dare say you would be surprised by how quickly you adapt to having a helper. Remembering that most of us here (on this board) are foreigners so we have NO family around for help. I wasn't keen on the live in part but we have a separate maid's room off the kitchen so once she's finished work we don't see her again til the next morning. She's free to come and go as she pleases but she chooses to use the back exit so everyone has privacy. On weekends she finishes work Saturday afternoon (we like being together as a family and there is no point in insisting she stay if there is no work to be done) and she goes to stay with her friends or sister. She comes back monday morning. As long as she's back by 8.30 Monday everyone is happy.

In a few weeks we will have two children under the age of 16 months and it would be very hard for me to manage with no family for support and no help. Plus, if the help is cheap as it is here why would you want to spend time cleaning when you can be with your family? In Australia help was expensive like it is in Canada so I'm just grateful to be here at this point in my life. It won't be forever but getting through the next couple of years with help will be great.
 
I agree this helper is too stubborn. she works for you and therefore should do things the way you want. I would never again offer her any food, she can just be hungry if she cannot see that you were being nice. The raising of a voice is unacceptable. Get rid of her - there are so many others who need jobs.
 
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