am I being mean?

J

joannek

Registered User
I have this new helper who arrived in late November last year. when she first started coming, every time i told her she did sth wrong, she'd raise her voice & talk back at me. obviously, i get upset, and scold her, then she'll cry.

this morning, i was not feeling well so i asked my mom to come to pick up my daughter & the helper to go to the playgroup. before they left, i gave my helper a bun & ask her to eat it now (as breakfast cos i know she hasn't eaten yet). she said, "no, i'll eat later" then i said "you won't have time to eat later, cos my mom doesn't like people eating in her car", then she said "no, i'll eat at school", so i said "you're not suppose to eat in the classroom. that's why i said you won't have time to eat." then she said, raising her voice 2 pitches higher, "no, i saw so & so's mother ate the other day." so i said, in my regular tone, "the teacher is being nice not to tell her off, but they have a rule no eating or drinking in class except snack time, so the kids won't be disturbed." then she reluctantly pulled a face & nod. when she came back, i explained to her that when i told her sth like this morning, i have my reasons & she should not argue, then she raised her voice "i'm not arguing (& started weeping), then i'll just not talk when you talk to me" (in an angry tone)

this has happened a million times since she's been here. when i told her she needs to smile at my friends & family, and not pull a face, she gets offended and pulls a face. my friends told me she's rude & when they talk to her nicely, she pulls a face & turn her back on them. she doesn't take instructions. when i told her to do sth a certain way, she always tell me "no, i can this-this-this". i always have to explain everything to her clearly why i need sth done as i instruct & sometimes she still does it her own way. when i confront her, she cries.

am i being a mean employer or she's too sensitive? as an employer, aren't i entitled to tell her what to do? and give her instructions?
 
fire her . if she cant follow your instructions then what use is she for u. Todays he raises her voice at you tomrrow it might be at your daughter. better get rid off her. Crying at the drop of the pin is just plain acting
 
normally i cook my daughter's meal. and one time i asked her to boil pasta for my daughter. the 1st time, she put just a little water, so the pasta was very hard after the designated time. so i told her she needs to put more water in order for the pasta to cook properly. so the 2nd time she cooked, i only checked on her when the pasta was nearly done. still very little water, but i didn't say anything. i waited until she finished cooking & i checked the pasta & i told her it's still too hard for a small child. then i said, "pls remember to put more water next time you cook pasta". she pulled a face & nod. as she turns around to go the kitchen, i said "pls do not be so stubborn & listen to my instructions". she said, in a very low voice & a tone of despise "if it's too hard then you should cook it for longer".

what is wrong with her?!!
 
My current indon maid is also abit slow.. it took her nearly 3 weeks to get my daughter's porridge right.. she was making stupid mistake like adding pork into the steaming porridge 5 mins prior to serving a toddler!!! There is no way the prok will be cooked in a steamer in 5 mins!!!

Anyway, at least she is apologetic and is always smiley (which is why she is still with me after 2 months depite countless nightmarish mistakes on her part). She is still making stupid mistakes and we also seem to have communication problem cos of her limited understanding of English (although she insist that she understands me perfectly). But again, she is APOLOGETIC and also SMILING.

I fired my previous maid for being defiant and to a smallr extent rude ( I was able to tolerate this as it was mostly directly to my friends and not to me). As what you have described, your helper seem unhappy under your employment cos she wants control over what she does... and not to be told what to do...so a clash of personality here

My advice is to terminate her to save yourself of more grief and headache.
 
Well my point of view joannek your helper is not happy work with you. She is too stubborn, not follow your instructions and stupid. You should talk to her again softly as you can about what she's done alot of mistakes and ask directly-- Is she happy work with you or not?! that way you can take an action and have a reason why? you have to fired her....

Good luck!
 
Get rid off her.

I'm sick of reading about helper's who end up making us employers feel bad or uncomfortable in our own home. We shouldn't have to tip toe around them and we shouldn't have to tell them over and over what to do or how to do it. You sound completely reasonable to me.

I just can't imagine that anyone would get away with doing this sort of thing at a regular place of work. If your boss asks you to do something you do it, you don't continually argue, sulk or cry. Helper's need to understand this. We're not being mean, we're being the boss.

I see crying as someone's last resort when they know they are on the losing side of the argument. I can't stand it especially when you know that 9 times out of 10 they actually don't care and are just doing it to manipulate you.

I say we all take a stand against crying helpers! If they do it just say it's not acceptable, that there is no reason to cry when you are just trying to get them to do their job correctly or as you want it to be done.

They all talk so maybe soon enough they'll figure out that crying is off the cards!
 
i told her that when i was working at the office, when my boss tells me to do sth i follow instructions. i never raise my voice. she doesn't admit that she's raising her voice, and she's not arguing!!
 
I totally understand why you would be frustrated but you can't control everything your helper does surely? I mean, telling her to eat at a certain time, what if she wasn't hungry? Isn't this a bit much? Maybe you are always on at her for something or other that's why now she's becoming defiant? Just a thought.
 
yeah, that's why i wonder if i'm being mean. i mean, she gets up whenever my daughter gets up, sometimes at 6am, sometimes at 8.30am. since my daughter doesn'e sleep well, i let her sleep in. and sometimes ask her to take naps during the day so she catches up on sleep. but this morning, my daughter woke at 8am. she needs to leave the house at 8.30am. by the time we got her ready, the helper went to the bathroom it was 8.25am. so i asked her to eat her breakfast. so if she doesn't at now, she'd have to wait until 12 noon, when my daughter's playgroup finishes & they get home.

i also thought about whether i'm always on at her for sth... but it's only when she's ruined sth because she didn't follow my instructions or raises her voice. any other time, i only give her instructions & want her to know what i want. i need to give clear instructions, cos if not she doesn't understand.

when she first arrived, she had horrible body odor, and horrendous breath. the 2nd day she arrived i bought her some bath gel, shampoo & conditioner. 1 mth later, she still smelled, so i gently asked her if she know her breath smell. she told me it's because of her false teeth & she needs some "medicine" for it. so i went to the pharmacist & bought her some medicine for false teeth. turns out she needed the disinfectant tablets for the teeth. so i bought a big box of that for her. 1 mth later, her breath still smelled (i'm sorry to say, but really like shit, whenever i get close to her when she's talking, i thought my daughter pooed!)

the first 3 mths she was here, i never understood her, and neither did my husband. i later learnt that even our other helper doesn't understand her in tagalog. when i try to teach her how to correctly say sth in english, she gets defensive & also offended. i was just trying to avoid further miscommunication.

i am seriously looking for a helper already, i went to Dak Shing (you know the big agent with the ad), but everytime i chose one, they later told me she's not coming.
 
wow, I'm amazed at your patience with her. You need another helper, she's adding stress to your lives.... Good luck in finding one.

If I suggested to my helper to eat at a certain time, with an explanation why - my helper would either eat it then or after 12 noon - her choice - but she wouldn't argue with me or cry or raise her voice. So you're not being mean, you're being manipulated by your helper.
 
It really sounds like you've been reasonable. She just shouldn't raise her voice at your for anything.

As for the smelly thing sorry to say but this made me really laugh. Whilst our helper doesn't have bad breath she has such a pungent smell that when we get up in the morning the entire house reeks of her despite the fact that she sleeps off the kitchen with two more doors separating her from the living room. I've given her heaps of toiletries, deodorant etc but it's just not helping. I hate bad smells (and this is bad) and don't know what to do. My husband who normally can't smell a thing comes home and complains about the smell that hits him when he walks in the door!

When she moved in with us I got her to wash all of her clothes but it didn't make any difference. I have to burn candles all day long and leave the kitchen window open even when it's hot because she sleeps just off it. I hate smelling bad odour in the kitchen of all places!

Apart from that she's pretty good! Anyone got any suggestions or been through what we are going through?
 
Aussiegal: My old maid two years ago was really smelly arm pits. I end up buying an eletric room odor (Glades) and plug in! in the kitchen and front door. It works for us. Tx GOD! luckly-- our new maid is pretty clean.

Hope this will help.
 
I don?t think you are being mean because mean implies that you actually have bad feelings. But I think there is always a tendency to assume that others think the same way you do. And that if you explain your thinking they will, of course, agree with you. But I?ve learnt this isn?t true. Everyone bring different priorities and experiences to a situation, and with this situation we are adding in different cultures too.

I always try to imagine how I?d feel if my boss were saying it to me. (Again making the assumption that others will think like me.) I wouldn?t like my boss to question me about what I had for my breakfast and so I wouldn?t question my employees about it. I also don?t question my teenage children any more. If they feel hungry because they haven?t eaten breakfast then they will have to deal with it. It is their discomfort, not mine. And for some people it is only by living through the discomfort that motivates them to change the situation.

One tool I found very useful when bringing up my children, and I think it can also help with the employer/employee relationship, is to ask, ?Whose problem is it??

In the case of the breakfast it is clearly the maid?s problem and not the employers. So as the employer don?t worry about it. In the case of the bad smell it is the employer?s problem so deal with it.
 
hi everyone! especially joannek, i really felt sorry for your dh because she did took your kindness and being understanding for granted. she's lucky cause you hired her but she did not do her best. if you're still looking for a dh and if want to hire former hk dh direct from Philippines please check classifieds section of www.geoexpat.com there's a post there looking for a job or email me at [email protected], i will then send my resume and qualifications to you. by the way, i am very meticulous in regards of hygiene and cleanliness =)

thank you very much!
 
My last maid really had an attitude problem too. Whenever I asked her to do something nicely, she did not look at me and just walked off to do it. She didn't even acknowlege she heard me. I mean, she went and did the job but she pulled a face and just never responded. When I gave her something (like a new box of chocolate, or some of my old stuff that I was going to give away but I always checked to see if she wanted them first), she'd say, "ok ok" and point to the counter and asked me to leave it there. She wouldn't even look me in the eye and say thank you.

As for eating, my helper eats whenever she wants. Sometimes I will notice she doesn't eat breakfast but she tells me she doesn't feel like eating it so I let it be. She is a grown woman. I skip meals sometimes too when I am not pregnant.

I also have a problem with bad smelling kitchen. I think the culprit are towels that are a little mildewed due to the humid weather in HK. If she uses a smelly towel to clean the kitchen counter tops, of course the smell will linger. So I ask her to clean the kitchen towels often and dry them in the dryer (she used to air dry them) thoroughly before using them.
 
well, i guess barb wong is right. i just felt because she didn't have time to eat, then i should let her eat before we leave the house. but since she's a grown woman & she should know what time we leave (my daughter has a set weekly schedule), if she didn't get up earlier to eat her breakfast, that's her problem.

but the thing is, she cannot leave my daughter by herself, so i always have to "give her time to eat" while someone else attend to my daughter....
 
joannek, you are truly not mean at all, you are a very reasonable and kind employer. You better fire your maid before she steps on your head.

My indonesian maid is not only extremely slow (it takes her exactly 1 hour to mince 4 pieces of garlic) but she is lazy (sleeps at 8pm and wakes up at 8:30am everyday), rude, and always talks back whenever I ask her to do something. I hire indo maid because I am indo myself, but it turns out to be my worst nightmare. I have given her 1-month termination notice. I can't stand her anymore.
 
I do hope everyone bitching about their maids is paying them at least the full minimum salary. When a large number of Indonesian helpers were interviewed last year (I think) it turned out that way more than half of them were being underpaid. I could get up from my desk now and locate plenty of underpaying employers in my company (who seem to see nothing wrong with it, because 'it's a lot of money for an Indonesian' - I would love to see their reaction if I used that excuse for a Chinese employee - well, money goes further in China, it's ok to pay Chinese people less...). Honestly now, everyone? And that includes paying for accommodation, the govt levy, all statutory holidays... (And, honestly, telling your maid to eat NOW - if you trust her to look after your child then you should really be able to trust her to know when she's hungry herself.)
 
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