12 week old doesn't like his dad

Gataloca

Gataloca

Registered User
My 12 week old doesn't like his dad. Each time I handle him over his dad, he would cry.

I am the main care giver, so I take care of him the whole day. Whenever my hubby get home, I would try to encourage him to play and take care of the baby.... Mostly, my hubby doesn't like doing baby talk. Usually he would play with the baby just for a short while before leaving him to entertain on his own. He likes to carry the baby in vertical position, but the baby doesn't seem to like it very much.

Anyway, weeks ago, I could handle the baby to my hubby (so I could make dinner, do the dishes, take a shower, etc) when the baby was in good mood, and he could keep the baby on his lap watching TV or looking the ceiling for a while before the baby gets tired and starts crying. When the baby cries, he could sometime calm him down (temporally) by rocking him, or walking him... But lately, the baby is starting to cry as soon as I handle him to my hubby. My hubby would try to rock him, to walk him, and that wouldn't work... but as soon as my hubby handles the baby back to me, he would stop crying. My hubby is quite frustrated and disappointed by the behavior of the baby.... Is it normal for a baby to have preference at this early age? I thought it was still early for the baby to recognize people...
 
hubby isn't trying very hard with baby. lots of men are afraid of making a fool of themselves with their babies, so don't "do" anything. baby is getting bored. hubby needs to try a little harder. what would he do if you went out and left the baby with him?

baby doesn't know him very well, daddy's at work all day and when he comes home is only willing to entertain baby for a few minutes, he's not being given the opportunity to get to know daddy. how can daddy expect the baby to know and enjoy him, when all he's doing is....watching tv, saying "hi", and then leaving the baby on his own???

babies can recognise parents pretty much from birth. BUT if hubby wants to get to know his baby (this time goes so quickly and he'll NEVER get it back) he better get off his butt and TRY.

it might be good for the two of them if you went OUT and left them to it for a couple of hours every few days...just so that they are forced to entertain each other...
 
Yes, I think daddy is not trying hard enough, but sometime I also feel guilty. Usually the baby is fussier and harder to handle at night time, so in some way, I get to take care of the baby when he is in his best mood, while my hubby get the worse part. But probably would be a good idea to go out and leave them alone to get used to each other for few hours during the weekend....I never did cause I just didn't trust my hubby enough to let them alone... Once I put the baby on our bed and told my hubby to take care of him so I could take a shower. I came out of the shower to find the baby crying with milk spitted all over, and my hubby asleep (hubby later apologized saying that he was just tired, that he tried to calm down the baby but didn't work, so he let him crying to see if he would calm on his own, but then fall asleep).

Probably sometime I take back the baby from my hubby too soon... but it is hard to hear all the crying and do nothing.... and I am afraid that the baby would end up spitting and vomiting after all the crying, or that he would loss confidence on his care givers.
 
Why don't you start off by the three of you playing together. That way you will be there too and your baby will be happy and your husband will get some time to interact with the baby. I think the key is really for your husband to interact and play with your baby more. If you don't trust your husband to be with your baby alone, then just do stuff together!
 
your hubby sounds like he needs to realise he has a baby now. life is not all about him and his needs... the needs of the baby now take priority.

he needs to figure out a what to interact with the baby without your input, without your being there to "save the day". he has no incentive to figure it out right now, because you are ready and willing to take over the minute he says, "i don't know what to do...."
 
perhaps you could have daddy be there when you feed / bathe / play with the baby so it is a "family" thing and not just a mommy and baby thing....slowly (with some hard work from daddy) there should be some games / gestures that only daddy does to make baby smile and laugh. if you are not exclusively BFing then daddy should feed baby his bottle - my hubby does that (even though he's not very good at it! :) but at least he's trying! if the baby is hungry he'll eat - no matter who's feeding and it's good for baby to get to know daddy's smell!
 
And even if you are exclusively BFing, if you are happy to express a feed a day you can get daddy to still give one feed.
I always tried (I was never very good at expressing) to express enough milk for daddy to give the 10pm feed so he could spend some quality time with our daughter, with the added bonus that it gave me an evening off!
 
yup would agree with Nic! practice makes perfect (near perfect at least when you're dealing with feeding a baby :) it's a win win win situation - dad gets to bond, you gt a break, baby gets to spend time with dad!
 
Thanks a lot for the inputs. I think I'll try to express some milk, and ask dad to give the last feed of the day. This way, the baby will know that there are also good things coming from his daddy.

Last night I fed the baby and left him on our bed, and ask my hubby to play with him. My hubby started teasing and babling to him, and the baby was in pretty good mood when I left. After few minutes, the baby was already crying. I went back to the room to find my hubby annoyed, and saying that we should make a big cardboard with my face in it, so that the baby can see it, lol! I then took the baby to the living room and placed him on his bouncer... funny that the baby was fine with the arrangement.. so, does my baby prefer to stay alone rather than with his daddy???... I guess daddy really doesn't know how to play with the baby, and just ended up annoying him?
 
the difference?

when the baby cries for you, you try to figure out a way to pacify the baby. you try different things. you change the scenery. hubby? he gets annoyed and gives up, then you run in and save the day.... again.

it's a pattern. it will NOT change unless YOU change it. it will take both you and hubby to work it out. you cannot always run in everytime the baby cries. you cannot always save the day. you are only helping the problem, not the solution. daddy needs to see the kind of things you do with the baby. give him suggestions. have HIM take the baby out and about. he not only doesn't know how to entertain the baby, he doesn't seem to know the baby. the ONLY way he will ever be comfortable with the baby and the baby with him is with experience. they are not getting that right now because daddy gets annoyed and you take over.

please don't think i'm being harsh on you. i'm only being honest. i know that what you are doing is instinctual. whenever a mother hears their baby cry, the mother's instinct is to care for the baby. but you need to back off a bit and let daddy do it, WITHOUT you around. it's the only way all three of you will learn new patterns of behaviour.

good luck!
 
Thanks Carang. I have been in this forum for a while, so I know that you are a straight and honest person. That is why I always appreciate your inputs and advices :-)

Hubby actually does try different things... he would carry the baby in different positions, he would walk him, rock him, put him down, put him in the bouncer, give him the pacifier, etc... it used to work before (or at least would temporally calm the baby), but it seems that as the baby is getting older, he is getting more attached to me.

I guess it is always easier for me to calm the baby, as I can resource on my breast. And I can carry the baby on the pouch sling, which always seem to calm him (The problem is that the pouch sling does not fit my hubby). We do play with the baby together, but when I am around, the baby only look at me. ... Hubby does offer to take care of the baby when I have to go to the doctor, for example.... but usually I would rather take the baby with me, than leaving him with my hubby... it is completely my fault, I know... I should trust more in my husband and let him learn to take care of the baby, even if the baby may cry non stop for several hours :-(
 
I have seen this many times before in my line of work and I would agree that starting off the playtime as a family of three and making it interesting and fun then you start to back off when things are going well, not secretly but just telling your baby you will be back in a few minutes, the, over time things will get better. It is a very uncomfortable feeling for a father to feel that he is not wanted and it really can put him off especially if his own baby is telling him this by crying. Good luck
 
My husband was like yours, and now my baby is 22 months old and still has always preferred mama. So I have to do most things and it's really exhausting being literally the only caregiver in my boys life, especially almost 7 months pregnant. I told my husband that in hope it will be different with the next one, bc it's already damaged the possible closeness my husband could have had witness my son, don't get me wrong, my son adores daddy, but when it comes to care stuff like feeding a bottle, being consoled, being put to bed, being put back to sleep, it's all me.
 
I can understand your husband thinks playing with a baby is boring. Well, after a day of hard work..
What you should try is giving him the baby for more "adult" activities; like giving the bath, or the best I think a massage to the baby.
Indeed, this would be a special and quiet moment for them. No need for him to do baby talk.
 
I agree 100% with Carang. It is easy to enable and hard as a mother to step back and let both DH and DC tough it out BUT without this initial teething period you will never get to the point where you could have a more even split of the parenting duties. Most fathers I know and certainly my own DH are pretty keen to say 'well she only wants you' but I've stepped back and watched the interaction without intervening and have witnessed that DH doesn't really try very hard.....he's not passionate about it in the way that I am, and I'll persist....like try a million things literally..... until I make my baby happy again. A few times I've asked my DH to sit in with me and observe whilst I do the play time with my DD and he has found that he picked up some useful tricks that work with her....because the truth is, the less time he spends with your child, the more frustrating it will be for him, and it's vicious cycle, he will know less about what it takes to soothe your baby, then will feel less engaged ect, ect, ect.
Not wanting to be harsh but DH needs to pick up his game.......we're all tired, mothers especially and it's all too easy to have a snooze, leave it top the helper, go veg out on the internet, in front of the TV but it's time to grow up and fight the fatigue and do the needful.
 
Must admit, I haven't read all the postings here, but just my two cents. When I was pregnant (with our first), my hubby - ever the realist - never thought about what the baby would bring to our lives... other than bills for diapers and formula. He only began to think about it a week before my due date....

When she was born, he was a changed man... his loved her SO MUCH. Though I hate to say it...he treated her like a toy or a doll. He'd kiss her, play with her (sometimes even when she didn't like what she was doing), but then plop her down wherever when he was done... and leave everything else to me. So, I warned him. If he wants her to know Daddy (he works til quite late M-F), he had better spend more time with her.

Fast forward 5 months...

We've worked on it to arrive at something that works for us. Not perfect, but it's a work in progress. I stay-at-home, so she understandably has a very strong bond with me. I encourage him to play with her, give him little tips to make her laugh and ... what I found is making the difference is this: Every morning, I wake him up with her. He plays a bit with her..and she's around while he has breakfast and goes out the door. At night, he gives her the 11pm dreamfeed. He REALLY enjoys it. He loves kissing her chubby face, so after he feeds her... he just kisses and kisses and kisses her.. :)

Although she's supposedly asleep... I think she really knows it's Daddy. The other night, she woke crying at 10pm.. we were both in the room. She looked over at him. He avoided eye contact (he can't resist her cute face) ..and she started crying as if to say "Daddy's ignoring me!!!"

Cute :)

Daddies do really need to get more involved. It's so easy for them to leave everything to Mom... but they will reap the rewards later on!!! Good luck!!!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top