Unsympathetic Husband

To thanka2,

Maybe I have not put in into the right words. When I say "change it", I am not saying changing yourself to suit the mean husband who verbally abuses the wife. I meant the wife should stick a positive mind and stay happy for her own self but not digging further into any kind of emotional darkness.

As Carang says, we may have cultural difference when seeking for solution to problems so this is just my opinion, to not feeling anymore negative, to stand up for herself, to make herself happy, and the only way to make this happen, is not to change the other person, is to do things that makes herself happier (by seeing things in a different perspective).

Try to not let the other person upset you. That's what I want to say. If he feels that his verbal abuse does not work to you anymore, eventually he'll lose the interest in doing it again.
 
Fisona,

It's not necessarily true that "he'll lose interest in doing it again." Not being "rewarded" with attention from his negative words may make this husband more upset and he may try escalate the tension to push the wife further.

I still think that what you're encouraging is for her to just "put up with it" and "go to a happy place in your mind" which as a long-term solution is probably unrealistic. It may get you through a few days, depending on what the husband's response is but it's in no way a solution.

Yes, we are all responsible for how we react or respond in a situation but unwarranted verbal abuse that is ongoing should never be tolerated just to "keep the family" together. That concept is quite outdated and the women I've talked with (many in my own family) who "kept the family together" by biting their tongue and just "going to that happy place" really regretted doing so years down the line (and for some it was decades and decades that they did this for).

Yes, there are cultural differences. Think of it this way, though, I am not sure what gender of child you're carrying in your womb right now, but say the baby is a girl. Would you be okay with your little girl growing up, getting married and then having her husband tell her day after day after day after day that she is worthless and could never do a good enough job for him? The little girl that you carried in your womb whom you know has incredible worth as a human being? The little girl you sang songs to and taught so many things to? The little girl whose side you've always been on? Would you stand by and say, "Just don't let it bother you. Just be positive. Just go to that happy place in your mind. He will stop saying mean things if you're just positive toward him." I know I could never stand by and just let my daughter suffer. Any person who would treat my child, or sister, or friend that way needs to be told that he's not so perfect afterall--in fact he's a bully. Maybe he needs to lose a little bit of face because real men don't abuse their wives--whether verbally or physically.

You have to understand, that husbands like this don't verbally abuse always just because it gets the response they want--they just do it because they can--it's a way to exercise their power over another person. This husband is using his partner as his whipping post--where he can take out his aggression and frustration.

I'm sorry, but he needs to grow up and be a man and deal with his problems and not put them off on anyone else.

Again, its not the woman's fault for just being who she is.
 
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I think there is something to Fisona's advice. Not condoning verbal abuse at all- but from what I have read if you really want to stick around for the sake of the kids- you have to muster the fortitude; you can then feel better about yourself INSPITE of her husband and figure out how get him out of your life if/ when you decide. I understand is hard to stop downward spiral but that is exactly what you need to do and perhaps it does mean changing how you handle the situation currently. I would also be concerned at what kind of influence he might be seeing (as they grow up), their mum being always put down.
 
Geomum, how are things? Are you doing OK? Just checking in, and hoping things are a little better for you.
 
geomum, just wanted to know how things are going and whether you have any superhuman tips for me. reading through these threads were like reading a mirror of my life, though my husband is anal about maintaining cleanliness and hygiene.

but the whole demeaning, sarcasm talks, i can relate to. how do you deal with it? i haven't been able to decide where my limit is and whether once he crosses that limit, how do i approach divorce? i wish he would go to counselling with me, but he is too 'manly' to do it and says it's a waste of money.

he is great with my son (when he isn't yelling at him to sleep or be tidy, which is seldom, as it's mostly targeted at me). i want my son to grow up with a father, but i do not want him thinking it's okay to yell mean things at your wife.

my son is in his learning stage, and picks up words quite quickly, twice now my husband has taught him to tell me to 'go away' and that i am a 'evil mom' because i do things differently from how he wants things done.

i don't know if it constitutes emotional abuse, but i definitely think i get verbally abused often. i'm just so used to it now that i don't say anything back anymore, as i don't want to start an argument in front of my son.

what are you doing? how did you do it? i'm just about sick of it. earlier this evening he had a conversation over dinner with his 7 year old niece about how i am a terrible mom and that i let my 21 month old son eat our adult food, and they were chatting like i wasn't even there, and the 7 year old even jokingly said 'i bet xxx will drink soft drinks before he is 3 years old' and he laughed and agreed with her and even encouraged her. i am really sick of him. i let my son try everything, but not soft drinks or chips or fried food!!! I don't think i'm being overly 'free or western' regarding this!

sorry this turned out to be a venting outlet. i just can't decide what i should do next. consult a divorce lawyer? can i handle/afford being a single mom? find a counselor? if i do this and he finds out, he'll use it against me and say that i have 'problems' and that i am a terrible mom, i just know he would.

i would appreciate any tips or suggestions you have...
 
Solidstars,

Apologies for intruding on your post but I wonder have you had a direct conversation with your husband about his appauling behaviour? I would suggest that you sit him down, be direct and say something along the lines of " I am your wife and the mother of your child and I demand respect from you. If you ever speak to me or about me like that again then I will seek a divorce". You mentioned in your post that you just ignore the behaviour now because you dont want to row in front of your child, but I think the fact that your son calls you "evil mum" is something you should be worrying about. He is learning that speaking to his mother like that is acceptable and when he grows older you might find that you are being treated badly by both of them together. Maybe your husband keeps doing this because he feels he is allowed to as you accept it from him.
I understand that it is easy for me to say as I am not going through this but I would never ever accept behaviour like that from my husband, as I would never treat him like that.
Good luck.
 
Suv said:
I think there is something to Fisona's advice. Not condoning verbal abuse at all- but from what I have read if you really want to stick around for the sake of the kids- you have to muster the fortitude; you can then feel better about yourself INSPITE of her husband and figure out how get him out of your life if/ when you decide. I understand is hard to stop downward spiral but that is exactly what you need to do and perhaps it does mean changing how you handle the situation currently. I would also be concerned at what kind of influence he might be seeing (as they grow up), their mum being always put down.
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"For the sake of the kids"---how is it helpful for children to learn that mommies just let daddies treat them like dirt--that's how the world runs? People who stay in abusive (verbally or physically) relationships for the "sake of the kids" are actually mentally and emotionally harming their children and possibly setting them up for years of accepting abuse or even abusing others themselves.

Now, there is a point to be made about couples working through difficulties for the sake of their children but that means the COUPLE works through the difficulties which takes a certain amount of commitment from both parties.

As I've said, after working with women from many socioeconomic backgrounds that were abused by their husbands and eventually left most of them regret most allowing their children to endure the abuse as well--even if the husband never laid a hand on the children or verbally abused them, exposing your children to your own abuse is a type of abuse in itself. One woman who finally left when her husband broke her collar bone told our team, "Why did I accept the beatings? Well, by the time he first hit me he had convinced me verbally that I deserved it--I'd been put down daily for so long." The physical beatings were easier to endure for many of the women than the verbal and emotional abuse. The physical scars heal more quickly.
 
Solidstars, sorry to hear that you are still having issues with you husband about what you feed to your baby.

If you problem is just that he disapprove your baby menu, have you try asking him what he consider the right one for your son? Probably you can both work on something, and you can just stick it to it. As long as it is complete and healthy, and your baby likes it, it may worth a try.

In my case, my baby has eczema, and my hubby is afraid that it may be something on my diet (since I am breastfeeding). He has then forbitted me from eating bunch of stuff. It is anoying, but sometime I think I just don't need to eat that food anyway, so I just don't eat it. Sometime I also do as he says so he would no divert the blame on the cats.....;-)
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the problem is NOT the diet. the problem is that her husband is a bully and he is teaching his young child that it is perfectly acceptable to treat mum as a doormat and to speak unkindly and nastily about her, to her and in front of her.

THAT is emotional and verbal abuse that is about POWER, not about what food she gives the child. her husband ONLY uses the food as an excuse for his behaviour. believe me, if it wasn't the food, he'd be emotionally and verbally abusive about something else.
 
carang said:
the problem is NOT the diet. the problem is that her husband is a bully and he is teaching his young child that it is perfectly acceptable to treat mum as a doormat and to speak unkindly and nastily about her, to her and in front of her.

THAT is emotional and verbal abuse that is about POWER, not about what food she gives the child. her husband ONLY uses the food as an excuse for his behaviour. believe me, if it wasn't the food, he'd be emotionally and verbally abusive about something else.
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fully agree with carang. your husband is a complete a**h*** and it makes me sick to even read about him in your (very sad) message. be absolutely clear that what he does is totally unacceptable and clearly constitutes verbal and emotional abuse.

for the sake of your children's future and for your own benefit, please do seek professional help and do consider divorce as an option. only the threat of divorce has even a remote potential to wake him up and get real.
 
i've already tried the threat of divorce, it doesn't seem to do anything anymore.

i have been clear about the things he says, he doesn't feel like there's anything wrong with it. A while ago he used to call me names like 'stupid' and 'idiot' in Chinese which I told him it's really rude and that even children don't call each other names and he is an adult! So he said 'fine then i will call you a genius', so since then, every time i don't do something his way, i get called a 'genius' with dripping sarcasm.

thanks for all your support, i really appreciate it. surprisingly, i overheard him call the gov family planning to enquire about their marriage counselling services this morning, i was so surprised i almost dropped the book i was holding. Anyways, i'm just hoping that he'll actually go through and attend with me instead of it being all talk...
 
solidstars said:
thanks for all your support, i really appreciate it. surprisingly, i overheard him call the gov family planning to enquire about their marriage counselling services this morning, i was so surprised i almost dropped the book i was holding. Anyways, i'm just hoping that he'll actually go through and attend with me instead of it being all talk...
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Shocking but good to hear:gl:
That's the first positive thing I've read you write about him.
 
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