a new helper in the family

[sandy0741]

I just got a helper in our home to look after my 5 year old boy, it's been two days only and I've already noticed big changes in my son, he's getting more ignorant of not only the helper but also me. It has been several times that the helper instructed my son to do things but he just ignored her and started fooling around. The helper just sat and watched and most of the time, went away to do other work. Like last night, when it was time for bed, he refused to brush his teeth and change clothes, which he did immediately when I told him once before, and I just saw my helper sitting on the chair and let him run around,I went and stopped him and told him strictly he has to do what he's asked to do, first he refused again, but then he listened when he saw me angry.
I was wondering what I should tell the helper to do when it comes to children not obeying, and I think just sitting and ignoring is not going to help. anyone got advice?

 

[carang]

i have been having similar issues with our new helper.

keep in mind, yours has only been with you for 2 days and is probably unsure of how to handle the situation or of how YOU want her to handle it. the only way she will know is for you to tell her explicitly AND show her through your own actions.

your boy is just testing boundaries with her. she needs to know that it isn't allowed and that you will back her if she disciplines him (obviously, she must follow whatever method of discipline you use as a family).

 

[sandy0741]

Yes, but what happen today in the morning when I need to get to the washroom was seeing the helper sitting on the chair with blanket around her, I asked her what happened and she told me she felt cold, I asked her to check the temperature and she has no fever, then she said she is in pain, I told her I need to get to work now, so if she is still sick, see the doctor when my son is at school, but this is worrying to me, I mean you want to have someone to be able to look after your kid when you are at work, but what to do when your helper is like this, people do get sick and I was wondering if she was so serious that she has to sit there and show me with blanket around her body how sick she is, with no fever but just sore throat...... what would you do if you were me?

 

[elle]

1. Regarding how your helper interacts with and disciplines your child, it is definitely your place, and your responsiblity, to instruct her on how to give instructions to, and discipline, your child if he does not listen to her. The range of what people expect their helpers to do in terms of child discipline in Hong Kong is huge (ranging from the child telling the helper what to do to the helper being a respected adult as are the parents, teachers, etc.). You should also continue to play an active role in disciplining your child if he refuses to follow your helper's instructions. Unless he gets a clear message from all adults in the house that your new helper is an authority figure who needs to be obeyed he will likely continue to ignore her or act out.


2. I would accept that she was sick. New jobs are stressful and people are more susceptible to colds and other infections when they are stressed. If it happens frequently once she is settled into your home that is a different issue.

 

[CookieCutter]

This sounds very strange. New helpers usually running around trying to learn and be useful... not in your case, alas. It seems like she is not interested in your child at all and it appears that you work so you cannot keep an eye on her all the time and with no trust I am sad to say it may not work out. My advise, since she is new, sit her down and spell exactly what you want her to do (get a list of all you need want done) , if she does not improve - do get rid of her. First 3 month of employment she is not entitled to any sick time, it is considered sort of probation period, so if it does not work out try to let her go within those first 3 months. Good luck.

 

[Obiwan]

Woah ... To the last para. I do not agree. Treat everyone with compassion. If someone is sick, she is, probation period or not.

 

[Iansg]

This sounds very strange. New helpers usually running around trying to learn and be useful... not in your case, alas. It seems like she is not interested in your child at all and it appears that you work so you cannot keep an eye on her all the time and with no trust I am sad to say it may not work out. My advise, since she is new, sit her down and spell exactly what you want her to do (get a list of all you need want done) , if she does not improve - do get rid of her. First 3 month of employment she is not entitled to any sick time, it is considered sort of probation period, so if it does not work out try to let her go within those first 3 months. Good luck.

Totally agree! I have the same experience as yours! Initially I thought my monster is truly defiant and mischievious. My ex-helper don't bother to talk to him and will just stand or sit when my boy is not listening to her. I have given her specific instructions and even talked to my boy that he has to listen to the helper as she is looking after him. When back from work, my helper have a list of things to complain and when I talked to my boy at night to try to find out why is he not obedient, he told me helper didn't talk to him at all. So this lasted for 1 month. Finally trying all ways of talking to helper and listing down what she needs to do and teaching her what to do, I realised the issue does not rest on my son alone. Helper must have the interest and patience to look after kids, if the helper is not interested, you can tell from her body language and action, she will not try to interact with the kid or even play or joke. She keeps saying its difficult and keep pushing all the blame to my boy that he is naughty. I have also talk to my boy, my boy said helper didn't talk or even want to play with him. He complained that she said its boring playing with him. That is when I decided to get rid of her!