But you just went ahead and did it???

T

thanka2

Registered User
I have a question for those mamas who have more than one child.

Were any of you not really sure about having a second baby but decided to go ahead and just get pregnant anyway? Not really looking at the mamas who eagerly and decisively planned for a second (or third+) pregnancy or those who just got pregnant a second time on accident. More interested in hearing from the ladies who just "chanced it." I'd especially like to hear about the thought process or reasoning that you went through in order to do that and what made you decide to go ahead and do it.

Now, I doubt any mama out there would say that they "regret" having any of their children but did any of you have serious second thoughts about the decision you made after you made it--like in hindsight think that it might have been better to either A) not have another child or B) wait longer to have another child? Also would like to hear your thought process on that.

Thanks for any responses!
 
Hi...
My husband and I had been thinking of having our second child for years. After We had our first daugther, we firmly thought a "NO" for the first 3 years. Reason: definitely not ready to provide care to another baby cause our time was fully occupied by our first one, and financially not ready too. After a while, seeing other ppl having babies changed our thought. My daughter is asking for siblings too. This the major reason why we have another one. She asks about it everyday. She asked how the baby can be created and why we didnt have another baby to play with her. And we can see how lonely she is. When she saw other children (siblings) were playing happily, she really looked jealous. My heart broke just looking at her expression. So after she was allocated to a government funded school, we decided to have a go.
 
Thank you for responding, Arleneli.

Yeah, I just can't decide and a friend (who has two of her own children and has served as a surrogate for another two children) told me (after hearing my full pro-con list) that if it was that difficult for me to make up my mind--if the decision process took that much reasoning it was probably a sign that I shouldn't have any more kids.

I know my son would be happy with a sibling because he's a social little guy. My husband grew up as an only child in HK and said it was extremely lonely and he always wished for a sibling. But still, I don't think that just doing it for my child is a good enough reason for me.

Financially, well, of course it would be easier on the pocketbook to not have another kid but that's just one of those things you accept if you're going to go through with it. I mean, when my son was born, I didn't have a job and my husband made HK$10K/month--we didn't even have money for hospital bills. And so far, we're okay. Life does go on, it seems.

And I really can relate to the part about being fully occupied with one child. Our son really makes our life full.

But actually, the biggest problem for me probably is pregnancy, childbirth and the first year. I hated being pregnant. Childbirth was rough...really rough. Recovery was unbelievably gruesome and the first year was hell.

Also, I'm planning to go back and get my master's degree next autumn so yeah, I don't think I can handle husband+toddler+work+study+pregnancy all at the same time.

But the other thing is that I decided a long time ago that if I was going to have kids, I would be done doing it by the time I was 30-years-old so my window of opportunity is quickly closing.

I'd like to hear more ladies' stories, if there are any out there that have gone through this. But, I guess in a city like Hong Kong with such a large population of "career women" (well, I think we all have a career but....) most pregnancies are probably very strategically mapped out.
 
i think everyone questions whether or not having any child is the right decision. even though i REALLY wanted my first, when i got that positive test result, i started to question myself. i questioned myself right up to the delivery and especially during the delivery.

it was the same with the second.

heck, to be perfectly honest, there are still days that i think, "what the heck was i thinking?"

pregnancy didn't agree with me either. both times i was off work and during my last one i was in a wheelchair for 4 out of 8 months.

that said, to see my two kids playing together makes it all worthwhile. they light up when they see each other. after a day of being at school, my son's first question to me is, 'where's XXX?' when i bring him home he, literally, runs up the stairs and they hug and kiss and on occasion resort to rolling around on the floor together. last night, they spent over an hour together in the bathtub.

to me, when i look back, having a second (although difficult) was a no-brainer.

seeing the kids together now, i wish i could talk hubby into #3.

HOWEVER, for me, the child does not have to be "of my body", i would be as happy adopting. the trouble is getting my local hubby to agree.

maybe, if pregnancy is too difficult for you, adoption could be an idea?
 
forgot to say, that although you always wanted to be "finished" by 30, that's still really young and maybe you are putting undue pressure on yourself. i didn't have my first until i was 32 and had my second at 34. for us, it was the right time. financially it would have been impossible to have any earlier. it never feels "right" financially (my hubby's biggest worry about having #3)....
 
Thanka2, I find myself sort of in the same boat as you, ie, currently have one sociable child, asking for sibling, my hubby is an only child also, and questioning myself if I want to go through and have another one.

While my pregnancy was smooth, the experience after birth was in one word "HELL", I still have a lot of issues/scars from that experience mostly related to the MIL, and my child was quite sickly. . . so it's not something I want to go through again. . . I feel like I finally see the light as my son is just now starting primary school. At the same time, we are concerned about what will happen when we are gone. . . as my son will not have siblings and a "support group". Pretty much most other moms tell us that we should have another one, if nothing just so that my son won't be lonely, etc.

However, my biggest thing is that I don't think I can handle being a mom of two. . . I honestly do not think I have it in me. . . and that is my primary reason that I refuse to have another one. It might be selfish of me not to think of my son's future, and consider his loneliness. However I figure why inflict myself on an innocent child if I don't think I can be a wonderful mom? So in the end I think it is quite a personal decision. . . only you can decide if you really WANT another one.
 
the thing is, when you hold the child in your arms, you ARE a mother of two and everything that you were concerned about falls by the wayside, much in the same way it did when you held your first.

i think that many mums wonder if it is possible to love a second baby as much as the first. and if i was to be perfectly honest, the feelings i have for my second weren't as instantaneous as they were with my first.

i remember telling my new 2nd baby how much i loved her, and thinking "am i telling her this because it's true or because i'm trying to convince myself?"

however, after a few months (she was a very colicky baby), i realised that it WAS true. my daughter is a light in our lives as much as our son is. they both have their own personalities but they are amazing, special and wonderful each in their own ways. my son is more shy, my daughter the social butterfly. my son considers things carefully before acting, my daughter is impulsive. they play together and love each other so much, i really can't imagine what my son would have been like if we'd not had our daughter.

my mum is the eldest of 5. her husband is an only child. he still has issues (and he's 62 yrs old). when his dad died, he was only a little boy (4-6 yrs old). it was just him and his mum. when his mum died, it was only him. on the bright side, he's never had anyone else to worry about. on the other hand, he's never had anyone else to worry about. he doesn't enjoy christmas or birthdays. he's never had "family" christmases... he had no family. he doesn't have any neices or nephews, only cousins. he still likes to do things on his own and my mum still has a difficult time getting him to "open up" (even though they've known each other since they were 10 years old). he's just not used to sharing his feelings with anyone else. he's always had to manage on his own. to me, that is a very lonely existance.
 
Hi...
Agree with carang about 30 is still young...but you might consider about their big gap of being too far apart... right now...i am worrying about the 7 years gap between my daughter and my son. It occurs to me that they would be much closer if they are not that far apart in age. I wish we were ready like 3 years ago....well..that's life anyway
 
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Hi thanka2, i don't have similar experience as we just had our first.

Reading your post, my gut feel is that you might not be ready at this juncture, perhaps you can put the thoughts aside for now? As you are still young, you can 'wait' until such time when you feel that you are physically, emotionally, financially ready. That way, you may feel less overwhelmed
Husband+toddler+work+study+pregnancy do sound like a lot on the plate ....
 
carang said:
forgot to say, that although you always wanted to be "finished" by 30, that's still really young and maybe you are putting undue pressure on yourself. i didn't have my first until i was 32 and had my second at 34. for us, it was the right time. financially it would have been impossible to have any earlier. it never feels "right" financially (my hubby's biggest worry about having #3)....
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Thirty isn't really all that young. I know, I know, I know...women are having babies at 50 nowadays and the median age in HK, I would guess (don't quote me on this) has to be about 35-40-years-old. So, it would be a hard thing to convince this city that 30 isn't all that young for childbirth. Because I had my first at 24 (nearly a decade earlier than many women in HK), I definitely see the world differently than many of the ladies here, I'm sure. About finances, I don't think having babies is ever financially impossible because looking at my own family history, there is always a way. Yes, maybe not as comfortable to have babies until you have all your financial "ducks in a row." It's all about priorities, I guess--what's important to people. Some people feel that dressing their baby in designer clothes and pushing them around in a high-end Italian pram are really important or having the money to send their child to the biggest name schools in Hong Kong and take them on holiday several times a year to another country. Others live by the philosophy that if their child is fed, clothed and housed (which could mean a lot of different things) then that's what's important. I think that many people in this city are waiting to having children until those ducks line up and I'd say they are the ones putting undue pressure on themselves (i.e. "Let's have the perfect financial situation set up before we have a child..."). As I said, we made it with very little money so money isn't really the issue for us, I think.
 
Obiwan said:
Hi thanka2, i don't have similar experience as we just had our first.

Reading your post, my gut feel is that you might not be ready at this juncture, perhaps you can put the thoughts aside for now? As you are still young, you can 'wait' until such time when you feel that you are physically, emotionally, financially ready. That way, you may feel less overwhelmed
Husband+toddler+work+study+pregnancy do sound like a lot on the plate ....
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"Young" is a relative term, I think. My age may not show it, but I've lived a lifetime in a very short amount of years and experienced many things that people one or two decades older than me have not. As I said, I have my reasons and 30 really is the window of opportunity for having babies for me. So, I really don't have that much time. I'd like to hear from those who chose not to wait until they were physically, emotionally and financially "ready." The truth is that I don't know a single person who could honestly say they were really "ready" in any of these aspects for having another child. (Because children bring surprises one could never prepare for--even if they had all the advice and knowledge in the world to turn to). Also, as I've said, finances aren't the issue for me (unlike some other families in HK who have babies based on the figure in their bank account--take the 2006-2007 "baby boom" for example which correlated with some of the biggest IPOs in history). However, there is something to be said for being as healthy physically and emotionally as one can be before childbirth but with me, there can always be improvement in that area--I doubt I'll ever get to the point where I'm like, "Yes, now I am as healthy physically and emotionally as possible....let's have a baby..." I could wait for the rest of my life if I was waiting for that. Also, being healthy does not guarantee a smooth baby experience--as caragn said pregnancy "doesn't agree" with some people. Having said that, I am taking steps to become the healthiest me I can be--not just for the sake of having babies but just because I need/want to do that for me.
 
arleneli said:
Hi...
Agree with carang about 30 is still young...but you might consider about their big gap of being too far apart... right now...i am worrying about the 7 years gap between my daughter and my son. It occurs to me that they would be much closer if they are not that far apart in age. I wish we were ready like 3 years ago....well..that's life anyway
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Interesting thought, Arleneli. Age gaps are really important. I have friends who have brothers and sisters who are a 5+ years older than them and their relationships are not close. My brother, sister and I are exactly 3 years apart (not planned that way but that's the way it happened) and we are all still close and were growing up. Even though my sister and I are 6 years apart, because we had a brother in between us, we still had a sort of "glue" to keep us together as siblings. He's only 3 years older than her and I'm 3 years older than him. So, if I wait until I'm 32 to to have another baby that baby will also be 7 years younger than my son which is a pretty big age gap--maybe not at first but as children get older (one is about to finish primary school when the other is just beginning etc.) it makes for less close friendship just because each child is in a very different stage in life. I also have friends who had their first child at 24 and their second child at 25 and while it was difficult going at first, the children grow up being very, very close. There are arguments for both sides, maybe?
 
my kids are exactly 2 years apart (one was due march 3 and the other march 4!)

for me, it is the perfect gap. that's one of the things that concerns me about having #3...if i were to get pregnant tomorrow, there would be 3.5 years between #2 & #3...
 
thanka2,

Thanks for raising this topic! It's currently at the forefront of our minds so I'll share our experience with you.

Our first is 14 months old. He took 18 months to conceive and we always said we'd start trying for #2 when #1 reached 12 months; one of the reasons being in case it took a long time to conceive again. Well we kind of tried these past two months but got nothing. Then we started wondering... There are many advantages to having children close together, there are also many advantages to waiting awhile, many of which are listed above. Should we aim to have #2 now? Should we wait another year? What's the answer??

My answer? I agree there's never a 'perfect' time so perhaps it's time to throw caution to the wind and see what happens. What will be, will be and whenever fate sends us our #2 he/she will be perfect.

With regards to finances, my father-in-law, who is Chinese says when planning a baby not to worry too much about finances because babies bring their own 'milk'. :)

Erica
 
I personally don't think that age gaps matter too much - at least not for the children. They will assume whatever age gap they have is normal, until someone tells them it isn't.

I never thought twice about the fact my sister is eight years older than me or that my brother was only 14 months younger than me until someone at the playgroup I took my kids thought they were strange gaps. (My mother had problems getting pregnant with me and so tried almost at once with my brother and fell straight away.)

Likewise I have four children the first three both have three years, plus or minus a few weeks, between them and the baby of the family is seven years younger. And again they think nothing of the fact there was a late baby or a bigger gap between the last two.

Thus I would always have the age gap that suits the mother and father. It is the parents that have to cope with the babies and toddlers together and later with teenagers together.

I think you'll find as many stories about children born close together who get on well as who don't get on at all and likewise with a large age gap. I got on very well with my sister, much better than with my brother when we were growing up. And my elder two children get on very well with my youngest, much better than how the last two get on. I think personality is more important that age gap.

One nice thing about starting a family at a young age is that if you change your mind and decide you do want more children this is an option - much harder to have a late baby if you have your first at 39.

Thanka2 - as you are so questioning about if now is the right time I'd guess it isn't. But maybe in another six months you'll feel differently - there isn't any hurry you still have loads of time, even before you are thirty.
 
barbwong_130 said:
I personally don't think that age gaps matter too much - at least not for the children. They will assume whatever age gap they have is normal, until someone tells them it isn't.

I never thought twice about the fact my sister is eight years older than me or that my brother was only 14 months younger than me until someone at the playgroup I took my kids thought they were strange gaps. (My mother had problems getting pregnant with me and so tried almost at once with my brother and fell straight away.)

Likewise I have four children the first three both have three years, plus or minus a few weeks, between them and the baby of the family is seven years younger. And again they think nothing of the fact there was a late baby or a bigger gap between the last two.

Thus I would always have the age gap that suits the mother and father. It is the parents that have to cope with the babies and toddlers together and later with teenagers together.

I think you'll find as many stories about children born close together who get on well as who don't get on at all and likewise with a large age gap. I got on very well with my sister, much better than with my brother when we were growing up. And my elder two children get on very well with my youngest, much better than how the last two get on. I think personality is more important that age gap.

One nice thing about starting a family at a young age is that if you change your mind and decide you do want more children this is an option - much harder to have a late baby if you have your first at 39.

Thanka2 - as you are so questioning about if now is the right time I'd guess it isn't. But maybe in another six months you'll feel differently - there isn't any hurry you still have loads of time, even before you are thirty.
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But, how can a 14-year-old and a 7-year-old really play together as peers and thus bond? It becomes the 14-year-old babysitting the 7-year-old--therefore they have another "parent" but not really a sibling they can relate to. I never said that my friends don't get along with their siblings because of an age gap but instead they aren't close--as in they don't feel a close tie with their siblings because while they were 10, their older siblings were finishing secondary school, going to university and leaving home--they basically grew up as only children because their siblings were almost a separate family apart from them because of the age difference. It's not that they actually quarreled with their siblings. They knew they had siblings but it was more like a cousin or a uncle.

It's just my nature to question, I think. Getting pregnant with my son was unplanned and if that pregnancy hadn't been graciously rained down upon us I likely would still be running this same debate with myself over a first child. I probably will never consciously make the decision to start actively TTC with a second child (as in really go for it...) but we don't use any contraception and haven't for the past two years. I chart my cycles and we use a very lose version of natural family planning but even with that, I think if it were God's will we get pregnant, we'd be pregnant already--meaning we aren't all that careful to avoid getting pregnant and in NFP that is called "achieving-related behavior" which is the same thing as TTC. I guess what I'm trying to say, if I were being honest with myself, is that we are TTC but at the same time hoping we don't (or at least I am, my husband wishes we had a second child by yesterday). Talk about contradiction, huh? :haha:
 
You`re questioning this a lot more than you did before, right? Before you sounded pretty adament against having a second one, but now it sounds like you`re entertaining the thought more and more. If you had a hard pregnancy, the older you get, the worse it`s gonna get, so it might be wise to get it over with sooner rather than later. But you won`t want to have too much on your plate at that time.
As you know, I only have one, born when I was 31(old in your books, thank you very much;). When he was a younger baby, I was so in awe or everything `baby` that I started to seriously think about having another sooner than later. Then he aged a few months, and I got busier and busier. He got busier and busier. I started sleeping more, but I`m still exhausted. Also, his personality came out more and more, and I fell more and more in love with this little thing. So now it`s at the point where I`m going to hold off for a while longer, I think. Because I`m still tired, and he`s just getting too cute. I don`t want him to share his parents with anyone just yet. I don`t want to pay attention to anyone else just yet. I want it to be all him. For now.
Plus...man, I am tired.
 
Shenzhennifer said:
You`re questioning this a lot more than you did before, right? Before you sounded pretty adament against having a second one, but now it sounds like you`re entertaining the thought more and more. If you had a hard pregnancy, the older you get, the worse it`s gonna get, so it might be wise to get it over with sooner rather than later. But you won`t want to have too much on your plate at that time.
As you know, I only have one, born when I was 31(old in your books, thank you very much;). When he was a younger baby, I was so in awe or everything `baby` that I started to seriously think about having another sooner than later. Then he aged a few months, and I got busier and busier. He got busier and busier. I started sleeping more, but I`m still exhausted. Also, his personality came out more and more, and I fell more and more in love with this little thing. So now it`s at the point where I`m going to hold off for a while longer, I think. Because I`m still tired, and he`s just getting too cute. I don`t want him to share his parents with anyone just yet. I don`t want to pay attention to anyone else just yet. I want it to be all him. For now.
Plus...man, I am tired.
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He he he...well, I guess I've just "gone public" with my questioning recently but I've questioned this seriously for the past 6-8 months (basically since my son was over 1-year-old and I felt I was getting a better grip on sanity once again). I guess now that my son's second birthday is coming up that's the milestone that is prompting being being "out" about my inner thoughts. That must be it.

Honestly, turning 30 freaks me out a bit--I'm sure it will eventually be fine. For sake of not further offending others on this site, I'll keep my personal opinion about older first-time motherhood to myself. But, yeah, having all the babies done and out of the way before 30 is just part of what I think is right for me--it's just one of those intuition/gut things that I'm fond of following. And always remember, 31 isn't old, if you're a tree :rofl:)

But, as you know me, whereas others might see questioning as a sign of doubt, I see it as a sign of progress. Those things we don't question are the things we're settled on but things that are up for questioning provide the possibility for change. I think you're right (with the words I just put in your mouth) and thanks for being a sounding board. :thanks
 
Shenzhennifer said:
When he was a younger baby, I was so in awe or everything `baby` that I started to seriously think about having another sooner than later. Then he aged a few months, and I got busier and busier. He got busier and busier. I started sleeping more, but I`m still exhausted. Also, his personality came out more and more, and I fell more and more in love with this little thing. So now it`s at the point where I`m going to hold off for a while longer, I think. Because I`m still tired, and he`s just getting too cute. I don`t want him to share his parents with anyone just yet. I don`t want to pay attention to anyone else just yet. I want it to be all him. For now.
Plus...man, I am tired.
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I can totally identify with the tiredness, man. I feel like I definitely paid my dues in the first year of my son's life. As I was telling a friend today, without exaggeration, for the first six months I was that scary sort of tired--the type of tired psychologists write about when prisoners of war are subject to sleep deprivation torture--the type where you see and hear things that aren't there just because you are constantly in a state of exhaustion. So, it took another six months after that first six months just to get to the point where I even could think to myself, "Yeah, this kid is alright, I might like to keep him around a few more months" :haha: So, it seems like it was almost the opposite to your experience because my son was so active and so full-on from the very beginning and over time as he's developed and learned to entertain himself he's gotten more mellow and manageable. So, for the first year, I absolutely couldn't even think of any other babies--just surviving one was fully occupying my time. And I also can really relate to what you're saying about enjoying your child so much. It's not that I feel like my son would have to share us (well, I mean, he would but...) because I don't quite see him as the center that everything should revolve around (although, in reality, it ends up that he is that in our lives...) and a good chunk of the motivation to have another kid would be to benefit him anyway but...for me it's more like I feel content. I feel good having one child. As I said to a friend, "Maybe I should leave well enough alone."
 
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