5 Weeks preggers and hubby not excited...

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FishMama

Registered User
Hi all, we've just discovered that I'm 5 weeks pregnant - with our first. It was somewhat planned, but my hubby just doesn't seam excited. He's always been honest with me and said that he may not actually ever want kids, and I've always been honest in that I really want kids. So he's being supportive etc, but has anyone else had the same thing with their OH. A lot of friends say when baby actually arrives he will feel different, but what if he doesn't?....
 
If he doesn't it is something you will need to deal with. My husband was completely disinterested in our child for at least 8 months after she was born. He took off on vacation for almost his entire 6 week paternity leave leaving me home with a newborn. It wasn't until she was really walking and talking a bit that he actually started to do anything with her and as she gets older and is able to communicate he seems to be spending a bit more time with her. But, he still has never given a bath, prepared or fed her a meal, put the baby to bed or changed a diaper.
 
Oh my goodness elle you poor thing my heart really goes out to you.
FishMama, firstly congratulations!!!! With your husband just give him some time and I'm sure he will come round. My husband wanted children but it didn't stopped him from being like a rabbit in head lights when he realized he was going to be a daddy. When you start showing and you go for a scan will help. My husband said he didn't even think there was a baby until he saw the scan and started to see my tummy moving. All he knew was I was throwing up all day every day for three months!
It's hard for the dad as they are kind of on the side line. Try and include him in as much as possible. There ar some great websites for dads to be, give him a bit of time to get his head around the idea he's going to be a dad and then maybe show him the sites. When your further along why not go to a couple of antenatal classes together. Just for a few weeks though try not to bombard him with baby talk etc, I know it's hard as I'm sure you are over the moon and want to scream it from the roof tops. Give him time and I'm sure everything will be fine. Congratulations again and feel free to message me if you ever want a chat.
Good luck with everything : )
 
wow. i can't imagine showing so little interest in the baby once it arrives. i can somewhat understand it when pregnant. there isn't really much for daddy to do... it is all about mumma at that point.

i can safely say that BECAUSE my hubby is such an awesome father, it has made me love him on a whole new level. i can't imagine how i would cope with such disinterest, and i think eventually the child will start to feel it, too.

i don't know what i would do if in elle's position. but i am sure, that i would eventually leave the marriage. but, that is just me and i know it's not the solution for everyone.
 
Elle thanks for your reply, I hope that things get better as your daughter grows older.
Carang/Tasha thank you for your words of encouragement. I know my husband will try and I hope that he does come round. I'm trying not to bombard him with baby stuff and he's being pretty about about it today. He seams a little less spooked today.
Thanks again. We're not telling anyone till at least the 12th week so good to have some place to talk about this.
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I think it is quite hard for the (especially first time) father to comprehend early on. As a woman, you can feel the changes in your body and you suddenly need to think about many things - what to eat, what not to eat, whether to take any supplements etc etc. You may start to feel sickness and other signs - my wife knew she was pregnant at 4 weeks, well before she did the urine test.

From a fathers point of view, the scans and feeling the first kick are the first chance to view or feel the miracle growing inside the mother's womb. Generally I think men are more tactical, more physical and this gives them a better chance to connect. He might also not be wanting to let all his emotions out so early on before the baby really has a chance to get going and carrying to term is not assured.

I wouldn't worry too much about the father just yet, humans are genetically programmed to love their children!
 
My hubby wasn't overly interested in either of my pregnancies - he was happy, but he never really cared that much to feel the baby kick etc. At first it really worried me - but after the girls were born, he has been a really involved and fantastic dad. I think that all guys handle it differently, but what you are going through is not abnormal!! I would be more worried if he was disinterested in the baby once he/she is born (but even then, it can take a guy a while to really adjust to being a dad...)
 
FishMama, I think that I may have been a little too negative with my first post, which I think is about the worst case scenario for a normal guy. Tasha and New Dad's experiences are what everyone told me would happen and with most of my friends with kids they have described what did happen. I must admit that I am jealous of all the doting fathers that I see out with their toddlers on weekends. But, fortunately he is coming around, albeit slowly. Agree with Carang that something does need to change (and it is slowly, which gives me hope) and for now some improvement is better than the alternative of me leaving with the child (which is and always has been an option, but I hope and pray that it won't come to that as I don't really see that making things better for her in the long run).
 
FishMama said:
Hi all, we've just discovered that I'm 5 weeks pregnant - with our first. It was somewhat planned, but my hubby just doesn't seam excited. He's always been honest with me and said that he may not actually ever want kids, and I've always been honest in that I really want kids. So he's being supportive etc, but has anyone else had the same thing with their OH. A lot of friends say when baby actually arrives he will feel different, but what if he doesn't?....
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I think this has to do with mentality... I am 7 weeks pregnant but I am completely not excited about my pregnancy :( I mean this is an accident I am only 25... So mentally I feel really strange as everything will change now ( I was looking forward to have BB etc. before but when things happen I just finally felt the terror）

So from my view, I can understand your hubby's feeling - he is probably shock or sth.. My hubby is very supportive and try to get me involve in my pregnancy(I know it sounds really weird) and now I am actually feeling more comfortable and more involved now. I think getting him to read some books about expecting father (I think sb. has mentioned already) and I think ask your hubby to go to the OB together with you helps a lot (my hubby got so completely excited when he heard the embryo's heart beat yesterday).

Indeed I wasn't excited about being pregnant, but when I saw the embryo yesterday in my belly and heart beating, my heart just melt... Well, I think your hubby will soon get on his role with the right mood.
 
Elle, you have no need to apologise, I'm sorry your in the worst case scenario, but I guess I need to know. I hope that things continue to improve withi your hubby and girl.
 
Thanks all, I'm sure he'll come round. I had my first OBGYN yesterday and he was interested in the science stuff and technical things, so I think he'll get better when he can see things, and feel things.
 
Holy moly Elle!

... I'm speechless. For me that would be serious grounds for a permanent separation! I can understand a guys inability to express excitement, lack of enthusiasm and maybe not really wanting kids, but to be so utterly selfish and unsupportive as to leave after the baby is born!

Men are so over rated!!
 
FishMama said:
Thanks all, I'm sure he'll come round. I had my first OBGYN yesterday and he was interested in the science stuff and technical things, so I think he'll get better when he can see things, and feel things.
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i had the same experience. DH already had 3 kids from a previous marriage but always stated he didnt mind if i wanted a baby but when i told him i was 4 wks pregnant ...... complete silence for 10mins and totally expressionless face. i was really hurt by his reaction but now my baby is 2 half yrs old and the apple of his daddy's eyes - he even told me he can not imagine how boring our lives would have been without our daughter - Our lives now revolve around our daughter and my DH loves bringing her out on day trips and playing hide and seek with her - so dont despair - his heart will melt once he sees the baby - they all do!:lovedface:
 
same here. my husband never went to a prenatal class with me nor shopping for baby stuff. when she was born he refused to stay in the birthing room (he's scared of blood) Anyway when baby was born, he never fed, changed a diaper or bathed my baby and she is now 3yr old. He does not even know which milk powder she drank or even where it is! - It doesnt mean he is a bad father, just he thinks this is a woman's job - he keeps saying his responsibility is to bring in the money to pay for the milk powder! - fair enough - so really it depends on how involved you want him to be and how involved HE wants to be - which is 2 separate thing! Sometimes i really envy my friends with husbands who were at their beck and call when they were pregnant and who husbands were reading books and getting involved in the pregnancy - most of the time i was by myself.
 
My husband is a fantastic dad and whilst he couldnt really feel the bonding as i did when i was carrying our little one, he was really into the "transport" side of things. He's into cars himself (a men thing I guess) and did loads of research into prams, car seats and baby carriers. If your husband is into that sort of thing perhaps yu can see if he is interested in that? perhaps you
 
baby09 said:
same here. my husband never went to a prenatal class with me nor shopping for baby stuff. when she was born he refused to stay in the birthing room (he's scared of blood) Anyway when baby was born, he never fed, changed a diaper or bathed my baby and she is now 3yr old. He does not even know which milk powder she drank or even where it is! - It doesnt mean he is a bad father, just he thinks this is a woman's job - he keeps saying his responsibility is to bring in the money to pay for the milk powder! - fair enough - so really it depends on how involved you want him to be and how involved HE wants to be - which is 2 separate thing! Sometimes i really envy my friends with husbands who were at their beck and call when they were pregnant and who husbands were reading books and getting involved in the pregnancy - most of the time i was by myself.
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I am sorry to hear that, but sounds like you are dealing with it. I don't doubt my husband is a good man and I love him more than anything, just hope that if we get to that point we can make it. Good luck to you.
 
funny, i used to love my husband "more than anything"... then i had kids. while i still love my husband to bits, NOTHING compares to the love of a mother for her child/ren. i didn't realise that until i had kids.
 
carang said:
funny, i used to love my husband "more than anything"... then i had kids. while i still love my husband to bits, NOTHING compares to the love of a mother for her child/ren. i didn't realise that until i had kids.
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Couldn't agree more!
 
elle said:
If he doesn't it is something you will need to deal with. My husband was completely disinterested in our child for at least 8 months after she was born. He took off on vacation for almost his entire 6 week paternity leave leaving me home with a newborn. It wasn't until she was really walking and talking a bit that he actually started to do anything with her and as she gets older and is able to communicate he seems to be spending a bit more time with her. But, he still has never given a bath, prepared or fed her a meal, put the baby to bed or changed a diaper.
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This makes me feel really sad. Sad for you. Sad for your child and sad for your husband. No one wins with that type of situation.
 
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