toddler kissing helper! how to deal with this?

B

bagel

Registered User
Hello Ladies,

My 2 year old is super affectionate and expresses this as actively as I do in terms of hugging and kissing. I am physically very loving to my son, find him irresistible and hug and kiss him often. Obviously, children will copy their parents, learn from them first, so it is okay as long as he does this with parents but how to tell him or make him understand that it is not okay to do this with the helper?!

If I say to my son "It is okay to kiss parents, but not others" in front of helper when he is doing this, I also have to take into account how the helper might be feeling! Any suggestions for word choice?
 
both of my kids are the same. personally, i've never had a problem with it. to me and to them it is just a way to show affection towards a woman who has spent a lot of time with them since they were born.

why do you think it is inappropriate? do your kids hug and kids family that they see once/year? is that ok for you? why are you drawing a line that doesn't necessarily need to be drawn?(i'm not being nasty, just truly curious)
 
I agree with Carang - I think it's sweet that my daughter kisses all her aunties (her friends mums), her teachers, our helper, etc. I would draw the line at her kissing strangers but I don't think she'd want to do that anyway! Do you allow your children to kiss aunties and uncles, or teachers etc? Or ONLY parents? I think whatever you do, you need to be consistent and I don't think it's "fair" to allow the children to kiss everyone EXCEPT the helper... *shrugs* it would be rather confusing to them, I think...
 
i suppose my question would be why do you feel that it is not appropriate for your child to kiss and cuddle your helper?

do you mean "it's okay to kiss parents but not others?" or do you mean "it's okay to kiss parents, but not helpers?" do you don't want to confuse your child into thinking parents are the only ones it is okay to smooch and then encourage them to cuddle and smooch someone else who isn't a parent.

as usual, i agree with cara...and like her, i hope i don't come across as nasty, i just think you will be able to solve this problem sooner if you give the issue a bit more thought.
 
I agree with the ladies above. My toddler kisses my helper and shows her a lot of love which makes me happy as it shows they have a good realtionship and that when I'm at work I don't need to worry.
 
How do you classify and treat your helper? Is she a "worker" or "a domestic servant" or "an auntie" ?

In our household, our helper is an auntie. She is part of our family and gets treated as an auntie; as an auntie she gets the same hugs and kisses that any auntie would get. Myself and my wife also hug them when appropriate (birthdays, xmas etc etc), so the kids follow the same example; no different than any other family member.

You have to set your own boundaries and do whats comfortable for you. If you choose to classify and treat your helper as just a "worker", same as the plumber or the doorman, then kissing would obviously cross the line.

Personally, in line with the other comments above, I prefer treating the helper as part of the family. This inclusion adds to the happiness of the helper and in turn general mood of the household.

HC
 
Bagel, I'm like you, super affectionate to my little one as is my husband but we draw the line in terms of kissing on the lips with anyone other than mummy and daddy. That includes grandparents (the first few times they were totally offended when she refused to kiss them on the mouth), my and my husband's siblings (no issues) and god parents (no issues) etc. Kisses on the cheek and hugs are no problems at all for our helper, all of the above, friends of ours and friends of hers. I think what most other writers are trying to say is not to deliberately sideline the helper (because she is a helper) is important, and also giving her her dues for being a great primary carer for your child. It's important for the health and sustainability of you and your helper's relationship.
 
Hi Ladies,

I meant it is not okay to kiss using saliva and drool to kiss helper. He can do that with parents but not outsiders. I am wondering if there is a more effective way to teach my son that it is not okay to kiss her with saliva etc.
Thanks!
 
Talk to your son and your Helper separately, tell your son that its not ok for him to kiss people other than mummy daddy and if he wants to show affection towards others then he can hug them instead.
Tell your Helper that you and your husband are not ok with the above situation and if she sees him approach her with a kiss, then she should hug him instead and tell him that kisses are only for mummy daddy.
I would not be ok with with my daughter kissing our Helper. Although I have seen Helpers and kids sharing spoons and straws on several occasions, so basically the helper is passing her germs and bacteria to the kid.
 
This topic is so interesting to me. Our son kisses our helper but it is totally up to him. He usually gives her a kiss on the cheek. Sometimes he's not in a hugging or kissing mood so he won't hug or kiss anyone. And he only hugs and kisses people he is close with. I think it's only natural that he would kiss our helper as right now for 5 days/week she is his primary care giver during the day. I think it would be strange to forbid him to kiss our helper as we see her as a very close and important part of our family. We view our helper as if she was truly a blood-related auntie. I wouldn't forbid my son to kiss my sister or brother so neither will I forbid him to kiss my helper.

But, I think that this sort of thing has a lot to do with the culture and upbringing of the parent concerning what is appropriate behavior. Some families are quite restrictive about how they show physical affection inside and outside the family and other families are more relaxed. If it truly does bothers you then having a chat with the helper and respectfully explaining your rules is the first thing, I would do. But, be careful to not make it seem like, "Well, you're JUST THE HELPER and it's a BAD THING for my child to kiss you." I don't think it's helpful for the relationship to make the helper feel bad or guilty as if she's done something wrong by allowing your child to kiss her--because, actually, she hasn't. And your son hasn't done anything wrong or bad by showing affection this way either. He has just done what came naturally and children are known for doing that.

I would just explain it in light of culture like, "Where I come from and how I was raised, kissing is something that children only do with their parents or immediate family members so culturally, we'd just like to keep it that way--no offense to you--it's just something about our culture."
 
i dont have much experience (baby only 11ish mths) but what thanka said really resonates with me. it is definitely cultural as i did not grow up with expressive parents and i did tell my helper from day 1 that kissing him was only done by parents.

even uncles, aunts dont kiss - but i know thats just my family. Hugs are GReat.... and I'm going to go that way. i definitely want to encourage him to be affectionate but that expression may be different in different families!

BUT i really dont know what will happen when he is a toddler and want to actively kiss her. I do think I'm going to go Geomum's route and explain that kissing is for parents only.
 
Hi there,

Well, kids kisses are usually wet, aren't they.

I don't understand what's so bad about your son kissing the helper. My boy kisses and hugs the helper too.

It's nice for me and for many reasons:it means she's nice to him even when I am not around and it also means my son is NORMAL, after all, they are together a lot, she takes care of him when I am not around, they play together, its perfectly normal for him to kiss/hug anyone who wins his affection, call it parents, grand parents and in this case our helper.

I wouldn't teach my son to think he shouldn't be affectionate to the helper, its nice to see him express his feelings naturally, besides it might backfire if he starts thinking when and to whom to love/care for...

N
 
Helper kissing toddler's lips

Each morning when I go to work, I would give lot of kisses to my 23 month old. My helper would carry him, and I would kiss him and he would kiss me back, sometime on my lips. My helper seems to find that cute, and would also kiss my baby and ask him to kiss her back as well, sometime when my baby and I are going out, or when she tells my baby good night... I didn't have much problem with that till I saw her kissing on my baby's lips!!! OMG!

Now, I know that I have probably set a bad example to my helper by kissing my baby's lips... but how should I talk to her about that?... would I hurt her if I tell her not to kiss my him there? should I just tell her, or wait till I see her kissing his lips again before I bring that out?.. what if she is kissing him all the time when I am not around?
 
just say, "i see that X likes to give kisses to you. That's great. but please make sure it's only on the cheek. Lip kisses are for family only."
 
The funny thing now is that my 15-month-old daughter is REALLY into kissing...kisses everyone and everything...kisses her water bottle and hugs it...kisses toys and dolls and hugs them...she insists on giving us all kisses and will even "force" us to kiss her if we turn away by turning our face toward her and cupping our face in her hands. She only wants to kiss on the lips. Same thing with our helper even though the helper tries to convince her to kiss her on the cheek but with my daughter, that just won't do...she MUST have a kiss on the lips and she'll keep at it until she gets it. It doesn't bother me, though...it's pretty funny to watch, though.
 
Hi Bagel,
Is your concern that you son is too physically affectionate with a helper / employee? Or it is a hygiene thing?
Because I think complex instructions would only be confusing to a 2-year-old.
"You can kiss mommy and daddy, but not the woman who cares for you all day." For a young child displaying natural joy and affection, this would probably feel weird.
(Warding your kid off strangers is a totally different matter).
Or would you say, "you can kiss the helper, but without saliva." I don't think a 2-year-old really has that much control over his drool!
Sometimes, I think we adults project our own worries onto kids who are quite clueless. Does a clumsy toddler have tcontrol / thought over exactly where and how he's kissing someone?

My little girl is much younger -- 1 year-- but she's already super affectionate. (And super drooly!)
She hugs everything -- me, dad, her favorite toddler friend in the playgroup, her toys, her cousin, and my helper. And my helper will occasionally give her a peck back on the cheek of the top of the head.
I'm thrilled that they have such a good relationship.
My child's daily happiness with her carer is more important than any feelings of jealously I may have as a mom.
As for the hygiene thing -- well, my helper changes her diaper, bathes her, feeds her her food, wipes her snotty nose when she has a cold. I don't think a kiss is going to spread any more germs than will already be spread. (That said, they don't kiss on the lips)
 
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