Too attached to helper

M

mayami

Registered User
We are fulltime working parents and try to catch up with our 14 months old daughter in the morning before work or at night if she is awake

My daughter is so attached to the helper that she refuses to come to us and cries till she goes red until the helper does not hold her. This use to happen quite often when she was around 11 months old. My mom was here and all this stopped. Now my mom has gone back and the whole thing starts again especially at night

Practically when I think about it I take it positively, my helper takes utmost care of my daughter and she finds her comforting and soothing
But when I think with my heart, mum inside me is totally shattered. I feel the guilt building inside me, my mind takes a roller coaster ride and various thoughts come to my mind and doubt if I m doing enuf?

Has anyone faced similar thing? How did you deal with it? How long did it take for your Lo to understand? Am I missing something out here, some piece of advise?
 
That's a really hard one. I had to give up full time job and work part time because I was worried about the same thing.

When you say catching up, what exactly do you mean? If working part time is not an option for you then I'd advise that when you are with her, you have to do EVERYTHING.

Helper should be completely hands off during this time, including weekends. Don't have her feed breakfast, change diaperetc and at night try to be the one who comforts her. Initially you may need to do this w helper around you if she is really upset, but with a gradual transition hopefully she will grow less attached.
She will grow to know that when you are around you are the one who will be looking after her.

It is very hard, ESP after a hard days work, but I believe with persistence it's doable.
 
Gemma said:
When you say catching up, what exactly do you mean? If working part time is not an option for you then I'd advise that when you are with her, you have to do EVERYTHING.

Helper should be completely hands off during this time, including weekends. Don't have her feed breakfast, change diaperetc and at night try to be the one who comforts her. Initially you may need to do this w helper around you if she is really upset, but with a gradual transition hopefully she will grow less attached.
She will grow to know that when you are around you are the one who will be looking after her.

It is very hard, ESP after a hard days work, but I believe with persistence it's doable.
Click to expand...

This is exactly how we handle it. Our nanny leaves right after I come home from work. She says "mommy's home, see you tomorrow", to our toddler, finishes what she is doing and leaves. I always get up with our child at night and in the morning (which is early). I do not have our nanny or domestic helper around on evenings or weekends, except for the occasional babysitting in the evening after the kid has gone to bed.
 
some more info would also be helpful - what is your daughter like on weekends when you spend time together without the helper? when you say you spend time in the mornings and some evenings, what is that time like? I was thinking for example that if you come home from work and it's close to her bedtime, and you interrupt the routine to play with her instead of you yourself taking over the routine (bathing, putting to bed, etc), she might be overtired and get upset for that reason. I know from experience - I have kept up our daughter before so my husband could see her before bed, but it backfires because she gets overtired and when he gets back he's still decompressing from work so still checking blackberry, etc, and acting distracted.
 
it's a phase and it will pass.

a child doesn't have a limited capacity heart, they can love, and do love more than just their parents, if allowed. they are not like adults (who tend to "ration" their love to their immediate family and closest friends).

while i can understand your heartache, personally, i would be ecstatic if my kids had the same or a similar bond with our current helper. it would mean that i could trust her alone with my kids for more than a couple of hours at a time.

good luck!
 
I was going to say the same thing as Cara - it is a phase and it will pass. My second child prefers my helper to me and I am happy that he loves her so much because I am often out with my eldest, eg taking him to school or activities. But I know that it is easier for me because he is not my first child - I too would have been upset if it happened with my first!
Posted via Mobile Device
 
Thanks Gemma , Elle, smglobal n carang for replying
She sleeps with us so that moring I can cuddle, pamper her, followed by reading a board book, sing 1-2 nursery rhymes, play peekaboo the whole thing takes approx 20 - 25 mins. I then need to rush to work
Evenings I try to come early but the earliest is around 7.30-8. Come and play with her. She is active till 9 after which all she wants is to be with helper and sleep by 9.30.
I try putting her off to sleep but she keeps peeping from the door crying for the helper. Have noticed when she is too tired n sleepy does more. This happens atleast 3 times a week. On sun it's me all the time and no issue there. It's just when she sees the helper the whole thing starts
 
I will consciously takeover the tasks from my helper ESP once i m back from work and on sats. Hope this phase passes off soon.
 
I agree with the above. If your helper lives in, perhaps you could try the approach of elle above and your helper can say "mummy's home now, night night" when you come home and can disappear to her room or the kitchen for a bit so you can have your daughter all to yourself. It may take some time but she will learn to realise that it is a "tag team" arrangement, your helper is there for her when you are at work and you tag in and take over when you get home.

I can totally understand the heartbreak. I'd feel the same with either of mine as well. I work part time (and am lucky to be able to in my job) so it is less of an issue for us plus my husband is home some of the days during the week so the kids are not often on their own with our helper for long stretches. Even with part time, I still get the Mummy guilt!
 
She will learn eventually. It sounds like you are trying really hard.

Being a working mum is very tough, I think more emotionally than physically you know. At 10 months, when I was holding my son and saying goodbye at the door as I left for work, for the first time he reached out wanting to be held by the helper.

I was in tears all day.
My heart just broke
 
mayami said:
We are fulltime working parents and try to catch up with our 14 months old daughter in the morning before work or at night if she is awake

My daughter is so attached to the helper that she refuses to come to us and cries till she goes red until the helper does not hold her. This use to happen quite often when she was around 11 months old. My mom was here and all this stopped. Now my mom has gone back and the whole thing starts again especially at night

Practically when I think about it I take it positively, my helper takes utmost care of my daughter and she finds her comforting and soothing
But when I think with my heart, mum inside me is totally shattered. I feel the guilt building inside me, my mind takes a roller coaster ride and various thoughts come to my mind and doubt if I m doing enuf?

Has anyone faced similar thing? How did you deal with it? How long did it take for your Lo to understand? Am I missing something out here, some piece of advise?
Click to expand...

It's not an easy situation. The truth is that your daughter is doing what is perfectly normal--she is bonding with her primary care-giver and that happens to be your helper. When your mom was around your mom was spending a lot of time with her too and she bonded with your mom. That shows that your daughter will bond easier with people who spend large amounts of quality time with her and care for her. This gives you hope--there is nothing really "special" about your helper--she just reaps the rewards of extra attention and bonding because she is there to put in the hours of "face-time" with your daughter. This is just how it goes.

At 14-months-old, "catching up" in the mornings or at night "if she's awake" probably won't be enough to "make her understand" that you care about her. The only way to do it is to put in the time. Children are wired and designed to bond with the people they spend most time with--not just the people they are biologically related to. That's how I see it. It doesn't mean you're less important but she is closer with your helper simply because of the time invested. This is where we all have to make hard choices in life and hope that things will turn out okay--sometimes it really is impossible to "have it all" without one area having to suffer some or a lot. It could be a phase but it's too early to say, I think.

But, my daughter is now 15-months-old and doesn't have this issue even though I'm working full-time. But, I don't work until super late at night and she sees me during my lunchbreaks every day and I am with her all day on Saturday and Sunday. It's also individual to the child. I'm also still breastfeeding her several times/day and I credit this for increasing our bond.
 
A big thank you to all. All your valuable advice put in to action worked. I definitely see a change in my Lo. Thanks once again
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top