Advice Needed - I found my MIL very annoying

I have two boys, so it is my destiny to 'only' be a MIL.
I think the key is that many MIL oscillate between beting compelte control freaks, or sitting back and doing nothing to help: my MIL is like this. If she does anythingm, it has to be 100% her way. Which, sometimes, is fine. But then when I really do need or would like some hlep, if she doesn't agree with what I am doingm, she won't help.
Wen I am an MIL I will try to not be judgemental, but to offer advice without needing my DIL to take it....a hard road to tread.
No matter how much I dislike someone, I could stand an hour a week! I would simply find a way to interact as little as possible without being rude.
 
HappyV said:
No matter how much I dislike someone, I could stand an hour a week! I would simply find a way to interact as little as possible without being rude.
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I agree with this. I mean, come on, the woman is the reason your husband and your baby even exist. My MIL is more often that not a real pain but I'd still hate for my children to not have her in their life. It's not really fair to them. All kids need family. They need to know their roots.

I'd much rather be in your position where you see her for only an hour a week than what we have to go through, 3 or 4 weeks straight, live in every year!
 
I am a little curious what it is that makes you hate your mil so much, it's a little hard to understand your animosity at the moment. Your mil feels the same way about you? I am only reading what you have posted, but it seems like your husband sees thru the pretend smile. Maybe you are not as good an actress as you would like? Is there no way to work out your differences? Cos at the moment, it sounds like you are just harbouring your hate for your mil and seething inside, nothing is actually being done to ease the situation. I know mending a relationship is not just a one way thing, but if your mil is still coming round despite you making it obvious you don't want her there, maybe she would like to work it out too.
 
BabyC said:
i will try to "suck it up" but that doesn't mean that i "like" my MIL's visit but it is just that i do it for my husband - i don't want my husband to be unhappy - that's all
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Sometimes you just have to make yourself change your perspective. As long as you have a hostile attitude toward her, it will not only make you more miserable it will continue to create tension. If your goal is to "be right" then keep on doing what you're doing. If you're goal is to create a better atmosphere in your family, you're going to have to have a change of mind and heart and it starts by being a bit more humble. I know that isn't what you want to hear. If I was in your position I'd want to hear, "Yes, we all agree that your MIL is so annoying that she should just go away and never bother you again. And you of course do not have any responsibility to make this situation better--it's all her responsibility." Honestly, that's what I would want to hear but I don't think that's really reasonable to tell you that--because truthfully, if you take some initiative, and with your husband on board, set some healthy boundaries, you can be on the road to making this a better situation. Unfortunately, your MIL vanishing into thin air just because you don't like her is not likely to happen.
 
Also, I think there is some merit to the saying that when other people annoy us it's often because they are like a mirror reflecting something of our own selves to us that we don't want to look at. Maybe you have more in common with your MIL than you think and that's why she bothers you so much. Just a thought--I know it works that way with me and the people who bother me most.
 
i don't like my MIL because she always wants to know everything and gets involved - too many opinions and advice which i found very annoying

after 5 days of work, all i want is to have a private life with my husband and baby
 
Then you are not really looking for advice, are you? If you want someone to just agree with you and say you are perfectly reasonable in your reaction, better if you just talk to the mirror. Sorry for sounding mean, but you should have realised by now that your "family" is not just you, hubby and baby. Your mil is your husband's family and that makes her your family now. Quit whining and deal with it.
 
Hi BabyC,

I am sorry to hear your problem. I agree with some of the replies that you should try to make it a win-win situation. Wouldn't it be good if you could go out to do something for yourself when your MIL comes over? I'm sure you will be happier when you go home just to say goodbye to her. Maybe you will find it easier to gradually spend a little more time with her.

I was in an even more difficult situation before with my MIL. She's been living with my husband for many years after her other daughters all got married. When I got married, I had to move in with not just my husband, but also my MIL. For many years, I didn't feel I was living at home, I felt like I was living in their home.

I remembered my SIL called one Sunday. As soon as I said hello, she said "mom." I told her I was not "mom." Then she said, "Oh you're the maid." When I told her I was not the maid, she asked me who I was. At that time, I asked myself the same question. "Who am I?"

When I was still working before I got pregnant, everything was okay. Things went downhill after the baby was born. It got so bad that at one point I had to see a psychiatrist. I wouldn't say I hated my MIL, but I couldn't stand living with her. She's a nice person and everything, but ...

BabyC, your MIL just won't disappear, and yes, she does have the right to see the baby too. You'd better think about all the advice posted and make yourself happy.

:gl:
 
Hi spsmok - sorry to hear your situation and hope you are doing fine now

ok after listening to all the advice, i have decided to do something to ease the problem - might be i will start with going out when my MIL comes
 
BabyC, I'm wondering what exactly abt your MIL that is annoying you. Abt an hour's visit per week isn't that bad, to me. Both your MIL and your baby have the right to develop their relationship. Your baby's life isn't just mommy and daddy, he/she has grandparents too. You'll be a granny too many yrs later, and I guess you will have broken heart if your DIL won't like you to visit your grandson. I don't know why she is annoying, but I guess you just have to think positively. I have a pretty good relationship with my MIL & FIL. We always go out for lunch / dinner / invite them for dinner at our place, and I have no problem to let them stay for the nite at our place if things finish late. My baby has a greatttttttttt and loving relationship with my parents and my hubby's parents, and he is sooooooo happy to receive soooooo much love from all. Hope you won't find me annoying by saying all these gospel. hahahah
 
i have truly tried not to let my occasionaly annoyance with my mil affect my kids' relationships with her. and it hasn't.

the way their faces light up and the way her face lights up when they see each other makes it worth my effort not to lose it when she drives me up the wall.
 
BabyC, relationships with ILs can be very stressful. Hang in there. Just a thought, as you're working why don't you let yr MIL visit with baby when you're at work.

Then you can spend weekends alone with husband and baby.
 
You are not talking about your own parents, are they still alive, living close to you, coming to see you ? or is your MIL the only grand-parents your baby has ?
 
thanks rani - that's what i am planning to do

i will ask my MIL to come during the weekdays instead after my maternity leave
 
my parents are living very close and they come and visit baby very often. i love my parents come and visit

i just don't like my MIL's visit
 
No advice here but lots of suport. I too have to 'suck it up' often (which is not often enough - mmm).
 
but it is not a good idea to avoid meeting each other in a long run. You and your ILs are a one big family. they are the parents of your husband, you hv to learn to accept them as part of your family, just like the way you love your parents. I understand it is very annoying for them to give advice too much, coz this makes you feel that you are not capable in raising your own baby. This makes you feel that they know everything and you know nothing. I had been there. but they just wanted to help by sharing with you the actual experience they had before. sometimes their experience really helps.
Your MIL does not just have her grandson. She has her own son too. So, coming during the weekdays will sacrifice her right to meet with her own son too.
So, start to learn to love them as your family, and all will be happier.
 
True. I don't know anyone who is BFF with their MILs. Everyone does the best they can to manage the relationship.
 
I think some of it is in our head, but try to remember that whatever animosity you're feeling, you're the one who's hurting the most. Reading the above posts makes my MIL sounds like an angel, but she still annoys me here and there. BUT, I also realize that when I get annoyed with things that she does, I'm the one who's hurting most, and when I allow myself to let go and let loose, I'm the one who feels better. So I really try to let things go for my own sake.

Yes, getting them out of the house is a good tactic. Hubby and I get a date tonight while the kids are with MIL and FIL. It really is a win-win. They get to spend time, and I don't fret over what they do together.
 
babyc u say u find your MIL annoying but what has she done to annoy u so much. might be just that u dont like her and your mind is preset to dislike everything she does. Anyway as everyone else has said u either find a way to get along with her or ignore /avoid her and risk having issues with your husband. at the end the choice is yours.

Best of luck
 
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