Fisona, I don't mean to really put you on the spot here, but the advice you gave is dangerous. This "unsympathetic husband" is participating in verbally abusive behavior toward his wife.
e.g. not yet married, working or non-working mum, no longer would they give you sympathy, they may give you some creative ideas or ways, to soothe yourself. No one can change your husband. Don't try to do that. Change yourself.
Fisona, what this woman needs is not "sympathy" or even "creative ideas" on how to "change herself." What she needs is someone to be honest about what her husband is really doing. And she needs resources at her disposal when she finally decides to make the right decision for her and her childrens' mental (and physical) safety. Women have great intuition but we get in trouble when we ignore what our gut feelings are really telling them.
No, she doesn't need to "change herself" because her husband will not accept her as she is and she has done nothing wrong. She does not exist to just make he happy or please him. And he puts her down with names like "lazy" etc.--even if he has that opinion of her he has no right to keep berating her for not doing enough or a good enough job (in his opinion). Isn't one of the first rules we teach our children is to not call people names?!
There is an old saying: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." Completely false. What you are encouraging is for this woman to lie--to act--to put on a "happy face" and pretend that "words will never hurt me." In turn she will be teaching her children that it's okay for people to just walk on you and verbally abuse you and you just "smile and act like it's not big deal." It's one thing when your "enemies" out in the real world are cruel to you and you "turn the other cheek" but if you can't trust your husband with your heart, what kind of place will the home be? It will be an unsafe place for children to learn that love is unconditional and that they will have their mommy and daddy's love and respect even if they don't do everything "right." You can only teach your children by example because actions do speak louder than words.
Trust me, your husband is not that bad. Remember the good things that he's done in the past. Remember that he stayed home all the time. At least your husband stayed home.
And how do you know her husband is not "that bad." How do we measure "that bad" anyway? As Carang said, those emotional wounds sometimes never heal. By your standard the only requirement for being a "good husband" is to have "done good things in the past" (by the way, studies show that most abusers never show their abusive side until after the relationship is either long-term or marriage) or "isn't sleeping around." If a woman is willing to settle for a man that beats her with his words (or fists) but "doesn't sleep around" and/or "did good things in the past" then she is saying to the world, "I'm worth nothing more than this."
I may not be 100% but do give it a try. I am a new-mum-to-be, I got married last Nov. I may not have as much experience as you do but I know that relationship is a two-way things. I have a strong belief in family and do not suggest you to get divorce, I would do anything to save the family.
Fisona, not having much experience as a wife or mother is not the biggest reason why the advice you gave is really off. Please spend some time learning about what domestic violence or family abuse boils down to. The responsibility for the abuse almost always gets put on the victim. ie. "Be a better wife. Just smile. Make the house cleaner. etc." but the truth is its the abusers fault for abusing and the victim is only at fault when they stay.
In closing, many women would do "anything to save their family" including let there husbands verbally beat them into the ground until they can't even hold their head up and allow their children to watch the cycle of abuse in the family continue. And then those little boys and girls grow up and do the same thing with their own families. This is the time to break the cycle and if it takes divorce, then so be it.
Many women have been in abusive relationships and close family and friends encourage her to "Be a better wife" or "Be a happier wife" and she stays in the relationship and it mentally harms her and her children. Sometimes if the abuse is physical, the wife loses her life trying to "make it work."
Divorce should never be taken lightly or jumped into but separation is often the only way to get away from an abusive situation and even then, there are men who "hunt" their wives down and kill them when they leave.
See, abusers are all about control. Whenever they lose control their entire world goes crazy and they snap too. Whether they control with words or their hands or their bank account, they isolate and control.
Below is from a study I helped direct a few years ago. This is a shortened transcript of an interview I did with a woman that gives the basics of her story. There are many more like her. Realize that both verbal and physical abuse are abuse. Also notice the last line highlighted in red.
Ellie:
35 years-old
Married 7 years (together for 9), still married but separated
Mother of 3 children
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didn?t know husband was violent while they were dating
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disregarded warnings of women who knew him (they lived in a small town) because he waited on her ?hand and foot?, she had a ?dream wedding? (still will not throw away wedding pictures)
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they had horrible fights?one time she threw a toaster at him
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she got pregnant right away after marriage and stopped drinking because she felt she ?had to become responsible??he continued drinking (he is an alcoholic)
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husband traveled 6 out of 7 days a week??we had no time to fight?
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she felt that they just had a ?passionate relationship?
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one time they were fighting in an unfinished basement and he tapped her head on the cement floor?only lightly but it really scared her??the power of denial for me has been extremely strong?
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after every fight he was remorseful and she thought that she deserved it because she had said some bad things
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her husband was ?charming, hopeful, an optimistic person??he thought that with the arrival of their second child things would be better
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she wanted to go to counseling
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her husband quit his job after they moved to Montana?she was so angry she threw his stuff out on the lawn and in response he gave her two black eyes and a fat lip?she made excuses for 2 weeks and stayed at home.
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her husband was unemployed for 13 months
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while she was pregnant with their third child he started drinking a lot and demanded to have sex with her 4 times a night??make love not war??once she refused him he beat her and told her ?don?t ever turn me down for sex again!?
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her husband would drag her around the house by her hair and give her injuries no one could see?she was okay with it because she could go around in public
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when she was pregnant she was willing to stand up for herself more
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the violence escalated from once a month to 4-5 times weekly
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she tried to do everything perfect but he would beat her over issues of ?too much cheese grinded up for dinner? and over ?the remote control.?
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her husband beat her in front of her kids
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she lost her front tooth and got that fixed at a cost of $1,200.00
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she wanted to run away
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one night she thought he would kill her?she called 911 and whispered into the phone
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during the abuse she was in contact with his parents who advised her to ?be a better wife and don?t make him angry.?
from:
Open Your Eyes
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