What do you wish you'd known?

1

1sttime2011

New member
Hi everyone, I'm new to this thread and planning to start trying for a baby next month.

I was just wondering if there was anything you wish you'd known/done/not done *before* you got that little blue line?
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Parenting is HARD!

I felt it was a dirty little secret no one had really clued me in on till I had my own, but parenting is A LOT harder than anyone ever tells you!
 
the thing is, people probably did say, it's the hardest thing in the world... but until you ARE a parent, you don't really understand.
 
Make sure u enjoy the most amazing journey ever!!

Be relax about getting pregnant. Easy for some but difficult for some. I remember for a while I was like 'oh no not pregnant again this month...' and got so disappointed every time period started. Pressure to yourself (and your partner) doesn't help~

Start taking folic acid and do consult a doctor. Pre-pregnancy check could be good. We did that and I started taking folic acid but at some point I stopped as thought 'going down the drain' and only restarted taking it after I found out I was pregnant...

Meet up with mums to be once u got pregnant. Great to have girlfriends to support each other along the way. Potentially after giving birth the babies could become baby buddies too! I was on the move while pregnant so was a bit on my own.

Would be good to start discussing with your partner the preferred parenting style, roughly where u're going to be in the next 3-5-10 years and lots of topics u might normally just leave it. 2 persons living together is an art already and to be able to bring up a baby together needs total honesty and open communications.

So far we have fun and tears and frustrations and excitement and this and that. It's not a guaranteed pain free smooth journey but it's so worth it. Feeling the life in my belly grew and grew, and the pain and the sheer joy when the baby popped out, and witnessing our child grows taller and taller and babbles 'mama' and 'baba' and more...

Good luck and enjoy!
 
Oh just remember I was so guilty when I found out I was pregnant because I happened to have drunk exceptionally loads of wine over new year's eve which was just about the time I got pregnant or was already pregnant. You never know when you'll be blessed with a baby so keep that at the back of your mind~
 
Parenting (at least at first) is usually not like the image you get from the parenting magazines where everyone is smiling happily and mom has her hair done and has clean clothes on and looks fresh and put together. Parenting has the potential to crumble and humble a person--bringing them to their knees. I think it has the potential to strip away a lot of things that we believe about ourselves and really reveal who we really are and our real weaknesses. Parenting is extremely difficult because it means become less selfish day-by-day. It is especially difficult if you are trying to be a conscious parent--not simply going through the motions. Parenting puts a huge strain on your body and your relationships with others--especially your partner.

But, the early days go by quickly. My son is already 3 1/2 and over 100 cm tall and I just look at him and think, "How did you get to be so big? You were a baby just a few months ago!" I think this comparison has become even more obvious when I look at his 3-month-old sister.

So, do your best to try to stay sane and get the good things out of the brief time they are really small. Also, do not be ashamed to ask for help because you will probably need it. Be willing to have a realistic view of yourself and do what you need to do in order to be the healthiest you--mind, body and soul.
 
My advice would be not to underestimate how tough the first few weeks can be, for both you and your partner. Put some support structures in place before the delivery to help. Some of the things we did - flying my mother-in-law over - have worked out well but this is obviously dependent on personal circumstances.

Make a lot of frozen meals in advance, because cooking isn't going to be high on your priority list. Clean your apartment well (nesting!!) and consider hiring a maid to come in a clean a couple of times a week on a part-time basis.

There is a lot of good advice on the baby websites, read them in advance and work out what is practical and applicable to you and get it organized ahead of time. I would also recommend you discuss a rough (and has to be flexible) outline of who does what (feeding, cooking, cleaning, early morning feeds) when you are both rational and thinking clearly.

Some (all?) babies really do need an incredible amount of attention in the first few weeks and it can be physically and emotionally draining for both parents.
 
My advice before you get pregnant would be to cherish the last few days/weeks/months where you can just enjoy life without having to be responsible for another human being! TV programmes, films etc show pregnant women glowing and wandering around without a care in the world but this is not the case at all! The moment you see those blue lines appear, you are responsible for somebody else for the rest of your life and with this responsibility comes a lot of worry!

In my experience the first few weeks were hard once I found out i was pregnant because until you get that first scan you worry about symptoms or lack of symptoms, whether or not to tell people before scan etc, which doctor to choose, which hospital to deliver in. Then you worry in between every scan after that. Once the baby starts moving you are counting kicks etc. In the back of your mind always is the worry about the impending labor and birth experience!

Then once they are born the fun begins! You worry about feeds, poop, temperatures, sneezes, reflux, bottle or breast, feeding, weaning,cloth or disposable diapers, sleeping etc. Then when they get older it is schools, friends, activities, travel, holidays etc and so it goes on and on and before you know it your child is 7 and you realise that in that 7 + years you can honestly say that you have never really had a decent nights sleep since you saw those two blue lines!

I have two children and absolutely adore them and I would not change a thing about the experiences we have had so far and it had been an absolute joy to have them in my life. I learn something new about them and myself every day and it is so much fun to watch them grow, reach all their milestones, see their little personalities develop etc but I wish somebody had prepared me for the worry because I would have slept for a few months before getting pregnant!

Good luck!
 
thanka2 said:
Parenting (at least at first) is usually not like the image you get from the parenting magazines where everyone is smiling happily and mom has her hair done and has clean clothes on and looks fresh and put together. Parenting has the potential to crumble and humble a person--bringing them to their knees.
Click to expand...

Couldn't agree more with you thanka2. After my baby born, for the first 6 months I look like a mess. I think I still do now. LOL
 
Oh...and on a funny/serious note...take some snapshots of your breasts (and possibly tummy) for posterity because they will never look the same after you go through pregnancy and breastfeeding (if that's your plan). Seriously, I read this on a pregnancy blog when I was early in my first pregnancy and kind of laughed at it but now, I wish I had--at least I could look back and say, "Oh, that's what they used to be like."
 
In addition to what all the others mentioned, you might want to look into your current health insurance to make sure it covers maternity. Depending on whether you want to go public or private, the pregnancy check-ups, scans, etc. as well as the birth itself can cost a lot of money and it's very difficult to estimate how much it will be in total, so it's definitely recommended to have insurance which covers most, if not all, of it. In my case, for instance, I went private and planned to have a "3-day natural birth" package, but instead I had a "5-day emergency caesarian section" package plus "after normal operating hour" surcharge and ended up paying A LOT more than what I expected. Luckily for me, my insurance paid for everything.

Other than that, try not to worry too much and enjoy this incredible time in your life. Good luck!
 
Thanka, love your last post...yup! Never the same. After my first, I didn't get stretch marks and now after number 2, they look pretty ugly, yes they fade, but yup, never the same. LOL...Enjoy everyday before the blue line appears. There are so many stressful moments after it appears. It's all worth it, but yes, so much to think about once baby starts growing in your belly. I'm just happy when I remember to wash my face and brush my teeth in the morning before everyone needs attention...lol
 
A bit of a different response to the others on here.... I wish I had known how common miscarriages are. In my mind blue line=baby in eight months. But that wasn't the case in my first pregnancy and it came as a devastating shock. However, I then went on to learn that early miscarriages are extremely common (something like 1 in 5) and pretty much everyone I spoke to had had one or knew someone that did- something they had never shared until it happened to me. Hopefully it doesn't happen to you (or you might not even realise it did) but if it does, try to remember it's nature's way of only going ahead with healthy babies. And most importantly, remain close to your partner and maintain good communication between you- it's a very tough time but you'll get through it and you'll find yourself smiling over another blue line soon enough ;-)
 
I think the biggest 'shock' for us was the total and complete loss of 'flexible time'. The freedom to see a movie, read a book, or to go on a trip, or do anything 'on a whim' is significantly diminished once you have a child. Sure, if you add up all the time I have to read a book a day it could still be an hour or two, but it comes in 5-10-15 spurts spread across multiple hours a day. It's kind of like switching from a solid 8 hours of sleep to 8 hours of sleep with multiple interruptions throughout the night (something else I wasn't quite ready for either).

This loss of flexible time has also caused our relationships with non-parenting couples to suffer somewhat. They cannot understand why we can't just meet them '45 minutes later than planned since they had something come up'. Or why we won't join them on a whim for some great Thai restaurant they just found. Time management becomes far more important when you have so much less of it.
 
Thank you all, you've given me a lot to think about. I have to admit as a naturally anxious person I'm not looking forward to all the extra worrying, but I'm sure it will be worth it :)
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thanka2 summerized it beautifully! I think the only other things I can add is that you discuss with your husband what type of responsibilites you expect after the baby is born. Like: will your husband be available for breaks for you because the baby will need you much more initially; who will get up in the middle of the night; cook dinner; clean; etc. It is a lot of work and quite an adjustment but it is SO WORTH IT! When it got tough, what helped me was that I told myself "this is only a stage" and it got much better. I am quite a worrier too and got really anxious when I first got pregnant. Wondering if this is really what I want, am I going to be a good mother, what will the baby be like, can I really handle this? Now, I look at my daughter all the time and think about how lucky I am. Enjoy your opportunity to be apart of someone who will always look up to you and will have a special place in their heart for you.
 
- People will tell you not to wish away the first 6 mths as that's the best bit. This is not true. Babies are SO much easier and more interesting once they can entertain themselves a bit, even if their mobility means you need to watch them all the time.

- With parenting, just do what works and don't get railroaded into following parenting philosophies wholesale. Don't make anyone make you feel bad about not attachment parenting or, at the other extreme, not following a routine to the letter. Most mums I know do bits of each as suit them best and what suits you will change as the baby changes. eg. When DS was tiny, it didn't suit me to have a routine as I wanted to be flexible about when I did things. Now he's older, I find a nap and meal routine is really helpful.

- You cannot have too many muslin cloths

- Prepare for the birth but don't stress about it. Whatever you do, don't get yourself into the state that some of my gf's did where if they didn't manage a drug free experience they'd "failed".

- Dont go crazy and by every single thing in B2B. Small babies need very little. A couple of rattles and some onesies/sleeper suits. Do not spend a lot on newborn clothes. They will not be worn. The multipacks from Mothercare and M&S are the best as they wash well and are cheap.

- Sling or pushchair? The answer is invariably both!

HTH
 
the more you stress about it, the harder it becomes....

be it:
feeding
birth
pregnacy
# of nappies
what to buy
what not to buy

it applies to each and every situation, in my experience.
 
I agree with what Carang just said. Reading through this thread, there is SO much that I disagree with, in terms of what motherhood is like, what things are important, etc... everyone is so different. Don't stress about it all :)

Personally, I think enjoy the stage of life that you are in NOW so that if/when you have kids, you have no regrets about "I wish I did xyz before having kids". Enjoy your husband and friends, enjoy your YOU time. When you have kids, everything gets stretched a little thinner and it can be harder to make time for those other things. Kids take up a LOT of time.

I didn't find the transition to motherhood particularly difficult. I think for me, it was easier because I have a sister who is 16 years younger than me. I remember her infancy well! In fact when my daughter was born, I remember thinking "isn't it meant to be harder than this???" However that's not the norm. I was blessed with an easy child as well as realistic expectations. I know many women really struggle with the transition. BUT I don't think it's worth worrying about it TOO much because sometimes it's not THAT bad...

I think it is always good to be prepared, but it is even better to be relaxed about it and to be able to take things in stride :) Enjoy your life as it is now, and if/when you have kids, enjoy them too - and everything else will work itself out :)
 
I'm with Nicole Joy. I don't have a much younger sibling like her but i did have realistic expectations that my life would change and it has. But for every negative there are multiple positives. I have two very easy going children but then both my husband and I don't get stressed too easily either. Enjoy what you have now and cherish the freedom but having children doesn't stop you doing things, although it may well take more planning, organisation and work it also opens up a whole new world.....
 
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