Help - need to replace my two DHS - am I expecting too much?

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Haha, thought I might get some cyber slaps. Especially since it seems about 90% of the Geobaby has a DH (or 2) but I know that for most of the expats, this is probably your first unless you come from an extremely wealthy family.

I don`t think my comments were ignorant at all, perhaps Southside, you are feeling a bit defensive. If you go back to the schedule you wrote of your day, it didn`t actually look like you were spending loads of time with your son. Just interpreting what you wrote.

It does indeed sound luxurious to be able to be a `Lady who Lunches`, to go out to the gym whenever I wanted, to get a pedicure, a massage, go shopping. It sounds wonderful not to wash my dishes and not have to clean up my baby`S vomit, or cook dinner for us or to GASP, have a night out with my husband. And heaven forbid someone else does my `back work` that kills me each day. Sure, that sounds great.
BUT - it`s funny on here, it`s almost taken for granted that the expats here are all on expat packages and have fancy flats and DHs. But we`re not like that. We simply could not afford one, and I wouldn`t know where to house one(cuz it wouldn`t be here), and also could not (personally, na) justify going to the spa or read Time magazine or whatever while someone else is taking care of my child (unless it`s once in a while then I can FOR SURE justify that!).
I`m not trying to sound like a martyr, and I would LOVE an extra pair of hands around (for more than my wonderful 3 hour cleaning lady per week). And people say that you need to take advantage of it while you`re living in HK, and I guess I could see that. But also, don`t forget where you came from.
Oh, and incidentally, a HK person just told me recently that they understood why I didn`t have a helper, bc my husband was Japanese. She said (and others have since agreed) that Japanese men do not allow their wives to get helpers, as it`s not in their culture. Ha! My husband every so often when I complain about my back hurting or being busy, will tell me to hire a helper. but it`s all contrived, I actually don`t think he would really want me to get one. He would just think I am lazy. I should have married a HK guy:)
 
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Out of curiosity - for those mommies out there whose helpers finish work by 8 or 8:30pm each night, who serves dinner to the adults of the household and does the dishes afterwards? My baby doesn't sleep until 9:30 or 10pm, so I'm busy taking care of my baby until then.
 
my friend and her husband had a helper and her husband was japanese (of the generation older than we are... he was the same age as her father....)

shenzheniffer, not all of us are on expat packages. i have NEVER had any kind of package in my 15 years here. what i have, i have worked my tail off to earn. the problem in hk for many people is that part-time babysitters are few and far between. it is NOT 'like home'. for us, we live a 30 minute bus-ride from my son's school. there is no school bus. i work 45 minutes drive from home (if i take public transport, it takes over 2 hours). my daughter isn't old enough to go to school yet. hubby works from home, but it is impossible for him to take care of 20+ dogs, make sure they are all exercised properly AND to care for our daughter...we have, gasp... horror...., two helpers now. one, the wife, has been with us since just before my son's birth. she cares for the kids/shops/cleans. we dont' have ironing, and she shares the cooking with her husband. her husband cleans the ground floor (where the dogs live), takes care of the garden and helps with the dogs, he also does the difficult stuff (cleaning the ceilings/fans etc).


to make a blanket statement about a woman who has twins, living in a foreign country, and chooses to have two helpers to make her life easier and say that she is lazy is far too judgemental and plain mean.

of course this might not be "how she does things at home".... i've got news for you... this isn't north america. depending on where they live, it could be very difficult to take public transport with two babies, diaper bag, stroller, purse etc by oneself... having another set of hands IS a luxury that can be afforded by many expats, so what is so terribly wrong about her using that to her advantage to make her life just a little, if not a lot, easier? if she and one helper take the twins out, then the other helper can stay home and cook/clean...

have you raised twins? do you have any twins in your family? if not, you have no idea how difficult it can be... i have 3 sets of twin cousins...it isn't easy "at home", but you have part-time babysitters, often family & friends that share the "burden" of occasional childcare. i don't know anyone here that offers to babysit for a friend...it isn't done here (that i've seen).

just because things are done differently "at home" doesn't mean that it's better.

funny....i think that being a SAHM in and of itself is a luxury...one i've never been able to afford. (however, i do NOT think that it is for the lazy... it's a very difficult and demanding job.)
 
FutureHKmom said:
Out of curiosity - for those mommies out there whose helpers finish work by 8 or 8:30pm each night, who serves dinner to the adults of the household and does the dishes afterwards?
Click to expand...

i would venture to say that most people eat earlier. i know in hk it is normal to eat late... we usually eat dinner by about 6pm or so...
 
Carang - I only wish we could eat that early! My husband doesn't get home from work until 8:30 or 9 at which time I'm always STARVING (but I feel bad eating first without him)!
 
carang said:
to make a blanket statement about a woman who has twins, living in a foreign country, and chooses to have two helpers to make her life easier and say that she is lazy is far too judgemental and plain mean.

of course this might not be "how she does things at home".... i've got news for you... this isn't north america. depending on where they live, it could be very difficult to take public transport with two babies, diaper bag, stroller, purse etc by oneself... having another set of hands IS a luxury that can be afforded by many expats, so what is so terribly wrong about her using that to her advantage to make her life just a little, if not a lot, easier? if she and one helper take the twins out, then the other helper can stay home and cook/clean...

have you raised twins? do you have any twins in your family? if not, you have no idea how difficult it can be... i have 3 sets of twin cousins...it isn't easy "at home", but you have part-time babysitters, often family & friends that share the "burden" of occasional childcare. i don't know anyone here that offers to babysit for a friend...it isn't done here (that i've seen).

just because things are done differently "at home" doesn't mean that it's better.

funny....i think that being a SAHM in and of itself is a luxury...one i've never been able to afford. (however, i do NOT think that it is for the lazy... it's a very difficult and demanding job.)
Click to expand...


I NEVER made the kind of `blanket statement` you suggested I made, and I resent that you are calling me judgemental and mean. More like it, I asked `point blank` what are the SAHMs doing all day when they have helpers especially 2. I do think it`s a bit extravagant.

And as for `blanket statements` you seem to have pulled a lot about my character/upbringing, assuming I`m some ignorant hick that thinks things should be done the same way as they are `back home`. I haven`t lived `back home` for the better part of 10 years, I`m not coming from `back home` to HK, I`m coming from another country, and before that, from another country, and so on.


Cara, your `rebuttal` (and um, don`t you work, anyway?) takes on too much of a personal note for my liking, and I do NOT want to continue this on this thread.

I`m not one to balk at debate or argument(and I`m happy to commit to my opinion and debate about it), but I do think that if someone wants to personally berate me for my comments/views, they should start a new thread, or send me a PM.
 
after my private apology comes the public one.

i am sorry i came across so harshly. i did not intend it. in my defence, i actually had a part that said it wasn't all aimed at you, but inadvertantly removed it when i was editting and forgot to reintroduce it.

my sincerest apologies, shenzheniffer. it was not intended as it came across and if i could edit it again, i would.
 
I have read the posts and do not think that Carang was making her comments too "personal" and directed at a person (I read that as being a "real" person as opposed to a forum person). She is merely commenting on the remarks made by another poster.

And, I have to agree that (and Shenzhennifer I think inadvertently so would you with comments such as "Sorry, best I bite my cyber tongue, lest I get a cyber slap" and "I`m not one to balk at debate or argument") that your post does sound rather judgmental. As a "stay at home mother" myself, I read the posts as you were implying that I was lazy and I don't have twins but also know how much harder it is to care for two that want to be feed at the same time, don't always sleep at the same times and so on.

Thank you though for keeping the discussion "clean". There are so many "forums" these days that such discussions and comments can not even be made.
 
Marshmallow, unless you have a talk with your 2 helpers and put them on a clear schedule, it won't get better and you'll be the one worrying for their attitude. If they are not ready to make any change and goes on with lies (a lie for me is a break in the trust), then you should think about getting another couple of helpers.
Just make things clear from the beginning, hours, schedule, resting time... just like any employer would do with an employee, having a task list is necessary, on all with 2 people working as a team.
 
FutureHKmom - my helper finishes at around 7pm each night. I make my own dinner and clean up after myself. I don't mind doing it as it's the only real 'work' I do each day.

I can try to constructively reply to what a sahm does with a helper...... Personally I have one morning and one afternon 'off' each week for me. The helper has the kids at this time. I might have a haircut, or pedicure or see the obgyn. This afternoon I'm having high tea! The remainder of the time I'm picking up and dropping off kids to school, taking them to playgroup, swimming lessons, playdates etc or dragging them around with me to get odd jobs done. I do no laundry or cleanng if any kind. I do go to the supermarket and cook the evening meal. Oh, and I prepare my own breakfast and lunch :-)
we do not NEED a FT helper but we can afford oneand it's cheaper than using part time help and babysitters.
My husband and I have a date night every week and generally go out with friends at least one other night. Every year we go away for a weekend without the kids for our wedding anniversary.
My life is great! And I can tell you now that when we have yo leave HK and move back home I'll be arranging a cleaner and regular babysitter first thing!!
 
Cara - Thanks for your apologies.

Oze_kid - actually, parts of her post were aimed directly at me, that`s what I mean by personal. `Balking at debate` has nothing whatsoever to do with being judgemental, don`t know how you read that. I meant that, although I am usually more than willing to participate in debates, I didn`t wish to do so on this thread in a personal way. I`m sorry you interpreted my questioning to meaning you were lazy, but like the other foreigners who also expressed disagreement (or contempt) with my post (which was `What are you all doing during the day?` and I still think it`s a valid question), it seems to be done in a defensive way...perhaps indicative of your guys` arrangements and some subconscious guilt, I don`t know.

Anyway, sorry to PO you SAHMs with DHs. I didn`t realise it was such a sensitive topic.
I shall avoid this and other potentially sensitive topics on this forum from now on.
 
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