Desperate for advises and comments from other people!

[constancefaith]

Hi, I would like to firstly thank you in advance for spending your time reading this thread as I am about to describe my family's current situation and it WILL take a while.

The question is - Should I stay in Hong Kong or move back to Australia (SYDNEY)

I am 21, my husband is 23 and our daughter is 15months old. We are both still studying in HKU and will not graduate until at least 4-5 years later (He does architecture and I'm studying LAW).
We are living in one of my parents' house in the New Territories, and my parents visits every day and stays until ten or eleven in the evening.
My husband and I both works in one of my mother's company and altogether we're only getting $20,000 per month.
We don't pay for rent, food, our 4 helpers, gas, car insurance etc., electricity, water, internet etc. etc. The only expense we have is our daughter's diapers, formula, snacks, clothing, let's wrap up by saying our daughter's stuff.
Although I am working under my mother's company, I really just stay at home and look after my daughter and occasionally help out with paper works and such.
Husband goes to work Monday to Saturday 9am-6pm and school from 7pm-10pm.
I take care of daughter and goes to school 2 nights a week only.

Now, obviously you already think there's A LOT of problems but it's really endless
- Husband and I argue a lot, over money and my family (They get along, but when he doesn't treat my parents the way I want him to, I flip. Especially when he doesn't do the things my parents tell him to do, he says he forgets.)
- We're living under my parents, and although we're both Australian born Chinese, I still have that strong Asian belief in me which is - the MAN never, ever uses the wives family's money and he's living UNDER them.
- My mother always spoils our daughter, which is fine at times BUT not all the time
- I feel because I have all the help available around the house, I became 'lazy' in taking care of my daughter
- Financially, we can't survive in Hong Kong. Although my parent got my daughter in Victoria education, how can we survive on paying 6K a month when we're only earning 20k?

Now, we lived and studied in Sydney before 2009 July. I decided to come back to Hong Kong to give birth to my daughter as my family is here to take care of me (His family does not pay a cent for/to us, help out in any sort of way). Initially we were going to leave Hong Kong back to Australia when our daughter turns 3 months old. We stayed until now. And recently we went back to Sydney for a trip, and we LOVED it. Just the three of us, our rules, our time together and doing things OURSELVES.

I still have an apartment in Sydney, it is a 2bedroom 2bathroom duplex near the city. Husband and I have been talking about moving back, but the only problem (he thinks) is studies. He's not sure he can get into architecture in Sydney and I probably won't be able to continue my law studies if we go back due to no help.
Financially, we'd be able to apply for government funds which is approximately $200p/w AUD if we're lucky? But husband will have to work full time and study at night again, but much worse because we don't have any help!

We've concluded that Sydney is a much suited place for our daughter to grow up in, environment, people, lifestyle. But financially, we're not so sure... and I don't feel comfortable leaving my parents here in Hong Kong (They won't move back any time soon).

Ideally, we move back to Australia. But I would love to hear advises and comments from other people's point of view.

Thank you SO MUCH again for reading this. We are so stuck, it's been so depressing for the both of us.

I appreciate all sort of comments. THANK YOU!

 

[TheQuasimother]

You do realise
(a) how lucky you have it here in HK?
(b) how expensive Sydney is even if you don't have to pay rent/mortgage?
(c) it is very hard to look after a bub without a helper, grandparents, etc. and study?

I don't think your marriage will survive given all that support you are used to in HK! You're only bickering about your husbands' behaviour and this is based on your own personal beliefs (and that is with all the support in the backdrop). Sydney was a holiday. Imagine doing it on your own day in day out. I have friends who are way more settled financially and they find it hard without family support (in Sydney)! You have it really good compared to most. Sounds like you're from a very wealthy family and unless your parents are going to financially support you in the same manner, issues WILL crop up in Sydney between yourself and your spouse.

Without the same financial support from your family, I'd say give Sydney up for now. Finish your studies then, move back when you're both qualified. Give your misery a little perspective and time. Visit Tin Shui Wai and see how misery really is like. Speak to any young couple there.

However, if you parents are happy to support you in the same manner, then it's obvious isn't it?

 

[constancefaith]

Thank you for your reply QM.
I do realize I am extremely lucky to have my parents supporting us three, but that is the problem. Husband's ego, self-esteem, whatever, is killing him inside out. He's relying more and more on my family and me to the point he won't even check his own emails and expects me to wake him up every single morning to go to work! He, on average, is late to work at least 2-3 times a week and is late for at least 30mins.

I feel like our marriage is already going downhill in Hong Kong because we don't have our say, we're not living our life. Husband and I never argued before until we moved to HK to live with my parents.

I know I may sound pathetic, but I do want to do everything by myself, and learn to be one of those moms who does everything. I know it will be hard without help, but I'm sure other moms get used to it.

Husband wants to support the family, which I know is extremely hard but our lives are miserable here in Hong Kong. We hate it here so much, we stay at home every day unless we have to go out for dinner with family.

Your suggestion is ideal too, moving back until we have qualification.. that's not another 4-6 years though!

 

[TheQuasimother]

I came to HK to work and hubby has taken a backseat for the last 4 years. I do understand what it does to a man's ego. I almost lost my marriage but we worked through it after getting A LOT of perspective and found A LOT of right support by surrounding myself with a lot of 'right friends'. And we've been in a good place for a good while and before we know it, we'll be leaving HK! LOL! At least I hope too!

Could you coax your husband to rise above it all? Ego is just ego. It's not easy for a man to lose his 'manliness' and to be able to support a family is a huge part of that. You need to give A LOT more way and appreciate him for what he can do here based on the circumstances here. Marriage Counseling helps and so does lots of date nights dreaming about the future. How about the two of you try that since you have a lot of help at home? 4 years go by in a blink! Honest! Just try to fill them up with positive experiences.

 

[banane76]

It sounds like you and your husband would be much happier in Australia. It will be hard work without your family's financial support, but I think it sounds like your lives would be much more balanced in Australia. Your family can come and visit you since it's not too far away.

 

[carang]

honestly, i don't think you have to go to sydney for your husband to feel "like a man"...between you, you earn $20k/month.... take your child out of the expensive kindergarten (if you want or let your parents continue to pay for it)...move out on your own. you can hire ONE helper based on your wages. find a cheap flat and become your own family.

if you allowed your parents to pay for your daughter's schooling and you got a helper, you would have about $15k/month. you could find a small flat for about $4k/month, which leaves you $11k/month. if you spend $2K on your daughter's needs and $5K on food, you still have $4k/month left over for phone, utilities etc. it WOULD be tight, but that is what life is supposed to be like when you are 21 years old. you COULD get a "real" job and not "work" for your mother to earn more than that.

i think part of the problem is that you are both so young. you've never really supported yourselves, right? i'm guessing that your parents bought the place in sydney for you? you will feel so much better about yourselves if you start to take care of yourselves and your daughter.

i think you should forget about sydney. you were on holiday.... real life is VASTLY different. i would move out on your own here FIRST, so that you have family there to support you BUT only if you are in dire straights. otherwise, you two need to make lives for yourselves and for your family.

 

[constancefaith]

QM, I totally get what you're saying. Problem is, hubby hates the locals (he was raised in Sydney). He doesn't have ANY friends at all... neither do I really, close ones that is. We can't make friends in school, at least not the ones you can really call a 'good friend'. Hubby's brother is here in HK too, but he lives in mid-levels and he's not that close to him anymore which kills him too.

banane, I wish I could guarantee that we will be happy in Australia. I would just go for it... but I am also worried about finance causing us arguing endless as well. I do want more kids but, WHEN is the right time to? I should focus moving back or staying here...

Carang, I recently bought an apartment under mortgage in the Gold coast. It is approximately 1000sq, which is plentiful for hubby, me, and baby plus helper.
I would love to 'take my kid out of expensive kindies' but, you see, my family has expectations. I was raised only in private schools and they expect me to do so for my daughter. And, to be honest, Hong Kong does make me feel like I have to "brand" and "label" my daughter to 'FIT IN'. It makes us all more materialistic too!

We can move to our gold coast apartment, I can start a business with my sister, but by the time hubby graduates uni. Will we still go back then?

I left home when I was 17, went back to Sydney and went to college. I stopped using my family's money since then, until after we got engaged, I turned 19 when I found out I was pregnant and my mom bought that apartment for us... I feel really, really bad as it is already. I should be taking care of my parents, not the other way around... Anyhow, I get what you mean though.. I never expected my husband to be able to afford a wife and a daughter at the age 23 and study at the same time. I just didn't expect his family to rely on my family for everything.

I will discuss with hubby and tell them what you have all said, they were good advises. I hope we can conclude what we're going to do next soon because being out-of-control when you're a mom sucks...

 

[mummymoo]

You've fallen into a pattern a great number of local families follow, which is that financially they are very dependent upon their parents for their standard of living and as such suffer more or less from the side effects of this (loss of self esteem, loss of control, slipping into a 'fugue' state) as well as enjoying the benefits of more financial security, an ability to save or spend more than they would if they had to try and make it on their own.
I have met a number of locals (through my husband) who although enjoy their drivers, helpers, fabulous holidays, hermes bags ect that are not that happy with their lot (some are in their 40s), but I guess happy enough that they don't try and change it. For the wife, if she is being supported by the in-laws, her ability to manage her own home the way she would wish is really controlled by the MIL (I mean Chinese MILs are pretty controlling, from my experience anyway, I can only imagine what it must be like when they are paying for everything other than your own discretionary spending), to the point where the MIL has keys to their home, comes and goes when she pleases to see the grandchildren, spoils at will, is very openly critical of the wife, controls when the family will come to dinner, lunch ect. For situations where the husband is being supported by the family, whether intentionally or not, and I think this may be a cultural thing, they are made to feel small and the ego takes quite a bruising....especially if he is thought to have no prospects. Also they are criticised relentlessly.
Only you yourself know the situation in your home, whether your parents support is done with a truly good nature or whether they make either you (more tolerable as you are their daughter) or him 'pay' for it. This can eat away at someone over time. There is something to be said for being able to live autonomously, and believe me, even amongst family (especially in this town....yes, I'm pretty cynical) nothing is free. About the feelings you have where he is living under your parents, is it that you feel this or that your parents mention it, or have taught that to you? Also how do you know he doesn't do what your parents ask of him, do they rat on him on a regular basis?
I mean to be quite frank, I think he is really trying hard to pave the way for your family's future....he works full time, studies at night, is allowing his pride to take a beating....which is, and this is hard to say, more than you are doing. A family is a team, everyone has a role, perhaps you can try and speed things up by studying full time if you are not doing much with your daughter, around the house whilst he does the 'grunt' work of supporting the family. Or else, turn down some of your parent's generosity, so that you get used to looking after your daughter and home within your own means.....it will make you feel stronger and better I think, and you'll feel you'll be able to have more a say in your own home.
At the end of the day 4-6 years as QM said is not a long time, you just need to bide your time and not allow the pressures to break up your little family especially if you still love your husband and I'm sure you love your child.
I'm not trying to be harsh on you, just speaking it as I have observed it here. You have a way out but you need to think carefully about what you are trading in and for what.

PS About the school for your daughter, I had similar situation, not about school but about extra curricular activities, which I felt where too expensive (but which I could easily afford but didn't feel justified the cost) where the in laws were campaigning for, trying to make me feel bad as all the other grandkids were going, they were happy to pay, hinting I may be putting my child at a disadvantage.....well I rebuffed all this, and just organised my daughter to the best of my knowledge and ability, and within my financial constraints, and with my support every night, and she is doing fine, so don't fall into this trap of keeping up with the Jones (and there is a lot of this here!)

 

[carang]

screw what your parents say.... this is YOUR daughter!

i'm sorry, this is going to sound harsh, but you need to grow up. you are a married woman and a mother now. you need to start acting like one. you need to move out and make a life for yourselves. otherwise, it might not be much of a marriage in 5 years time.

 

[mummymoo]

One further point, it is not HIS family's obligation to support him, you and your daughter. It is both your obligation, so the sooner you get that thought out of your head......he is feeding off your family with no help from his family.....the better your relations will be......don't you realise, your internal dialogue gets enacted in every thought, word and deed, and is affecting your relationship.

 

[carang]

agree... you two should be supporting yourselves... not sponging off of either of your families...

tough love 101... sounds like both of you need a dose of it.

 

[constancefaith]

Also they are criticised relentlessly.

This is so true. My family supports and loves my husband very much, at least I think so. They do criticize him, little things like - laziness, forgetfulness, reliant, not ambitious as other 'fathers and husbands' should be... etc.

My hubby admits himself, that my parents actually cares, looks out for him, loves him more than his own parents ever did (They never had a good relationship).

And I do admit, the way I think towards my family supporting us is "not the way it should be" is very Asian and traditional. It is the way we both believe actually. For centuries and centuries, it has been the husband's family's responsibilities for the male's family because the women takes onto the husband's surname and of course the children. I know it's the 21st century, but in relatives, friends and families' eyes... My husband is being a "unless man who uses woman's money".
For myself, I know this is temporary and my husband appreciates but doesn't want it to be this way if he had a choice.

Staying under one of my parents house was never our intention, hence why I bought an apartment. I know I am childish for wanting to stay at home and take care of my daughter while getting paid doing very little. It's very hard to leave my daughter... I don't want to miss out on her little things.

"your internal dialogue gets enacted in every thought, word and deed, and is affecting your relationship." I realize! And you bring up a very good point.
I prioritize pride very much since I was little, and I feel ashamed living under my parents. I can get a job and stop working for my mom, but it's kind of a lose lose situation.

My mom needs someone to deal with all of her stuff, which is personal because she does antiques. She doesn't trust other people dealing with her paper works. There are no one left except for me who she trusts and can help her.
At the same time I can stay at home, looking after my daughter.

I guess I can get a full time job or part time AND deal with my mom's stuff. I just need to be rational and mature up to stop wanting to stay at home with my daughter.

Please don't say you're being harsh, it's the truth. I know it myself but I just can't bear the thought of going to work and leaving my daughter behind with a helper.

Thank you very much you all. I have already talked to hubby over the phone about what you have all said and it really helps us with thinking "realistically". We will discuss further when he arrives home.

But I must say, having a driver and helper does make life a lot easier... and lazier too.

 

[jvn]

Firstly, I don't think there's many people reading this thread and not thinking '4 helpers!!!' - that's insane, there's not enough work for me and one helper to do with a 17 month old to look after so no wonder you feel a bit pointless, maybe bite the bullet and get some real work experience or study full time to finish sooner.

Actually, same with your husband, why not make a proper arrangement to borrow money from your parents which you will pay back once you are employed - there's dignity in that arrangement and it makes sense not to pay interest to a bank if you don't have to, then you can both study full time, finish sooner and join the workforce proper.

As for all the expensive schooling, how did your parents pay for yours, did they rely on their parents or did they scrimp and save - either way you need to talk to your husband and agree with him (not your parents) what you want to do, try to both get better paid jobs to support your daughter, borrow, or not send her.

I don't really think your alternatives are here or Sydney at the moment, Sydney sounds like a rich girls fantasy of running away not a real plan - if you want to make it real then you need to stop speculating, decide if completing your studies where you are is the most important thing, properly research studying there and send your cv's out to companies, see if you can actually get jobs and what they'll pay and see if you can plan and budget the move properly - until you do any of that it's just pie in the sky.

Sorry if I sound a bit harsh, it's very difficult to be sympathetic to a complaint that is essentially "we have too much free money being handed to us" but I do understand that this is how you were probably brought up and I respect your desire to break off an be independent as a family.

It sounds like you have a problem with your your family being dependant on your parents and blame your husband? Sorry if I've misinterpreted that but that's the part of your post I have the least sympathy with, it actually sounds downright unpleasant (and convenient) that you are clinging to such a gender stereotype when you have had access to rights and education that women could only dream of in times when those sort of prejudices were common, and don't say it's Asian, you're and intelligent, educated woman not a victim of your race and culture. You've both made a decision to take this money and you both need to take responsibility for it.

 

[carang]

not many mothers WANT to go out to work and leave their children in someone else's care. but the facts of life sometimes dictate that it is necessary. i don't WANT to leave my kids, but i need the money, so i do. there ARE ways to work things out, but i really think that you are hiding from "real life" by living the way you are. you will NEVER have your own family if you don't make a change.

why not either take more classes so that you are studying full-time and thereby shorten your timeline or continue to study part-time and get a real job?

you said it was a lose-lose situation if you go out to work.... EXCEPT that you are not "winning" right now, are you? you and your husband are arguing, you are relying on your parents for ALL of your financial obligations, you are leaving the parenting to the helper, you are NOT happy with the situation.... please tell me: HOW is THAT winning?

 

[thanka2]

I lived with my Chinese parents-in-law (I'm not Chinese) for about 6 months in a tiny apartment. That was when we were first married--I was 23 and my husband was 25. Six months was enough! We chose to move out simply to become independent. At the time we had been married one year and I was 5 months pregnant with our first child and my husband was making $10K/month and our rent was $6K/month. We literally lived in a room--not an apartment--our flat was one room with a shower curtain separating the toilette. I look back on those hard times with fondness and wonder how we survived. That time taught me that we don't need as much as we think we do. We were really living on love.

I love my parents-in-law although they are not well-off like your parents seem to be (4 helpers?! what?!) but there was a time for us to live with them and then a time for us to leave. My husband worked for his father's company for four years and even then he always felt he was "living off of" his parents (even though, I never saw it that way as he worked very hard and had to spend considerable time away from the family working in Mainland China). My husband left that stable income and position this year in August because he felt it was time to really "stand on his own feet."

I am 8 months pregnant with our second child. Our 3-year-old is in a local kindergarten and we receive the government subsidy so we pay $800 HKD/month for a great education for him (and it is really a great school). Every HK person has the potential to take advantage of this subsidy--it's one of the few tax breaks that the government actually gives to young families. My husband has only been able to work part-time at nights since August--he doesn't bring in much money but for him he finally feels free and he also feels like "a man." This is worth more to us than a stable wage, honestly because our relationship is so much better now. He's not depressed even though he makes probably less than 1/4 of the income he made before for almost as much work.

I work full-time and am extremely tired because of pregnancy and then looking after my son if I'm not working. I make a pretty normal civil servant's salary. We have to watch every single dollar that we make and budget really well. I will go on maternity leave at the beginning of March and will not receive maternity pay for 10 weeks. For the past 4 months we have had to save every single dollar we can so we can survive (pay rent, pay utilities, food, education, public transport etc.) while we are not bringing in any income this Spring. We haven't had a holiday outside of Hong Kong in two years (last time we got a free trip to Taiwan for 3 days) and I have not been able to return to my home country to see family for two years because the cost was too high and we didn't have the money. We don't eat out very much and when we do it's nearly always local and cheap food. We don't have any luxuries. We live in a very affordable place although it is not so convenient and close to the city. We walk a lot. We take the bus. We don't have a car.

But, above all, our home is OUR HOME. It might not be much by other peoples' standard but it's OUR PLACE. You will never know peace until you really go home to your OWN HOME that you pay for with your OWN MONEY and your OWN HARD WORK at the end of the day.

So, you have to decide what you REALLY WANT. By your post and your responses, I think you think that you want to move to Sydney but you seem a bit delusional about what that really means--especially if you really do cut the umbilical cord from your parents and take care of yourself on your own. It seems like a very nice dream and maybe once you're a bit more mature you'll be able to manage it but at this point...hmmmm....debatable.

So you need to first be honest with yourself? If I had a comfortable lifestyle like you seem to be enjoying (helpers, holidays, no expenses) then it sure would be hard for me to give that up so that I could finally become an adult. It's hard when you have a "sugar daddy" or "sugar mama"--very tempting. It would be a hard decision, I think.

So, only you know what is really honest. You might want to ask yourself some questions and answer them honestly and then make a decision. You'll have to be pretty brave to "leave the nest" but I am living proof that you can and be satisfied.

Ask: Do you want to have self-confidence by overcoming hard times (this only happens if you actually expose yourself to hardship--you never know how strong you are until you're tested)? Do you want to have peace in your mind and authority over your own life and your own child? Do you want to create your own life or continue to live someone else's (your parents)?

Just as QuasiMother said, many people say they want to have this type of self-respect but they aren't willing to let themselves go through any type of suffering so they remain this way into their 40s. If you want to know the sweetness of life you have to have some bitter to go along with it. Right now, I don't think you've actually tasted bitterness and the "reality" of life (or life for a lot of us in HK).

And remember, if you can survive on your own here in HK, you can survive anywhere in the world so when the time comes for you to go back to Australia you'll actually have some wisdom and life experience to guide you--you can't really get that in your current situation.

 

[constancefaith]

No, no. We live in a 10,000 sq house in the village. One is the gardener, and one is the driver.

As for my schooling, my parents were poor to begin with, and after they had my two sisters they started a business and we became sort of wealthy.

Studying in Australia would be much easier for us (temporarily) because government pays for all tuition fees, and we'd be able to apply for government funds to assist us financially.

Reason why I actually posted this thread was, the BOTH of us needs to be independent. And I feel whether we move out or not move out in Hong Kong, the BOTH of us will still rely on my parents in some way (little or big). We don't asks my parents for money, but they pay for our living because let's face it, we can't afford it. And 4 helpers? yeah, I was shocked. I understand my mom's intention is solely based on my best interest. She wants me to live an easy life. Which I do appreciate, but when I suggest cutting off helpers and let me pay for some of the bills, she refuses and just point blank say I won't be able to and that I can't even look after my daughter.
I don't leave the parenting to the helper, and that is why I put off looking for a "real job". I fear that my daughter will have traits of other people, because I'm not the one raising her.

I do have to disagree with you though Carang, although I am getting paid more than I should be from my mom's company, I complete what she wants to be done. Hubby and I argue over things like him not completing tasks my parents asks him to, being late to work, him being "impolite" to my parents... I do realize I will have to get a part time or full time job. I just wanted to wait till at least daughter goes to pre-school so during the hours I work she'd be in "school".

 

[constancefaith]

Thank you very much thanka, for sharing your experience. I really was reading every single word that you typed and you have more than motivated me and convinced me that anything is possible as long as the three of us stick together.
I had doubts if we will ever survive on our own.

Though, I think I didn't quite point out why I'm so keen on going back to Australia.

Firstly, both of us were raised there. It is truly HOME for the both of us.
Secondly, we love it there and we hate it here in Hong Kong. We don't drink or go out at nights, we enjoy parks and the nature.
Thirdly, we are dying for independence.. being able to take care of ourselves!

And honestly, this life is easy. But I was never the type to be happily living under other people's roof. I hate hand outs, and I am very surprised at myself to have stayed in HK for so long under my parents.

I WANT to take care of my daughter on my own, and I WANT to do it all on my own. If other moms can do it, so can I. If it means hard work then sure! I have the energy and I have the heart to give my daughter the best she deserves.

If it means I have to take care of my daughter during the day, study then go to night shifts while hubby takes care of daughter. Be it.
It may be easy to say, I don't know. But I believe if other people can do it, so can I.

Though, leaving my parents all by themselves in HK is unbearable...

 

[jvn]

Sounds from this like you know what you want and have a long term goal, now you and your husband together need to come up with a realistic way to make it work. Good luck.

 

[thanka2]

Thank you very much thanka, for sharing your experience. I really was reading every single word that you typed and you have more than motivated me and convinced me that anything is possible as long as the three of us stick together.
I had doubts if we will ever survive on our own.

Though, I think I didn't quite point out why I'm so keen on going back to Australia.

Firstly, both of us were raised there. It is truly HOME for the both of us.
Secondly, we love it there and we hate it here in Hong Kong. We don't drink or go out at nights, we enjoy parks and the nature.
Thirdly, we are dying for independence.. being able to take care of ourselves!

And honestly, this life is easy. But I was never the type to be happily living under other people's roof. I hate hand outs, and I am very surprised at myself to have stayed in HK for so long under my parents.

I WANT to take care of my daughter on my own, and I WANT to do it all on my own. If other moms can do it, so can I. If it means hard work then sure! I have the energy and I have the heart to give my daughter the best she deserves.

If it means I have to take care of my daughter during the day, study then go to night shifts while hubby takes care of daughter. Be it.
It may be easy to say, I don't know. But I believe if other people can do it, so can I.

Though, leaving my parents all by themselves in HK is unbearable...

You're welcome. I didn't grow up in Hong Kong and we ended up here almost on accident. I never intended to live here long-term. I grew up in a place with wide, open, beautiful, blue skies and clean air. I grew up in a place with genuine hospitality and friendliness where you feel like you're a neighbor with everyone. I know the quality of life you're talking about. I now know that I will never move back there with my family and have left that dream behind. I do long for the day (was actually praying to God today to make a way for us to leave HK eventually) when we can leave Hong Kong because honestly, the air pollution is killing me and I feel guilty exposing my son and unborn daughter to it (people in our village burn their trash in the open--including plastics several times a week). We hope to someday move but we are living in the reality of now, not the dreams of the future. I find that as I get older, I live more in reality than in dreams (I used to live a lot in dreams). I can understand why you want to go back to Australia and of course you do, but I still think for your own good you need to start now with the reality. What can you do today? What can you do this week? What can you do this month? In the next six months? In a year? Start in Hong Kong because this is where you're at--you need to prove to yourself that you can make it here before you decide to go back to Australia--especially if you are really sincere about cutting off the safety net of your parents' finances.

Make a list of the things you need to change in order to become independent and then one-by-one just start doing those things. Talk is good but action is a lot better for you. Start with the most manageable things and work toward the more complicated ones. For example, choose a different school for your daughter and apply for the government subsidy (priority deadline is the end of May). You may say "But, my mom...." If so, remember that YOU are the mother of your child, not your own mother--no matter how involved she is in your daughter's life.

Then go look at flats and get an idea of what's out there in HK. Crunch the numbers on paper--make legitimate plans with your husband and then see them through. Whether your parents like it or not, you do need to move out and you need to do so soon--don't wait for the "Australian dream" to come true.

Start looking into hiring a helper to take care of your daughter (one that you'll pay yourself because you need to have complete authority over her care--not depend on your mother's choices). Take a job outside your mother's company. Make your studies your priority right now. Like it or not, at some point you're going to have to let others "characteristics rub off on" your daughter--you can't keep her in a bubble--you seem okay with letting your mother spend a lot of time with your daughter so why not choose someone that you like as a helper and do the same thing?

Your husband should start looking for work elsewhere as well. These are all the hard choices that will lead to independence. And finally, move out--even if you have to live in Sham Shui Po in a 200-square-foot room with cockroaches, you need to move out and make do with what you have.

But, this is only if you're really serious about becoming independent. The real issue here, in my opinion, is not Hong Kong vs. Australia--the real issue is dependence vs. independence. If you really want independence you should make that your priority immediately irregardless of whether you're in Australia or HK.

 

[constancefaith]

thanka, thank you so much for spending your time on my problem.

I agree with you, we're in a situation where we want to stop depending on my parents. And you are also right about starting now. We have a flat in Gold coast on mortgage, and we planned to move into that flat before the thought of going back to Sydney emerges.

Staying or leaving, we HAVE to start working towards being independent. And everyone here really helped us realize that independence is what we NEED.

I'm guessing everyone does agree that Australia is a better place for a child to grow up in then?